A to Z Blog Challenge: not Quitting on Q

This post is so late, I bet you all thought I was going to Quit on Q!! Nope!!  As my lovely Evil Twin pointed out, my spice and tea shop (Spice Merchants) opened in the City of Fairfax last week. My writing time has gone from slim to zilch (note the good Z word for when the time comes).  So, I'm not Quitting, but I may be a little late sometimes.  Please forgive me.

What I have been thinking about is Quiet.  (You thought Quit was the word of the day, didn't you? It's ok, so did I)  Anyone looking at my life today calls it busy or chaotic.  I think it's the whole "single mom of two, full-time job, just opened a shop" thing.  I call my life blissfully Quiet.

I have a good friend who is going through a nasty separation.  Every time I talk to her I get the latest installment in this saga.  The screaming, the fighting, the name calling, the police always at the house.  It wasn't too long ago that my life was like that.  I hated when the sun went down, that was when the hEX started blowing up my phones or banging on my door.  I walked around with this nervous pit in my stomach, never knowing when and where he was going to strike next. My neighbors were always calling because the police were at my house.  My house was "that house" on the street.  I was suffocating.  It was horrible.

I look around today and my life is so quiet! I put my kids to bed and I read a book or I do some laundry.  No sick feeling in my stomach, no dread of what the next moment may bring.  When I talk to my friends about my life it's all about the amazing things my kids are doing or the opening of my shop.  My life is not the least bit boring.  But it is blissfully Quiet!!

A to Z Blog Challenge: I is for "I'm not in love with you anymore"

This blog was created in part to laugh through our own painful experiences and help others laugh through theirs. (We're really just looking for more contestants in The Tiara Wars) Divorce sucks.  It's painful, it's hurtful and it just plain, flat out sucks!  In an effort to minimize the scars, I started laughing things off.  Laughing with my wonderful Evil Twin helped me to heal better than I probably would have otherwise. (Thank you Heather, btw)

In every painful experience that everyone shares with me, I do try to find the humor in it.  I think this is why people share their painful experiences with me, there's gotta be a joke in there somewhere!!  One of the biggest things I wrestle with in this quest to find humor is the "I'm just not in love with you anymore" statement.  Seriously?  Dude, chances are she hasn't been "in love" with you in years.  This is when that whole commitment thing comes in.  Falling in love happens very naturally, with little to no effort.  Because you're "falling".  No one has to work at "falling".  Sustaining love takes effort and commitment!!!  So, I don't accept "I'm just not in love with you anymore".  That translates to "I'm just too selfish to work on this relationship".

It's very sad, I can't tell you how many marriages I've seen crumble because people just don't understand that there comes a point in EVERY relationship where you are no longer falling in love but you are CHOOSING to love.  And these people choose anything but their spouse.

So when a dear friend of mine, who has been separated from her husband since last Summer, was regaling me with the latest and greatest: "...and then he said 'I love you, I'm just not in love with you anymore'..." the only thing I could think to say was "so, did you punch him in his face?"*

* I don't actually recommend punching him in his face as I'm sure that will lead to assault charges, no matter what state you live in.  Just remember "revenge is a dish best served cold" and "sometimes the best revenge is living well".  If all else fails, we know a good curse for his toes! ;) 

A to Z Blog Challenge: E is for Excuses

Excuses are wonderful to pass out!! Seriously, a good excuse somehow absolves you of your transgressions.  An excuse is the caveat to your bad behavior.   Excuses: the righter of wrongs!! We’ve all dealt out an excuse.  We’ve all bought an excuse.  We’ve all laughed at some lame excuse someone tried to feed us.  My favorite is the “I didn’t mean too”.  It makes me want to punch that person in the face and say “oh, I didn’t mean too…does your nose hurt any less now?”

Most people want to believe the best in people.  We want to see only the good.  It is very uncomfortable to look at someone acting like an asshole.  It’s upsetting.  It's hurtful.  But if there is an excuse for their behavior, somehow everything is right with the world again. Until the next time anyway.

Excuses can be helpful.  Saying "I'm sorry, I can't.  I have to save a flying turtle from a burning tree" sounds so much better then "no, I don't want to come over for dinner.  You're a terrible cook and your dog smells bad."  Although, if you just stop at "I can't" rarely do people ask why.  If they do, chances are you should distance yourself from them anyway.

When our significant other hurts us, or a close friend, we repeatedly ask "why" as if the answer is going to somehow erase the hurt that we are feeling.  "I wasn't myself" "I didn't think" "I was drunk" "I didn't know this would happen" Another one of my favorites "I didn't think you'd find out" Seriously? Can I punch you in the face now?

The funny thing about excuses is that we all think if we find the right one, everything will be ok. We will feel better.  They will feel better.  In reality, the first step to mending fences is accountability.  Accept the responsibility for whatever bonehead thing you did that hurt someone you care about.  Don't accept a lame excuse for the hurt you are feeling.  Demand accountability.  I leave you with a pivotal moment in my life as I was confronting the cheating hEX, the air all around me reeking with the stench of excuses, pain in my heart and patience on vacation:

"OMG! You were wrong! You screwed up and you were wrong! Just sit there in your wrongness and BE WRONG!"