Why I should never be left to my own devices

So the Evil Twin is serving jury duty today.  CW is in meetings about some stupid server thingy.  I’ve been left to my own devices.

I ordered the new Nook HD the other day!! *whoohooo*  I haven’t liked any of the covers for the Nook HD.  The one I could live with, ET vetoed as it has a bird on it.

 

Clearly, she was not impressed by the pretty purple and the castle on the front.  
 



I love her anyway!  

CW is upset.  Apparently the Nook HD was going to be my Christmas present and I accidentally beat him to the punch.

Having no one to play with today, I was on the B&N website looking for Nook HD covers when I found this one:

SCORE!!!!! I like it!! DOUBLE SCORE, I have a B&N 20% off coupon!  I had to order it quick, before the Evil Twin gets out of court and vetoes this!  When I got the confirmation for my purchase, I noticed this:

₠ Suitable for NOOK HD+ only

Frack!! I bought the Nook HD, not the Nook HD+! Now I have to return this cover and continue the exhausting search.  I blame CW for my naked Nook HD.  He’s been too busy trying to find a Christmas present for me to be any help with the Nook HD cover quest. *note, how can I make the Nook HD cover quest into a video game ‘cause that would be cool*

Having decided that the planets are not in proper alignment for me to do any shopping today, there wasn't much left to do but work.  I was happily typing away at my desk when I heard a very low, rather sinister voice saying “Good Twin” hiss hiss “Good Twin”.  It kind of sounded like the voice in the Ghostbusters movie when the pencil neck geek shuts down the ghost capacitor and all the ghosts escaped into New York City.  So I’m frantically searching all over my area trying to find the source of the evil voice when my eyes fall on Gus

Gus is my little squirrel that my wonderful Beach Lady friend gave to me to help me get over my fear of squirrels.  She probably shouldn't have left him on my chair.  Imagine pulling your chair out to take a seat and finding something that terrifies you waiting...patiently.  I was chuckling over my first meeting with Gus when suddenly, his furry little mouth started moving “Good Twin, Good Twin”.  This is very weird as Gus has never spoken to me before.

Me: Gus, this is very weird.  You’ve never spoken to me before.

Gus: Good Twin
Me: That's my name, don't wear it out!
Gus: Gooooooood Twwwwwiiiiiiiinnnnnn

Me: Don’t you have anything else to say?

Gus: Good Twin

Me: Do you want a cookie?  It’s got peanuts in it!

Gus: Good Twin

Me: Well, if that’s all you are going to say then I’m not speaking to you anymore!

Mail guy from 3 (here to deliver my mail): Ummm...Good Twin…who are you talking to?

(I’m expecting a call from HR any minute)

I blame the Evil Twin.  If she wasn't off doing her civic duty, she would be entertaining me and I wouldn't notice any voices outside of my head. Besides, anything that involves furry creatures talking to me has to be her doing anyway.

And yes, that is a flying monkey back there.  His name is Chopper.  He likes to sik balls.

Did you know the Dodo bird was extinct?

The conversation that started it all...

CW: ...It went by the way of the dodo...

Me: Ok, you keep saying things like that.  Where did the dodo go?

CW: (looking at me like I'm an idiot) Dodos are extinct, you didn't know that?

Me: I didn't know dodos were real birds until Ty made a dodo bird beanie baby that was born on demon hEX's birthday.  I figured Ty made a beanie baby out of it, it must be a real bird.  And it sat on the bookshelf next to the Mallard beanie baby that was born on my birthday.  When he moved out I told him to take his dodo with him and I haven't thought about dodos since until you came along with your "went the way of the dodo" expression and I just wanted to know where the dodo went.  And don't look at me like that, dodos don't fall into common, everyday knowledge.  Especially if they have been extinct for a while.

Since then, I have been on a quest to prove that dodo birds do not fall under common, everyday knowledge. Right now it's about 50/50.  The last credible citing of a dodo was in 1662, so it's not like they were recently extinct...I mean, PETA wasn't trying to save them or anything like that.  And Yes, I have heard of dinosaurs.  Dinosaurs are cool.  Dodo's were dumb, flightless birds distantly related to the pigeon (which aren't cool either).

My awesome friend who is the goddess of trivia, did not know that dodos were extinct and when I explained to her why I was asking, she replied "was it a detachable dodo?"  Seriously, I'm just talking about birds folks...for now anyway...

My dad, aka Papa, did know that dodos were extinct and apparently Puffins are making a comeback.

Papa: How could you NOT know dodos were extinct?

Me: Well Dad, I had a public school education

And my toaster oven promptly died...literally, it just shut off at that moment, leaving me bread instead of toast...Anywhoo, I'm still surveying.  How many people knew the dodo bird 1) was a real bird; and/or 2) that it's now extinct?

*Please note that yes, I totally knew that the Dodo was extinct.  I was also able to school Good Twin on the fact that the Puffin was able to come back from extinction.  (Take that "Goddess of Trivia" friend!)



Politics of the Do Not Call list

Despite being on the “Do Not Call” list, I get a lot of solicitation phone calls.  In fact, I think the “Do Not Call” list was just a way for companies to collect live numbers.  When my kids were toddlers, it was amusing to let them answer the phone.

Minion 1: Hi

Caller: Would you like to save money on your mortgage interest rate?

Minion 1: Hi! I like cheerios! Do you?

Minion 2: Batman!!

Caller: Is your current bank meeting your financial needs?

Minion 2: I like boogers!! Mr. Underpants! Bahhhaaahahaha

You can see why this has been a source of amusement for me.  I usually ignore my home phone.  The only purpose it serves is to allow us access to the outside world should our cell phones die and the internet go down…all at once… *shudder*  Anywho, I noticed the other day that I had 7 new messages on the answering machine.  It’s been awhile since my answering machine and I chatted, I decided to check the messages.

Doctor appointment confirmed for Minion 1.  No practice for Minion 2.  Of course, that was 6 days ago, but it’s nice of them to call! Pest control appointment last Tuesday confirmed, Ms. Ortiz’s kid skipped school again (I keep telling the local high school that I’m not Juan Ortiz’s mother and I don’t give a rat’s ass that he skipped school, I'm not going to excuse his absence as I'm guessing he was doing some of the same things I used to do when I skipped school, and to please update their phone records...yet they refuse to believe me…but I digress).  The next message….

Minion 1: Hello?

Caller: This is Steve Urkel from the Obama Campaign

Minion 1: Oh, hi!

Caller: Are you going to vote for the president this year?

Minion 1: The president? You mean Obama?

Caller: Yes! Obama! Are you going to vote for him?

Minion 1: Sure.  I'll vote for Obama!

Caller: How old are you?

Minion 1: 8.  No wait, 9.

Caller: Are your folks home?

Minion 1: No, I have a babysitter.

Caller: Good for you! What’s your name?

Minion 1: Minion 1

Caller: What a beautiful name!  Tell you folks to vote for our president, Mr. Obama.

Minion 1: I’ll try but my mom doesn’t take orders from 9 yr olds. She didn’t take orders from 8 yr olds either.

After I got done LMAO, Minion 1 and I had a long talk about not giving out information or even talking to strangers on the phone.  The sad thing is, I remember this conversation.  I was standing about 3 feet away from her.  I thought she was talking to one of her school friends and I was pleased as punch that they were discussing politics instead of clothes!!! *face palm* DOH!

 

Expiration of Protective Orders and that Mindset

My words were rather vicious to Captain Wonderful the other night.  Granted, he was being "a guy" and I had warned him that I was in a bad mood.  But my words went from normal irritation to vicious.  And I don't like that.  He didn't seem to like it either.

I've spent the rest of last week trying to figure out where that viciousness came from. I would get vicious like that with the hEX, but I had to.  It was part of how I survived being an obsession of the demon hEX, I had to learn how to be vicious. But CW? Our entire lives, has never been anything but wonderful to me.  He's always been a true friend, he's always shown me how much he cares, How could I ever use such vicious words to him? Now, I've been so focused on the remorse and WTF Good Twin? from this that my anxiety seems to have settled down. But I am not and will not be a vicious person.

In mulling all of this over in my head I had thought about life before the protective order and how I never knew which demon hEX I was going to get, the one who spewed venom or the one who sang prose.  In fact, rather than his name in my phone is says DSM-IV-TR 301.83, 312.30 [last name].  These are the codes for borderline personality disorder and impulse control.  I honestly believe he has these things.  I used to believe he was just your typical drunk who was abused and therefore felt the world owed him.  In all of my therapy trying to sort myself out after being married to him, I started thinking that maybe he has this borderline personality disorder thing. I researched and I brought it up to him once and asked that he look into.  He said it sounds a lot like him and he would look into it but that was also when he was trying to move back in with me, he is great at blowing smoke up people's arses!  When I got a smart phone last year, the phone contacts linked with my e-mail and it changed his name on e-mail, which I didn't notice...he did.  He sent me a message saying the he didn't appreciate "DSM-IV-TR 301.83, 312.30 [last name]".  After I got done LMAO (karma can't get me for this one, I was trying to keep my nickname for him private! The blender is safe!!!!!), I replied with something like "it's a good thing the pictures didn't link too, I'm guessing you wouldn't like the donkey's ass where your head should be". (DOH! The blender bit it!)

 "Good Twin how would you like it if I called you something other than your name" I suddenly flashed to one of the few times I tried to date before CW, there I was having dinner with my date and some friends when DSM-IV-TR 301.83 walks over and calls me a "whore"...moments like that are probably partly why I have actively avoided dating until CW came along...I also have a huge fear of romantic relationships...wonder why?....but I digress...

The point of that little side trip is that I never knew if I was dealing with the sane or the psycho DSM-IV-TR 301.83 and I always had to be ready to go from sugar to shit in a second if I was going to survive whatever he was throwing at me.   But CW isn't DSM-IV-TR 301.83, am I secretly trying to sabotage my budding relationship with CW? WTF Good Twin?

I was in my krav class the other day and the instructor stopped us mid-drill.  "Take a knee" he says.  "I am not seeing the 'I want to live' mindset in your faces.  Look, someone attacks you, they are in a mindset.  They don't care about you or your life (pointing to me) or the lives of your children.  That is the mindset they are in and you need to match that mindset quick if you are going to survive that attack".  Now, I love this instructor.  He is a police officer, he is happily married, has a daughter about my daughters age and he teaches krav (I believe he teaches because what he sees everyday wears on him and this makes him feel like he is doing that much more to stop bad things).  He had me running drills holding two tombstones (punching pads, they look like tombstones), he has me practice being attacked in the event that I will be holding my babies.  Trying to land an effective knee or kick while holding a tombstone in both my arms is not easy and my kids are a lot heavier, but one way or another the three of us are going home at the end of the day and he is training me for that!  Again, I digress....

In thinking of all these things...at 3am...I think I got vicious the other day because I am dusting off the memories of life before the protective order.  I'm dreading the expiration of that piece of paper and if I have to go back to life without it, I need to get back into that "mindset".  More proof that I haven't done a good job of preparing my emotions for this transition.  Mentally, I know what to do if the harassment starts again.  Physically I'm in the best shape of my adult like and I train to make sure I know how to defend against a physical attack.  Emotionally, I need to figure out how to deal with this or I really will start to lose my calm, peaceful life.

Future Good Twin/Evil Twin Conversation

GT: Is this from the day you sent me Jenny Lawson blog links all day long?
ET: YES!
GT: I have no words for this level of awesomeness
ET: I know
GT: My coworkers are giving me weird looks
ET: They're just jealous!