The Perfect Christmas Tree Part Deux

So, CW and I get back from the country.  I’ve made it perfectly clear that I am not doing anything until I can feel my limbs again and I’ve had some food.  The first order of business is Red, White and Bleu, where we got a bottle of my favorite Chilean Cabernet and some truffled cheddar.  Then we grabbed a Boardwalk Sicilian.  Yes, he knows how to bribe me well! Once I was warm and full, I agreed to deal with the perfect Christmas tree (which was still outside and tied to the roof of the car).

When I bought this house my “Tool Box” consisted of 1 big hammer, 1 little hammer, 1 flat head screwdriver, 1 philips head screwdriver, 2 things of duct tape and my ex-husband.  Through the years as things have needed repairing, I run off to Home Depot and get whatever tool it is I need to fix whatever it is that needs to be fixed.  And then I put said tool in my garage.  My garage has a mind of it’s own.  You may think you know what tool you need but my garage has it’s finger on the pulse.  You will only ever find the tool the GARAGE thinks you need.  e.g., you go into the garage looking for a wrench.  The only tool you will find is one of the screwdriver twins.  You won’t ever see that wrench until you are looking for plumber’s tape.  So, imagine my shock when CW and I go looking for 1 of the 2 saws that I’ve sacrificed to my garage and the only thing we were able to find are the 3 pairs of garden sheers…which barely work on the bushes.  There is no way these things will trim the trunk of a Fraser Fir! 

Fortunately, CW’s parents live about ½ mile from my house.  And they have a 2-car garage filled with tools.  Good tools.  Unlike me who buys the cheapest tool I can find, they buy good quality tools!  So I pack up an offering of homemade sugar cookies (the non-zombie ones) and CW heads to the parental units garage to secure a saw.  Unlike my garage, Mr. W’s garage is tame and follows directions!

I was halfway through my glass of Chilean Cabernet when I noticed that CW had been gone for almost an hour.  Hmmm…he should be back by now.  I glance out the window and see that his car is here. Hmmmm...*chee chee chee hah hah hah chee chee chee hah hah hah*  I decide to take the risk of ending up in a horror film and look around outside the house for him..in the dark.  I step out onto the front porch, and as I scan for zombies I see this:

CW trying to hold a giant tree while trimming the trunk with a hand saw...

Me: (trying not to laugh) What are you doing?

CW: (looking very frustrated) Always remember, if someone offers you an electric saw, YOU TAKE IT!!!!

Me: (in my head only) well, duh!

I had to take one more picture before I offered any assistance:

CW and the Perfect Christmas Tree

Me: (holding down the tree so CW can cut...with the hand saw) so let me get this straight, your Dad offers you an electric saw and you took this?

The look on CW’s face suggested that I just leave this one alone.  I’m hitting the FF button here as the next several minutes were filled with a lot of swearing.

Me: Ok, you have about 5 more minutes to wrap this up before I go inside, grab your ipad and resume my Walking Dead marathon.

CW: fine, I’m going to get the electric saw.

Me: it takes a handsome, amazing man to admit defeat in the face of the perfect Christmas tree!

CW: I’m not defeated.  I've seen how you are with electronics, I don’t want you touching my ipad.

At the risk of every t.v., dvd player, computer, and every other electronic I own, I don't have problems with electronics.  Seriously, I'm cool with electronics.  It's appliances I don't get along with...but I digress...

 

I Hate New Year's With a MF Passion!!!!

Yes, this is only October- but that means it's only 2- months away from the end of December.  :/
While I try to embrace all of the positive in my life- New Year's Eve embodies the fact that I have failed in every relationship that I have had with a boy in my life.  I can't help but approach New Year's Eve- daunting on the horizon- with a heavy heart.  I have spent many a New Year's alone and frustrated.  I've dreamed of sharing that perfect Hollywood moment with someone who is the universal answer to my heart.  He will be by my side during the countdown- and we will have the *sparks flying everywhere* kiss that promises every dream is possible in the year to come. 
The main focus in my life currently is to become a whole "me" and to acknowledge and appreciate all of the blessings in my life.  At one year + after my divorce, I am frustrated by how far I still need to go.  I still have nightmares about my Ex.  I still shake my angry fists at the Divine for not giving me a life where I am both a Wife and a Mom - Fat, not so fat, dumb and happy.  My need to have someone "complete" me is the same reason that I am avoiding any possible current relationship like the MF plague!!!!!

Yes, I may be a therapist's wet dream come true- but given enough wine, this my soul typed out on this page with no regrets...

First off, I applaud anyone who has been through the sheer hell that is divorce and has had enough hope to try again.  Maybe you are on your second, third, fourth marriage- where as society might shun you- I absolutely applaud you- you held on to the dream no matter what.  This has no reflection on how holy you deem the sacrament of marriage as being- only to the fact that you've agreed to the terms repeatedly- whole-heartedly- and if it be for an hour, a week, a lifetime- you were 100% on board with honoring your vows- pending that your life partner was willing to do the same. 

We grow and change from every relationship in our lives.  I feel that it's what they are there for.  Whether that spark is true love or true lust- only time will tell.  I have since "survived" Samhain (Halloween) and Thanksgiving this year without going ever-loving-Banshee on my family.  Honestly, this is a huge frigging step!

Maybe someday I will think about me in a future relationship without cringing.  For right now, I am all shades of grateful for the Good Twin- and how she completes me emotionally- and for the love and support from my family and friends. 

These current holidays have been so much easier- and I have high hopes of creating positive future ones with my own traditions!

A True Friend Loves You Through *Crickets*

You may be thinking "What the heck is *crickets* ????

*crickets* my friend is the bane of all existence....   Seriously!

They used to say "The opposite of love is hate" but now they know that the opposite of love isn't hate, it's apathy.  Whether you love with your entire being or hate with the passion of a thousand burning suns- either is a pretty intense emotion.  It's possible to love someone that you like no so much- and maybe the like not so much part can border on some serious hate.  So, in conclusion- we are all some incredibly intense yet messed up beings.  And besides all of that, the opposite of intense emotion is the complete absence of emotion.  (No, I'm not a doctor, or even a college grad- but please feel free to pay me anyway and I will so listen to you talk about your Mom!!!)
*Cough cough* 

(BTW- these therapy sessions apply in no way, shape or form to Maria- in fact, this is my chance to give a special shout out to the Good Twin's Mom!!!  I love you, my Almost Serrogant Mother!!! 
Yes, you did not birth, raise, or influence my growing up time in any way, shape or form but the fact that you would not shed a tear if the Universe decided to smite my Ex for being on the same, WTH?  A-hole level of your own ex-son-in-law, that speaks volumes of the ultimate love and dedication!  That and your picnic table squirrel feeder are two reasons why I love you intensely!  Not to mention you are an amazing Grandma to the Minions, and the fact that the Good Twin kicks a** on so many levels :)   *BTW- if the Good Twin slights you in any way- my affection can also be bought with sparkling water*

And for anyone reading this who just said *kiss a$$!!!*  Maria is not only the Birth Mom of my Emotional Soul Mate/Better Half, she's also a survivor of divorce!  So yes!  Cower in the corner, you judgmental person you!  And BTW, no sparkling water for you!  Or coupons, or magnetic bag clips!!!!

So getting back to *crickets* - humor is an unstable beast.  Sometimes you strike gold to the point where even Jerry Seinfield himself is ready to finance a line of greeting cards in your honor...
And sometimes you get *crickets*
*crickets* means that your awesomeness just bombed on every level imaginable.  You're not enlisting hate my friend, you are on the express train to full on apathy.  Either it was the odd night, where every single person affected by your brilliance was busy washing their hair at the exact same time- and therefore could not type the accolades to your obvious brilliance of a decade- or you are standing up on the stage alone, and listening to the crickets serenading your demise... in stereo....
(BTW- I hate *crickets* with the intensity of a thousand burning suns...)

So, in summery, unless you are Jenny Lawson @thebloggess.com , I'm assuming you will experience *crickets* at least once during your existence.  This in no way, shape or form deems you a failure in making others laugh.  Sometimes our absolute brilliance does not translate well to others.  If you fear you are misinterpreted by others- give Good Twin or I a shout- we promise honest feedback or that well needed cyber shoulder rub that tells you that yes, you are hysterical- and to keep on typing!!!!

I love that you wrote this!  I regret that I was sleeping when you posted it but lmao, I completely concur! *crickets* suck, especially when you write an awesome blog entry about the zombie apocalypse and your best friend never says a word.  Nor does she acknowledge the suffering and pain she caused  you because she wanted to do her civic duty!! But I digress...I, like the Evil Twin, am always happy to listen and brainstorm with other writers (please be warned that if you ask me a question, I'll give you an honest answer)

My new book is going to be called "My Mom, My Sparkling Water Dealer"!!  And that squirrel feeder thingy was effed up and just plain evil!! I'll be laughing my ass off some more when she gives you a pet spider!

The Perfect Christmas Tree Part 1

CW and I went out to the country to cut down our own Christmas tree, much to the chagrin of the Evil Twin.

ET: Why are you committing arborcide?
Me: So I can decorate the corpse with meaningless baubles to the joy and squee of my minions.
ET: *sigh*
Me: Now you sound like CW.  I'm troubled.
ET: Now I am too!  Seriously, I like my trees like I like my men, fake and collapsible for easy storage.
Me: I like my trees like my men too.  Real and something I can kick to the curb when it no longer pleases me.
ET: Run CW, RUN!!!

But I digress...let me take you to the farm.  It was beautiful!! Fields of every pine tree you could imagine, quaint little farm buildings, fresh country air.  Anyone who knows me, knows this is where I'm truly home! And besides growing their own Christmas trees, they make their own honey!!!  I spent a joyous few minutes tasting honeys infused with vanilla, maple, lemon thyme, mint, and winter spice.  All the while I tried to imagine what they would taste like in my Paris crack tea...

The farm is in the mountains.  It's very cold and windy in the mountains in late November.  Even with my love of fresh, brisk air, I'll admit it, it was cold!  This farm has a lot of already cut trees and then the fields of "do it yourself" not cut trees.  I should interject here that CW is CDO about all of the things I'm not CDO about.  E.g., he doesn't understand why I say "CDO" instead of "OCD".  He doesn't care that "OCD" is not in alphabetical order.  On the flip side, he has to have the perfect Christmas tree.  It has to look perfect, smell perfect, be the perfect height, etc... I just want one that gives me a warm fuzzy as I walk past it.  Again, I digress...

So, we're in the Christmas tree "cut it your damn self" field, in the mountains, where it's cold and windy and there is something wrong with every last tree that gives me a warm fuzzy

CW: there's too many branches on the left side.  That one's too tall, that one's too short, that one's too green...this one's the wrong green...

Then we passed by one and something in it was squeaking

Me: Oh, CW, we have to get this one!! It comes with it's own critter!!
CW: what are you talking about?
Me: listen

Whether he heard the squeaking or not, I don't know.  He just shook his head and walked away.  It was so cold on the mountain, and since my desire to keep my hands in my pockets was stronger than my desire to search the tree, I have no idea what critter was making that squeak.

A few minutes later I found the close to perfect Christmas tree (I say close to perfect because it didn't have critters living in it)

Me: CW, this is it!! This is our tree!!
CW: it's kind of short *looking skeptical* what makes you say that?
Me: look at the mini pine cones!! This one comes with mini pine cones!! I know it's not a furry little critter but mini pine cones!!!

At this point, CW decided he no longer wanted to cut down our Christmas tree.  We returned to the pre-cut area where he selected a very tall, very fragrant, very sensible Frasier fur.

This isn't it.  We are still welcoming our tree to it's very last home.  This is our tree's twin sister, Fortunate Fir

OK- obvious *clouds parting on the glorious beauty that is the OMG the most perfect tree EVER!!!!- *cough cough* or equally as all shades of awesome tree's equally as awesome twin brother?
Where is the picture of said perfect Harmony of branches to the left and the right to the point where CW actually approves?????  *Evil Twin head shake on the fact that he was willing to forfeit on the unknown OMG FREE CRITTERS TREE!!!*
(Please note that the Evil Twin is there by your side through creatures known and unknown, through the random rabies shots bestowed upon the Awesome that is the Minions!!!)

Pictures needed ASAP- as you know- because I can't keep a secret from you to save my soul- I bought you the most glorious Jenny Lawson: Knock Knock MOFO! ornament ever!!!! Which was meant to grace the most glorious of all that is awesome fake tree-
But since you are dead set on your aborciding ways, I must settle for a pic of equal branches to the left and to the right said wonder tree of yours- before I deem it worthy of said Jenny Lawson- I would almost get a rooster tattoo but that's why I'm also on meds said glory!!!!

Tiara Wars

The Evil Twin was going through her separation/divorce as I was going through the process of getting a protective order against my ex-husband and adjusting to "normal" life.  I think the Evil Twin and I married twin sons born of different mothers.  They both give new definition to the term "hEX".

I have always loved E.T.'s sense of humor.  It's snarky! And she really helped me learn to laugh at the craziness during this horrible time in my life.  One way she accomplished this was by inventing the Tiara Wars.  She still had the tiara from her wedding.  We decided that this tiara should be bestowed on the Twin whose hEX was being the most rotten.  We had a good 6 months of trading that tiara back and forth every other day.  Rev. hEX decided to become a Reverend to avoid paying taxes, I had to give up the tiara.  Then my demon hEX married a woman he'd met online,who he had known for 6 months and who lived in Iowa. That one actually bought me the tiara for quite some time.

As more friends came to us with horror stories of their separation/divorce, the contestant list for the coveted Tiara grew at a frightning pace. It may sound childish, but again, it made me laugh during a horrible time. Some of the crazy the demon hEX pulled made me feel all levels of WTF? And when E.T. would call me up and say "hand over the tiara good twin, you're not going to believe this..." I laughed and felt less alone.

The Good Twin has captured the essence of the "Tiara Wars" and then some!!!
OMG, what to add?  First off, after my dreams of Happily Ever After ended quite bitterly- I was weeding through my possessions after the agonizing split- one of the things I felt emotionally fueled to hang on to was the tiara from my wedding.  Yes, it's beautiful, it's sparkling, it encompasses every Bride's dream of the "Happily Ever After" 
Leaving the Ex, I couldn't take the antique server I was given from my Grandmother- because my beloved Minion 2.0 still used it as his place to store his keys.  The fact that I was leaving my home and moving into a bedroom at my Parents' house- pushed the envelope of "take only what you need" which is an especially devastating concept to a Taurus.  We emotionally bond to inanimate objects- that's just how we are.  It's not the dollar value of said objects, just how they make us feel. 
So- moving into the closet sized bedroom that what was to become my existence- I made sure that my wedding tiara was placed front and center- an everyday reminder to be careful what you wish for.  It wasn't until the Good Twin taught me how to laugh again- that I looked to the tiara as the ultimate "Ms. Ex Married USA Pageant"  We were both two overly-damaged women trying to free ourselves from the drama cycle- and what better way to free yourself from an over dose of bitter- than to make it a contest?  My Ex had issues extraordinaire - her ex had issues extraordinaire- instead of responding on an anxiety fueled level to things we couldn't control or comprehend- we learned to laugh and grow from the Jerry Springer that was our Exes' life.  We were two soldiers in arms- daring our Exes to out compete themselves for the coveted "Tiara!!!"