The Perfect Christmas Tree Part 1

CW and I went out to the country to cut down our own Christmas tree, much to the chagrin of the Evil Twin.

ET: Why are you committing arborcide?
Me: So I can decorate the corpse with meaningless baubles to the joy and squee of my minions.
ET: *sigh*
Me: Now you sound like CW.  I'm troubled.
ET: Now I am too!  Seriously, I like my trees like I like my men, fake and collapsible for easy storage.
Me: I like my trees like my men too.  Real and something I can kick to the curb when it no longer pleases me.
ET: Run CW, RUN!!!

But I digress...let me take you to the farm.  It was beautiful!! Fields of every pine tree you could imagine, quaint little farm buildings, fresh country air.  Anyone who knows me, knows this is where I'm truly home! And besides growing their own Christmas trees, they make their own honey!!!  I spent a joyous few minutes tasting honeys infused with vanilla, maple, lemon thyme, mint, and winter spice.  All the while I tried to imagine what they would taste like in my Paris crack tea...

The farm is in the mountains.  It's very cold and windy in the mountains in late November.  Even with my love of fresh, brisk air, I'll admit it, it was cold!  This farm has a lot of already cut trees and then the fields of "do it yourself" not cut trees.  I should interject here that CW is CDO about all of the things I'm not CDO about.  E.g., he doesn't understand why I say "CDO" instead of "OCD".  He doesn't care that "OCD" is not in alphabetical order.  On the flip side, he has to have the perfect Christmas tree.  It has to look perfect, smell perfect, be the perfect height, etc... I just want one that gives me a warm fuzzy as I walk past it.  Again, I digress...

So, we're in the Christmas tree "cut it your damn self" field, in the mountains, where it's cold and windy and there is something wrong with every last tree that gives me a warm fuzzy

CW: there's too many branches on the left side.  That one's too tall, that one's too short, that one's too green...this one's the wrong green...

Then we passed by one and something in it was squeaking

Me: Oh, CW, we have to get this one!! It comes with it's own critter!!
CW: what are you talking about?
Me: listen

Whether he heard the squeaking or not, I don't know.  He just shook his head and walked away.  It was so cold on the mountain, and since my desire to keep my hands in my pockets was stronger than my desire to search the tree, I have no idea what critter was making that squeak.

A few minutes later I found the close to perfect Christmas tree (I say close to perfect because it didn't have critters living in it)

Me: CW, this is it!! This is our tree!!
CW: it's kind of short *looking skeptical* what makes you say that?
Me: look at the mini pine cones!! This one comes with mini pine cones!! I know it's not a furry little critter but mini pine cones!!!

At this point, CW decided he no longer wanted to cut down our Christmas tree.  We returned to the pre-cut area where he selected a very tall, very fragrant, very sensible Frasier fur.

This isn't it.  We are still welcoming our tree to it's very last home.  This is our tree's twin sister, Fortunate Fir

OK- obvious *clouds parting on the glorious beauty that is the OMG the most perfect tree EVER!!!!- *cough cough* or equally as all shades of awesome tree's equally as awesome twin brother?
Where is the picture of said perfect Harmony of branches to the left and the right to the point where CW actually approves?????  *Evil Twin head shake on the fact that he was willing to forfeit on the unknown OMG FREE CRITTERS TREE!!!*
(Please note that the Evil Twin is there by your side through creatures known and unknown, through the random rabies shots bestowed upon the Awesome that is the Minions!!!)

Pictures needed ASAP- as you know- because I can't keep a secret from you to save my soul- I bought you the most glorious Jenny Lawson: Knock Knock MOFO! ornament ever!!!! Which was meant to grace the most glorious of all that is awesome fake tree-
But since you are dead set on your aborciding ways, I must settle for a pic of equal branches to the left and to the right said wonder tree of yours- before I deem it worthy of said Jenny Lawson- I would almost get a rooster tattoo but that's why I'm also on meds said glory!!!!

Tiara Wars

The Evil Twin was going through her separation/divorce as I was going through the process of getting a protective order against my ex-husband and adjusting to "normal" life.  I think the Evil Twin and I married twin sons born of different mothers.  They both give new definition to the term "hEX".

I have always loved E.T.'s sense of humor.  It's snarky! And she really helped me learn to laugh at the craziness during this horrible time in my life.  One way she accomplished this was by inventing the Tiara Wars.  She still had the tiara from her wedding.  We decided that this tiara should be bestowed on the Twin whose hEX was being the most rotten.  We had a good 6 months of trading that tiara back and forth every other day.  Rev. hEX decided to become a Reverend to avoid paying taxes, I had to give up the tiara.  Then my demon hEX married a woman he'd met online,who he had known for 6 months and who lived in Iowa. That one actually bought me the tiara for quite some time.

As more friends came to us with horror stories of their separation/divorce, the contestant list for the coveted Tiara grew at a frightning pace. It may sound childish, but again, it made me laugh during a horrible time. Some of the crazy the demon hEX pulled made me feel all levels of WTF? And when E.T. would call me up and say "hand over the tiara good twin, you're not going to believe this..." I laughed and felt less alone.

The Good Twin has captured the essence of the "Tiara Wars" and then some!!!
OMG, what to add?  First off, after my dreams of Happily Ever After ended quite bitterly- I was weeding through my possessions after the agonizing split- one of the things I felt emotionally fueled to hang on to was the tiara from my wedding.  Yes, it's beautiful, it's sparkling, it encompasses every Bride's dream of the "Happily Ever After" 
Leaving the Ex, I couldn't take the antique server I was given from my Grandmother- because my beloved Minion 2.0 still used it as his place to store his keys.  The fact that I was leaving my home and moving into a bedroom at my Parents' house- pushed the envelope of "take only what you need" which is an especially devastating concept to a Taurus.  We emotionally bond to inanimate objects- that's just how we are.  It's not the dollar value of said objects, just how they make us feel. 
So- moving into the closet sized bedroom that what was to become my existence- I made sure that my wedding tiara was placed front and center- an everyday reminder to be careful what you wish for.  It wasn't until the Good Twin taught me how to laugh again- that I looked to the tiara as the ultimate "Ms. Ex Married USA Pageant"  We were both two overly-damaged women trying to free ourselves from the drama cycle- and what better way to free yourself from an over dose of bitter- than to make it a contest?  My Ex had issues extraordinaire - her ex had issues extraordinaire- instead of responding on an anxiety fueled level to things we couldn't control or comprehend- we learned to laugh and grow from the Jerry Springer that was our Exes' life.  We were two soldiers in arms- daring our Exes to out compete themselves for the coveted "Tiara!!!"

(((A Very Special Shout Out To Wives 1.0!!!!)))

To Sharon and Sabra,

THANK YOU!!!!   OMG!!!  Thank you so much!!!!

The fact that you were both awesome enough to read these posts from the Wives 2.0 is beyond words humbling and encouraging. 

The Good Twin and I started this blog because we crack each other up like no tomorrow!

And beyond that- we wanted a safe place for people going through and surviving divorce to be able to speak their minds and share what's in their hearts. The good, the bad, the "let's not repeat this in a court of law..."

The fact that you have both been through your own divorces and ours as well- that makes you both a wealth of knowledge that our blog needs to hear!

Then add in the different perspective of being Wife 1.0 with kids, and being Wife 1.0 without kids- I feel you both have so much to offer. 

Please email Good Twin and I your thoughts and feelings (or wine recommendations as we are all ears when it comes to wine!)  And we will happily create a blog entry for you.

Again, thank you so much!  And sorry that we married the same a-hole :/

My right to forgive or not to forgive...

It’s no secret that my ex-husband is a nightmare and I don’t like him.  Aside from the fact that I heard “forsake all others” and he heard “partake of all others”, he was abusive in every way one person can abuse another person.  The things that he did to me invoked a great deal of anger that I wrestled with for years.  I actively felt that the world did not owe him a single kindness and he should spend the rest of his life feeling as miserable as he made me feel. 

These days I feel that I don’t owe him a single kindness.  The rest of the world can make its own decisions.   If his life is going great, fantastic for him!  If his life is a train wreck, fantastic for him! I mean, his train wrecks are a source of entertainment for me much the same way Jerry Springer is for other people.  Overall, I really don’t believe I could care less one way or another.

So, when his first wife, wife 1.0, messaged me about needing to forgive him, I was taken aback.  I was wife 2.0 but sometimes I get confused because there was still a lot of anger there with 1.0.  Part of a workshop she is taking is about letting go of past hurts.  Fun stuff!:D  I gave her the requested information and went about my merry way.  But now my wheels are turning.  Looking back through some of my messages with her, neither one of us has any love for the guy.  Her dislike for him has been more passionate than mine but she is also a much more passionate person than I am.   Still,  I had to start asking myself “do I still hate him?” “am I sabotaging my future because of my past” “is there lingering bitterness that is poisoning my present”? And so on.

What I can say, for all of the hell that man put me through, “bygones”.  Seriously, “Bygones”!  I’ve stopped asking “why me”.  I’ve recognized that the demon nightmare forced me to be a stronger person than I ever imagined I could be.  I'll even thank him for that.  I don’t wish him any ill will, like I said “bygones”.   However, he is not the type of person I want for a “friend” or the type of person I want in my life.  And I see no reason to pretend otherwise.  I truly do not owe that man a single kindness.  As long as he stays out of my life and keeps his hands to himself, bygones.

Now, here is where my emotions get complex.  When I think about the trauma that man put my children through, I want to spit on him for the rest of his life.  I want the world to spit on him for the rest of his rotten life.  I’ve mulled it over and over in my head, I’ve twisted and turned it, I’ve tried to look at it from his perspective and I simply can not do it.  There is just no way I will ever forgive that man for the trauma he caused my children.  The images of my children’s tear stained faces the morning of October 1, 2010, are forever burned in my mind and on my heart. 

*long pause while I compose myself*

Even in writing this post.  Those first four paragraphs above, I felt nothing as I wrote them.  I chuckled over a few inappropriate jokes that passed through my mind, but I felt nothing.   In writing that fifth paragraph, my body got hot, my heart started racing, my emotions quickened.

He traumatized my children.  And he traumatized them simply because his life was not going the way he wanted.  I will never stop hating him for that.  I don’t let that feeling get in the way of my life now.  But I hate him, for the trauma he caused my babies I truly hate him.  And before everyone gets up on the “forgiveness” soap box, think about these few things:

1) part of what stemmed from that day was his court ordered enrollment in an 18 week Anger Management course.  At the end of which he wrote me an apology letter.  What I pointed out to his anger management coach is that in his “heartfelt apology letter” he eloquently apologized for a bunch of crap that he did while we were married.  The events that led to him being in that class, the trauma he caused my children, were not even alluded to in his “look at me, I’m sorry” letter; and

2) how would you feel about the person who caused unimaginable and irrevocable trauma to your child? Think about it, can you feel the anger?  Now explain to me why I should feel differently just because that person is their “dad”.

I don't hate my ex-husband. I do hate the father of my children.  Like so many other things that have grown from my experiences these past several years, that feeling is a part of me.  It doesn't define me.  And frankly, I’m good with it.

This amazing entry was chilling in our "Drafts" file.  I could not let it linger there as it proves what a strong, beyond awesome woman the Good Twin is!  She writes what I'm too chicken shit to say.  She's been a source of strength and laughter throughout my separation and divorce and even came to my divorce hearing and held my hand as I was shaking out of my skin.  Not only that, she's my best friend, emotional soul mate and wine sister extraordinaire! 
I so frigging love you!!!!

-

Behold the Awesome of Settling!

So, at some point in my life- I was watching this movie, I couldn’t tell you what it was called, or who stared in it, but I fell deeply, madly, head-over-heals for one of the supporting cast.  I call this beckon of everything that is good in life- “The Holy Grail of Lamps!”

So, again, no frigging clue what the movie was called- but there’s a scene where the married couple are in bed and she reaches over to turn off the light and I instantly fell in love!  Angels sung, my whole world tingled- this was no mere lamp, it was THE LAMP!!!!  And so unlike “The One” this is something I could dream to obtain and behold its beauty every day without ever having to step foot in a bar!  This was no bad flashback to Vegas my friends, this was true love!

I’ve spent years (don’t judge me!) on the internet trying to find a copy of the answer to my dreams.  While I found “Oh so similar” – I could never find The Holy Grail of Lamps.  (BTW- when you’re in love with something that is adorned with blue glass balls- resist the urge to type “blue balls” in your search engine L  you’ll thank me…

So I found myself again this month, searching for the Holy Grail of Lamps.  Much to my amazement, I found it!!!!!  OMG!!!!!   No, not the “Holy Grail of Lamps” (please note, this is Me- and the Universe enjoys dangling unobtainable things in front of my face like some Cosmic cat toy joke) But if you couldn’t have “The One” and were willing to settle for his slightly less gorgeous, slightly less rich younger brother- this was Almost freaking Paradise!!!!  (Which was the original title to the Ann Wilson/Loverboy song! True Story!)

 

 

Now my first clue should have been the Universe whispering “Wait for it, wait for it…” in my ear.  Or maybe watching the Angels place bets on how quickly I would snap…  But I was swept away in the amazing lust-fest that it is an eagerness to settle for second best, when my credit card wielding fingers took a brief pause at the price of Less Hot Younger Brother.  $197???  Then my OCD kicks in.  “You can’t just buy one lamp- you need two!  You must have two lamps in order to balance a room!  Are you truly willing to invest $394 to settle on an almost dream come true?”

I sat back and pondered this a bit.  That’s a lot of effing money for two lamps…  So I gaze back upon the almost perfect token of my affection.  And just as Gabriel made a clean swept of every dream I’ve ever had – I decided that $394 was worth it to end my bitter longing….

Until I saw that $394 was actually $2,394.00 + tax….   Yep, $1,197.00 an effing lamp.  For real Yo….

(Ariel never had a chance)

I would love to type that there is indeed over 2 grand available on my credit card and I was like “YOLO!!!!” But alas, that constant nagging bitch named Reality came a calling and I was schooled proper.  L

  I cried for like 5 minutes and then channeled my inner Matthew Wilde and decided “Ain’t NOTHING gonna breaka my stride!”

Or- I decided this was a prime opportunity to go to Target, buy lots of wine and cry bitterly.

But sometimes the Universe has other plans!

While at Target, shopping for my bottled shame, I happened upon the last two of “Had I divorced his less rich brother and then settled for his backwoods cousin- this would be OMG perfect!!!”

Behold the awesome of Wine!  And Target!!!  Because YES!  You can put a price on broken dreams and it's frigging affordable too*!

 

(*awesome statue of Macha not included)

 

((((((((AMY!!!!)))))))))

Happily dying of squee right now! :)  Thank you for following us!!!

For those of you who don't know Amy- OMG you suck!!!  No, not really, but you are totally missing out on one amazing spirit and friend.  I could babble on for hours over the Awesome that is Good Twin or the Awesome that is HP John, but neither could come close to the Super Woman of OMG WANT!!! Accessories Amy!!!!

 

My Arch Nemesis, My Friend?

So, during my marriage, I had the ultimate Arch Nemesis.  Not only was she evil, she was E-V-I-L!!!!  So much to the point where her disregard for her kids and her pining away for my Husband colored my life for 12 years +.....
Looking back, my relationship with my Ex was colored by all sorts of drama.  The fact that his parents' didn't love him, the fact that his Ex bled him dry every chance that she could, the fact that he didn't have a college degree and couldn't get the salary that he deserved from work and that fact that the world was stifled against him- made me believe he was the ultimate Knight in Shining Armor- but due to the fact that his Ex was Bi-polar, not on meds and crazy, meant that our lives would be stained by trauma, repeatedly...
I had the most amazing step-children ever!  And although we butted heads repeatedly, it was only because their biological Mother could not give them the love and attention they deserved (She was too busy getting drunk at the bar every night and bringing strange men home to the house and the next morning asking her kids to lie about them.)  and since her daughter was the spiting image of her, it meant that I must endure the crazy bi-polar ways of her Mom in her...
Ignoring the Age Old Wisdom of "If it sounds too good to be true, it probably is...."  Which I've adapted to "If it sounds to Evil to be true, it probably isn't"
John's Ex embodied everything that was wrong with this world. 
So naturally, I was bitter beyond belief and saw her as the ultimate evil that needed to be expunged from our lives so that we could live the happy fairy tale that we had always dreamed about.
I never questioned why we had to open our hearts and home whenever the E-V-I-L Ex was in town to visit.
I never questioned why my Husband and his family were so frigging up her Ass when she visited to the point where I had to be drunk just to get through it.  These were the same people who spoke unabashed in front of her kids of what a sex-crazed, mentally unbalanced, cheating nightmare she was!!!!

It's actually taking me forever to finish this post as I never want to revisit that point in my life again- not even as a healing life lesson... 

So the one advantage to having the Anti-Christ as the Ex Wife is that you can focus all that hate, animosity and insecurity on her and it doesn't cost you a thing!  You can get so wrapped up in the drama-cycle that you never have to take a closer look at anything in your life.  Sadly, it was also an advantage as when my Ex or his family were on an E-V-I-L Ex bashing kick- those were the times they weren't bashing me.  I was almost a part of the family so to speak.

Yes, there were a lot of things that just didn't add up.  My Ex would be talking with her on the phone (trying to pacify her evil ways for the kids' sake of course.)  And he would actually sound happy to talk to her.  Sometimes he would say something to set her off and then put her on speakerphone so I could hear how out of control she was.  I really admired my Ex for being able to put himself second and the kids first.

So basically it was all a big lie (much like my marriage).  Not only was my Ex actively ensuring drama between  the E-V-I-L Ex Wife and I, he lived for the cat fights that he frigging caused!  He basically led a double-life of deceit where he could be the hero/friend to both of us without the other being any the wiser. 

One of the "Wake up and smell reality" moments for me was when I first told my Husband I was divorcing him and he replied "Now you and E-V-I-L Ex Wife can be friends!"  WTH???
He was dead serious knowing that if I no longer believed his BS, the game was officially up.

I also had several run ins with the E-V-I-L Ex during the separation and divorce as she was now living in VA and we saw each other at family gatherings- and we started talking.  All shades of awkward at first- but then we were able to compare notes in a way that got us both swearing and gulping down wine, chain-smoking, crying... pretty much running the whole gambit of emotions.  Part of me still wanted to believe that she was the E-V-I-L Ex, but the fact that she knew personal details that she could only have heard from the Ex himself,  I had to wise up and face reality.  We bonded over the fact that neither of us was the evil monster that we were portrayed as- although we both felt stupid for being played like that.  We became FB friends and it got to the point where I didn't have an anxiety attack every time I was to see her in person.  Ironically not so E-V-I-L Ex Wife also bonded with almost Wife #3!  (although we're both kinda jealous of her for being smart enough to say "I don't!")