(((A Very Special Shout Out To Wives 1.0!!!!)))

To Sharon and Sabra,

THANK YOU!!!!   OMG!!!  Thank you so much!!!!

The fact that you were both awesome enough to read these posts from the Wives 2.0 is beyond words humbling and encouraging. 

The Good Twin and I started this blog because we crack each other up like no tomorrow!

And beyond that- we wanted a safe place for people going through and surviving divorce to be able to speak their minds and share what's in their hearts. The good, the bad, the "let's not repeat this in a court of law..."

The fact that you have both been through your own divorces and ours as well- that makes you both a wealth of knowledge that our blog needs to hear!

Then add in the different perspective of being Wife 1.0 with kids, and being Wife 1.0 without kids- I feel you both have so much to offer. 

Please email Good Twin and I your thoughts and feelings (or wine recommendations as we are all ears when it comes to wine!)  And we will happily create a blog entry for you.

Again, thank you so much!  And sorry that we married the same a-hole :/

My right to forgive or not to forgive...

It’s no secret that my ex-husband is a nightmare and I don’t like him.  Aside from the fact that I heard “forsake all others” and he heard “partake of all others”, he was abusive in every way one person can abuse another person.  The things that he did to me invoked a great deal of anger that I wrestled with for years.  I actively felt that the world did not owe him a single kindness and he should spend the rest of his life feeling as miserable as he made me feel. 

These days I feel that I don’t owe him a single kindness.  The rest of the world can make its own decisions.   If his life is going great, fantastic for him!  If his life is a train wreck, fantastic for him! I mean, his train wrecks are a source of entertainment for me much the same way Jerry Springer is for other people.  Overall, I really don’t believe I could care less one way or another.

So, when his first wife, wife 1.0, messaged me about needing to forgive him, I was taken aback.  I was wife 2.0 but sometimes I get confused because there was still a lot of anger there with 1.0.  Part of a workshop she is taking is about letting go of past hurts.  Fun stuff!:D  I gave her the requested information and went about my merry way.  But now my wheels are turning.  Looking back through some of my messages with her, neither one of us has any love for the guy.  Her dislike for him has been more passionate than mine but she is also a much more passionate person than I am.   Still,  I had to start asking myself “do I still hate him?” “am I sabotaging my future because of my past” “is there lingering bitterness that is poisoning my present”? And so on.

What I can say, for all of the hell that man put me through, “bygones”.  Seriously, “Bygones”!  I’ve stopped asking “why me”.  I’ve recognized that the demon nightmare forced me to be a stronger person than I ever imagined I could be.  I'll even thank him for that.  I don’t wish him any ill will, like I said “bygones”.   However, he is not the type of person I want for a “friend” or the type of person I want in my life.  And I see no reason to pretend otherwise.  I truly do not owe that man a single kindness.  As long as he stays out of my life and keeps his hands to himself, bygones.

Now, here is where my emotions get complex.  When I think about the trauma that man put my children through, I want to spit on him for the rest of his life.  I want the world to spit on him for the rest of his rotten life.  I’ve mulled it over and over in my head, I’ve twisted and turned it, I’ve tried to look at it from his perspective and I simply can not do it.  There is just no way I will ever forgive that man for the trauma he caused my children.  The images of my children’s tear stained faces the morning of October 1, 2010, are forever burned in my mind and on my heart. 

*long pause while I compose myself*

Even in writing this post.  Those first four paragraphs above, I felt nothing as I wrote them.  I chuckled over a few inappropriate jokes that passed through my mind, but I felt nothing.   In writing that fifth paragraph, my body got hot, my heart started racing, my emotions quickened.

He traumatized my children.  And he traumatized them simply because his life was not going the way he wanted.  I will never stop hating him for that.  I don’t let that feeling get in the way of my life now.  But I hate him, for the trauma he caused my babies I truly hate him.  And before everyone gets up on the “forgiveness” soap box, think about these few things:

1) part of what stemmed from that day was his court ordered enrollment in an 18 week Anger Management course.  At the end of which he wrote me an apology letter.  What I pointed out to his anger management coach is that in his “heartfelt apology letter” he eloquently apologized for a bunch of crap that he did while we were married.  The events that led to him being in that class, the trauma he caused my children, were not even alluded to in his “look at me, I’m sorry” letter; and

2) how would you feel about the person who caused unimaginable and irrevocable trauma to your child? Think about it, can you feel the anger?  Now explain to me why I should feel differently just because that person is their “dad”.

I don't hate my ex-husband. I do hate the father of my children.  Like so many other things that have grown from my experiences these past several years, that feeling is a part of me.  It doesn't define me.  And frankly, I’m good with it.

This amazing entry was chilling in our "Drafts" file.  I could not let it linger there as it proves what a strong, beyond awesome woman the Good Twin is!  She writes what I'm too chicken shit to say.  She's been a source of strength and laughter throughout my separation and divorce and even came to my divorce hearing and held my hand as I was shaking out of my skin.  Not only that, she's my best friend, emotional soul mate and wine sister extraordinaire! 
I so frigging love you!!!!

-

Behold the Awesome of Settling!

So, at some point in my life- I was watching this movie, I couldn’t tell you what it was called, or who stared in it, but I fell deeply, madly, head-over-heals for one of the supporting cast.  I call this beckon of everything that is good in life- “The Holy Grail of Lamps!”

So, again, no frigging clue what the movie was called- but there’s a scene where the married couple are in bed and she reaches over to turn off the light and I instantly fell in love!  Angels sung, my whole world tingled- this was no mere lamp, it was THE LAMP!!!!  And so unlike “The One” this is something I could dream to obtain and behold its beauty every day without ever having to step foot in a bar!  This was no bad flashback to Vegas my friends, this was true love!

I’ve spent years (don’t judge me!) on the internet trying to find a copy of the answer to my dreams.  While I found “Oh so similar” – I could never find The Holy Grail of Lamps.  (BTW- when you’re in love with something that is adorned with blue glass balls- resist the urge to type “blue balls” in your search engine L  you’ll thank me…

So I found myself again this month, searching for the Holy Grail of Lamps.  Much to my amazement, I found it!!!!!  OMG!!!!!   No, not the “Holy Grail of Lamps” (please note, this is Me- and the Universe enjoys dangling unobtainable things in front of my face like some Cosmic cat toy joke) But if you couldn’t have “The One” and were willing to settle for his slightly less gorgeous, slightly less rich younger brother- this was Almost freaking Paradise!!!!  (Which was the original title to the Ann Wilson/Loverboy song! True Story!)

 

 

Now my first clue should have been the Universe whispering “Wait for it, wait for it…” in my ear.  Or maybe watching the Angels place bets on how quickly I would snap…  But I was swept away in the amazing lust-fest that it is an eagerness to settle for second best, when my credit card wielding fingers took a brief pause at the price of Less Hot Younger Brother.  $197???  Then my OCD kicks in.  “You can’t just buy one lamp- you need two!  You must have two lamps in order to balance a room!  Are you truly willing to invest $394 to settle on an almost dream come true?”

I sat back and pondered this a bit.  That’s a lot of effing money for two lamps…  So I gaze back upon the almost perfect token of my affection.  And just as Gabriel made a clean swept of every dream I’ve ever had – I decided that $394 was worth it to end my bitter longing….

Until I saw that $394 was actually $2,394.00 + tax….   Yep, $1,197.00 an effing lamp.  For real Yo….

(Ariel never had a chance)

I would love to type that there is indeed over 2 grand available on my credit card and I was like “YOLO!!!!” But alas, that constant nagging bitch named Reality came a calling and I was schooled proper.  L

  I cried for like 5 minutes and then channeled my inner Matthew Wilde and decided “Ain’t NOTHING gonna breaka my stride!”

Or- I decided this was a prime opportunity to go to Target, buy lots of wine and cry bitterly.

But sometimes the Universe has other plans!

While at Target, shopping for my bottled shame, I happened upon the last two of “Had I divorced his less rich brother and then settled for his backwoods cousin- this would be OMG perfect!!!”

Behold the awesome of Wine!  And Target!!!  Because YES!  You can put a price on broken dreams and it's frigging affordable too*!

 

(*awesome statue of Macha not included)

 

((((((((AMY!!!!)))))))))

Happily dying of squee right now! :)  Thank you for following us!!!

For those of you who don't know Amy- OMG you suck!!!  No, not really, but you are totally missing out on one amazing spirit and friend.  I could babble on for hours over the Awesome that is Good Twin or the Awesome that is HP John, but neither could come close to the Super Woman of OMG WANT!!! Accessories Amy!!!!

 

My Arch Nemesis, My Friend?

So, during my marriage, I had the ultimate Arch Nemesis.  Not only was she evil, she was E-V-I-L!!!!  So much to the point where her disregard for her kids and her pining away for my Husband colored my life for 12 years +.....
Looking back, my relationship with my Ex was colored by all sorts of drama.  The fact that his parents' didn't love him, the fact that his Ex bled him dry every chance that she could, the fact that he didn't have a college degree and couldn't get the salary that he deserved from work and that fact that the world was stifled against him- made me believe he was the ultimate Knight in Shining Armor- but due to the fact that his Ex was Bi-polar, not on meds and crazy, meant that our lives would be stained by trauma, repeatedly...
I had the most amazing step-children ever!  And although we butted heads repeatedly, it was only because their biological Mother could not give them the love and attention they deserved (She was too busy getting drunk at the bar every night and bringing strange men home to the house and the next morning asking her kids to lie about them.)  and since her daughter was the spiting image of her, it meant that I must endure the crazy bi-polar ways of her Mom in her...
Ignoring the Age Old Wisdom of "If it sounds too good to be true, it probably is...."  Which I've adapted to "If it sounds to Evil to be true, it probably isn't"
John's Ex embodied everything that was wrong with this world. 
So naturally, I was bitter beyond belief and saw her as the ultimate evil that needed to be expunged from our lives so that we could live the happy fairy tale that we had always dreamed about.
I never questioned why we had to open our hearts and home whenever the E-V-I-L Ex was in town to visit.
I never questioned why my Husband and his family were so frigging up her Ass when she visited to the point where I had to be drunk just to get through it.  These were the same people who spoke unabashed in front of her kids of what a sex-crazed, mentally unbalanced, cheating nightmare she was!!!!

It's actually taking me forever to finish this post as I never want to revisit that point in my life again- not even as a healing life lesson... 

So the one advantage to having the Anti-Christ as the Ex Wife is that you can focus all that hate, animosity and insecurity on her and it doesn't cost you a thing!  You can get so wrapped up in the drama-cycle that you never have to take a closer look at anything in your life.  Sadly, it was also an advantage as when my Ex or his family were on an E-V-I-L Ex bashing kick- those were the times they weren't bashing me.  I was almost a part of the family so to speak.

Yes, there were a lot of things that just didn't add up.  My Ex would be talking with her on the phone (trying to pacify her evil ways for the kids' sake of course.)  And he would actually sound happy to talk to her.  Sometimes he would say something to set her off and then put her on speakerphone so I could hear how out of control she was.  I really admired my Ex for being able to put himself second and the kids first.

So basically it was all a big lie (much like my marriage).  Not only was my Ex actively ensuring drama between  the E-V-I-L Ex Wife and I, he lived for the cat fights that he frigging caused!  He basically led a double-life of deceit where he could be the hero/friend to both of us without the other being any the wiser. 

One of the "Wake up and smell reality" moments for me was when I first told my Husband I was divorcing him and he replied "Now you and E-V-I-L Ex Wife can be friends!"  WTH???
He was dead serious knowing that if I no longer believed his BS, the game was officially up.

I also had several run ins with the E-V-I-L Ex during the separation and divorce as she was now living in VA and we saw each other at family gatherings- and we started talking.  All shades of awkward at first- but then we were able to compare notes in a way that got us both swearing and gulping down wine, chain-smoking, crying... pretty much running the whole gambit of emotions.  Part of me still wanted to believe that she was the E-V-I-L Ex, but the fact that she knew personal details that she could only have heard from the Ex himself,  I had to wise up and face reality.  We bonded over the fact that neither of us was the evil monster that we were portrayed as- although we both felt stupid for being played like that.  We became FB friends and it got to the point where I didn't have an anxiety attack every time I was to see her in person.  Ironically not so E-V-I-L Ex Wife also bonded with almost Wife #3!  (although we're both kinda jealous of her for being smart enough to say "I don't!")

All I want for Christmas is a new dishwasher...

The last few days I've had all sorts of inappropriate thoughts that while they were very amusing at the time, I'm sure they're going to cost me my dishwasher.  Here are the highlights...

It all started when Minion 1 was invited to a birthday/slumber party next week.  I don’t know this family, I’ve seen both mom and dad in passing but I’ve barely exchanged 5 words with them.  I told Minion 1 that she could go to the party but she can’t sleep over (I have a feeling we’re not done discussing this yet…but I digress).  So I pulled up a map to see exactly where these people live.  Turns out they live in the VERY nice section of town.  I was looking at these big, beautiful houses and I actually felt a twinge of jealousy “Damn! This is the house I could have had if I’d married someone good!”  Doh! But if I didn’t marry the demon I wouldn’t have Minion 1 and Minion 2 who are way, way better than a big, pretty, new house with a working dishwasher! 

Thursday was one of those days at work that prove it’s a good thing I keep so many pictures of my kids hanging around my office.  Every time I stood up to leave while shouting “take this job and shove it where the sun don't shine!” I'd see Minion 2’s little face “aww, he likes to eat” or Minion 1’s little face “aww, she likes Justice clothes”.  So I sat my ass back down and continued to suck it!  Of course, this was also the day of our quarterly staff meeting.  Which reminded me of all the comments I meant to put in the suggestion box…both constructive and obscene…Doh!!  To recap the 30 minutes of my life I’ll never get back:

We’re able to wear Halloween costumes next week.  While we were being told the rules of the Halloween costume to work event, I whispered to the poor soul who sat next to me:

Me: Are you dressing up for this?

Poor Soul: Yes!!

Me: as what?

PS: I’m a witch!

Me: No, I mean what is your costume going to be?

DOH!

PS: well what are you going to be?

Me: an athlete

PS: that’s stupid!

Me: yeah well, while you’re wearing itchy witch tights and uncomfortable high heels, I’ll be in sweat pants and sneakers so nah! (and I stuck my tongue out at her)

Double DOH!

The meeting continues, now we are being told about our new parking passes which will be issued to us on Friday and our cars will be towed if we don’t display the passes.

PS: Good.  Maybe those jerks next door will stop parking in our garage.

Me: I’ve already rented my pass to one of those jerks for $50/month. 

PS: why would you do that?

Me: I need money for new Legos.

DOH!

The meeting continues, now we are being warned that a hurricane is expected as early as Monday and we should all do our best to clear our dockets as soon as possible since we don’t know what the power supply will be like.

Me: umm, yeah! A hurricane is approaching that is being compared to the Perfect Storm of England and they think I’ll worry about my docket. Sure, right!

PS: it’s your job to worry about your docket!

Me: if they wanted me to worry about my docket during storms that are likened to the Perfect Storm of England, they should pay me more money (which was actually one of my suggestions that never made it to the box!!)

The meeting continues, now they are announcing the employee of the quarter and it turns out to be none other than my favorite big sister, Aunt Bes!!!  Aunt Bes is on leave for the next 5 weeks as she had shoulder surgery yesterday.  I grab my phone and begin texting:

Me: You’ve won employee of the quarter!!! Congratulations!!!! Can I have the parking spot until you return to work? Which reminds me, how'd the surgery go?

The crème de la crème of this week, Wednesday was my ex mother in law’s 85^th birthday!! I emailed the demon hEX thinking he may want to celebrate with her and the kids. He responded that he wasn’t going to be able to drive the whole hour to see her on her birthday but I could take the kids by if I wanted to.  (Dishwasher gasped for breath as I thought “Backyard Grill won’t hold over the happy hour special for you so you can visit your mother on her 85^th birthday? Maybe you should pledge allegiance to a new bar”) 

Since I firmly believe that no one should be alone on their birthday, particularly a milestone birthday like 85, and because it matters to my minions to celebrate with their grandmother on her birthday, and further because I’m not an ass (at least not over things like this) the minions and I brought over flowers and desserts and frankly, we had an awesome evening!! My mother in law was so happy and we just had a good time!

*proud as a peacock parent moment* Minion 1 suffered a HUGE disappointment at school on Wednesday.  She was in absolute tears all the way over to her grandmother’s house.  We arrived and she dried her face, took a deep breath, put on her prettiest smile and did everything she could to make sure that her grandmother had an awesome birthday!  She cried more that night as I put her to bed but to watch her make a big deal about her grandmother’s 85^th birthday, even though her precious little heart was hurting and raw was just WOW! My cup runneth over!!

And when I shared this story with the demon hEX, he responded with “SO proud of her, and thank you thank you thank you again!!! It made mom’s day. :)” which for some reason pissed in my cornflakes and made me want to respond with “I’m sure your mother would have preferred to see her son on her 85^th birthday instead of one of her ex-daughter in laws but if this is her last birthday on Earth at least she will die with the comfort of knowing that her grandchildren won't grow up to be assholes like their father”

All I want for Christmas is a new dishwasher.


 

Zombie Apocalypse

CW and the Evil Twin are both huge Walking Dead fans.  I have succumbed to the peer pressure and I’ve watched the last two episodes.  I admit that it is an entertaining show, it did give me something to do while putting together my Lego Vampyre Castle.  And while Murphy is amazing to look at no matter what, I liked it much better when he was killing mobsters, but I digress. 

I spent the better part of yesterday morning thinking about how horrible and unfair it is to be a zombie.  Can you imagine?  You die, like…you’re dead…which just sucks!  But instead of being able to rest, your body is turned into a dumb, brain eating, thing…which is ironic in and of itself.  You feed off of brains yet you’re stupid.  And your only relief from this plight is to be murdered, i.e., to die…AGAIN!  It just seems so grossly unfair!  *shaking head*  

So, last night I dreamt that I was in the vampire Matthew’s Lodge, but it looked like the inside of my Lego Vampyre Castle.  Except that I had to add a bathroom with a stand up shower and a soaking tub.  I gotta have a soaking tub.  And I was in the soaking tub, surrounded by lots of rosemary and mint smelling bubbles when CW bursts into the bathroom holding a bunch of long, metal, brown…sticks…and yelling for me to get out of the tub because the zombies are coming and I need to help him defeat them!!

Me:  You’re not allowed in here.  You don’t believe in Vampires and you don’t think castles are fun.  OUT!! Out of my vampire castle!

CW: They're going to eat our brains! We have to defend our castle.  For God sakes woman, get out of the tub!!

Me: This is my castle and there are no zombies coming.  Plus, I have a moat.

CW: Since when?

Me: Since now, I just imagined one around the castle.  That’s the beauty of GoodTwinLand dreams.  I can make them anything I want!

CW: Good Twin, the zombies are coming!! We have to kill them!! Isn’t this what you’ve been training for?

Me: To kill zombies? Ah, no.  *sigh* Just leave the zombies be.  They’re dead for crying out loud!

Then I woke up and had to immediately text CW.  Thank goodness he doesn’t seem to mind getting crazy text messages in the middle of the night!

I finally went back to sleep and had an uneventful rest of the night.  I got up this morning to exercise, as though nothing happened.  In the exercise video, Tony Horton every so often tells me to check my heart rate, which I do.  I don’t have a heart rate monitor though.  I can’t afford one since I bought the p90X and all the crap that goes with it.  But I do know how to check my own heart rate! (and my Dad said taking that aerobics class in college was a waste of credits!!)  So Tony Horton tells me to check my heart rate and when I try to, I can’t find my pulse!! I can’t find it anywhere! I begin to frantically search my wrist, my neck, and my chest for my heartbeat and suddenly I think “Oh, shit! Did the zombies actually get me last night? How am I going to explain this to the Evil Twin??”

Anywho, here's the Vampyre Castle, cool huh? If you look to the left you can see the dungeon I built for the Evil Twin, complete with a mummified Prince! You're welcome E.T.!

Good Twin's Lego Vampyre Castle