A to Z Blog Challenge: I is for "I'm not in love with you anymore"

This blog was created in part to laugh through our own painful experiences and help others laugh through theirs. (We're really just looking for more contestants in The Tiara Wars) Divorce sucks.  It's painful, it's hurtful and it just plain, flat out sucks!  In an effort to minimize the scars, I started laughing things off.  Laughing with my wonderful Evil Twin helped me to heal better than I probably would have otherwise. (Thank you Heather, btw)

In every painful experience that everyone shares with me, I do try to find the humor in it.  I think this is why people share their painful experiences with me, there's gotta be a joke in there somewhere!!  One of the biggest things I wrestle with in this quest to find humor is the "I'm just not in love with you anymore" statement.  Seriously?  Dude, chances are she hasn't been "in love" with you in years.  This is when that whole commitment thing comes in.  Falling in love happens very naturally, with little to no effort.  Because you're "falling".  No one has to work at "falling".  Sustaining love takes effort and commitment!!!  So, I don't accept "I'm just not in love with you anymore".  That translates to "I'm just too selfish to work on this relationship".

It's very sad, I can't tell you how many marriages I've seen crumble because people just don't understand that there comes a point in EVERY relationship where you are no longer falling in love but you are CHOOSING to love.  And these people choose anything but their spouse.

So when a dear friend of mine, who has been separated from her husband since last Summer, was regaling me with the latest and greatest: "...and then he said 'I love you, I'm just not in love with you anymore'..." the only thing I could think to say was "so, did you punch him in his face?"*

* I don't actually recommend punching him in his face as I'm sure that will lead to assault charges, no matter what state you live in.  Just remember "revenge is a dish best served cold" and "sometimes the best revenge is living well".  If all else fails, we know a good curse for his toes! ;) 

A to Z Blog Challenge: E is for Excuses

Excuses are wonderful to pass out!! Seriously, a good excuse somehow absolves you of your transgressions.  An excuse is the caveat to your bad behavior.   Excuses: the righter of wrongs!! We’ve all dealt out an excuse.  We’ve all bought an excuse.  We’ve all laughed at some lame excuse someone tried to feed us.  My favorite is the “I didn’t mean too”.  It makes me want to punch that person in the face and say “oh, I didn’t mean too…does your nose hurt any less now?”

Most people want to believe the best in people.  We want to see only the good.  It is very uncomfortable to look at someone acting like an asshole.  It’s upsetting.  It's hurtful.  But if there is an excuse for their behavior, somehow everything is right with the world again. Until the next time anyway.

Excuses can be helpful.  Saying "I'm sorry, I can't.  I have to save a flying turtle from a burning tree" sounds so much better then "no, I don't want to come over for dinner.  You're a terrible cook and your dog smells bad."  Although, if you just stop at "I can't" rarely do people ask why.  If they do, chances are you should distance yourself from them anyway.

When our significant other hurts us, or a close friend, we repeatedly ask "why" as if the answer is going to somehow erase the hurt that we are feeling.  "I wasn't myself" "I didn't think" "I was drunk" "I didn't know this would happen" Another one of my favorites "I didn't think you'd find out" Seriously? Can I punch you in the face now?

The funny thing about excuses is that we all think if we find the right one, everything will be ok. We will feel better.  They will feel better.  In reality, the first step to mending fences is accountability.  Accept the responsibility for whatever bonehead thing you did that hurt someone you care about.  Don't accept a lame excuse for the hurt you are feeling.  Demand accountability.  I leave you with a pivotal moment in my life as I was confronting the cheating hEX, the air all around me reeking with the stench of excuses, pain in my heart and patience on vacation:

"OMG! You were wrong! You screwed up and you were wrong! Just sit there in your wrongness and BE WRONG!"

A to Z Blogging Challenge: C is for Communication

Communication - we all do it! Especially us bloggers! We blog to express and exchange information, ideas, thoughts...dirty jokes.  And I'll be the first to admit, I LOVE the sound of my own voice! (Refer to Aries post below).  Have you noticed that we all have different ways of communicating?  It's like we each have our own communication mode that is linked in to a particular channel (out of millions of channels).  Bff's are born when you find people who communicate on the same channel as you.  Although, sometimes people change channels and then issues arise and it can be a whole big mess...but I digress...

Minion 1 and Minion 2 go to a fine arts and communication school.  This cracks me up to no end as I still have to telephone in and listen to a 5 minute message in both English and Spanish just to let the school know we are going to the dentist that morning! Email people!! Or at least give me an option button to bypass the Spanish.  When the kids lunch cards are low on funds, the school slaps a blue sticker on them to let me know.  Do you know what happens when you slap a blue sticker on the front of a 6 yr old boy at 11:30 in the morning?  Neither do I but I assure you, the blue sticker is not in the boy's possession when his mother picks him up at 5:30!

Clearly this school communicates on a different channel then I do. I've tried to bridge this gap.  Whenever I get the annoyed phone call from the lunch lady telling me that Minion 2 had to borrow lunch money again, I always suggest that perhaps if she put the sticker in the middle of his back, it might make it home.  I've also suggested that if she set up an email account to notify parents when their kid is low on funds, she wouldn't have to deal with the tone of my voice anymore...which she apparently doesn't appreciate...

I wonder how often this happens in other relationships?  Particularly romantic ones.  I say what I mean but the other person hears what they want...or is just paying attention to my tone.  I'll be the first to admit I can make a marine cry by saying "hello" in a particular tone...it's a gift...from my mother.  Seriously, how often have you wished that the other person would just Stop for a moment and Listen to your words? It's like "dude, if you just turn your channel to 13, you will totally get what I'm saying".  What we don't realize is they're thinking "dude ette, I'm on channel 22, where on creation did you go?"

So today I'm going to really try to listen in the ways that others are communicating with me.  I'm going to try to control that "OMG, you're really annoying me" feeling and actually Hear what is being expressed to me.  Even if the lunch lady calls today...I'm going to try to appreciate how annoying it must be to spend 3 days putting blue stickers on a child and STILL have his lunch card run out of money.  If CW calls, I'll try to speak British snarky.  If my mother calls, I'll try to speak crazy.  If the hEX calls...hey, Evil Twin, can you babysit my phone today???

Communicate! It's truly worth 1,000 words!