When you are the child of divorced parents, you learn very
quickly how to manipulate...errr, motivate your parents. Massage them to your way of thinking, if you will. Granted
I was like 30 when my parents separated, but Minion 1 was 4 when her parents
separated and she is a pro…at attempting this.
It’s like this magic thing that happens to you when your parents
separate. Sure, you now have to divide
up holidays but you get so much more bank for your buck.
Example:
Me: Hey Mom, did I tell you that Dad got Minion 1and Minion
2 new bikes for Christmas?
Mom gave the kids a laptop that year. I’m happy because I didn’t have to pay for any
of it!! (although it’s probably on the list of things I’ll be burning in hell
for…but I digress…)
I notice my minions trying this:
Minion 1: at Dad’s house we’re allowed to eat hot Cheetos
and candy!
Me: Really? Well let’s get your dad on the phone and explain
to him how much money I spend on your teeth because of the candy. We’ll also
explain to him how horribly unhealthy hot Cheetos are and…
Minion 1: I’ll just tell him I’m not allowed to eat those
things next time I’m there.
Me: that’s a good idea
Or
Minion 2: I’m allowed to play wii for as long as I want at
Dad’s house.
Me: Really? Let’s get
your dad on the phone and talk about the importance of reading and homework
over wii time…
Minion 2: fine, I’ll go read.
What I’ve learned in recent years is I deal with my kids a
lot like how I deal with my parents.
Observe:
Me:
Minion 1, please vacuum
Minion
1: I don’t want to.
Me:
fine, I’ll have Minion 2 do it.
Minion
1: no, no, no, it’s my chore. I’ll do it!
*GT
sits back and enjoys the sweet sounds of someone else vacuuming!!*
Much like the tactics that work on Mom don’t work on Dad
(and vice versa), this maneuver does not work on Minion 2. He actively
tries to get Minion 1 to do his chores. Motivating Minion 2 is more like
this:
Me:
Minion 2, go do the laundry
Minion
2: I don’t want to.
Me:
fine but the laundry will get piled so high in the basement you will no longer
be able to get to the wii.
Minion
2: do you want the laundry done with or without fabric softener?
*sure,
many GT “dry clean only” clothes have had to be sacrificed but not only do I no
longer do laundry, I get to shop for new clothes!!*
My point being (yes, there is one) when you are going
through divorce and learning to be a single parent, and trying to get along
with “he who must not be named”, you may not notice the subtle ways that your
kids will try to manipulate you. Plus,
you want to be the fun one. This is one
of the most frustrating things about being the custodial parent. You are now the sole disciplinarian. They go to dad’s house for 36 hours, they
play games, they eat junk, they stay up late.
Then they come home and for the next 12 days you have to make them do
their homework, wash behind their ears, snack on fruit…it sucks ass! Seriously! Do you know why we go to Disney
once a year? Because for those brief few
days, I get to be the fun parent. I get
to enjoy my minions without the bounds of having to raise them to be decent, responsible human beings. We can just be as three people
enjoying their time together in a magical place that doesn’t require me to send
them to school on time. Oh look, I’ve digressed again.
As you are grieving, adjusting, learning, be on the look out
for the subtle ways you are allowing yourself to be manipulated (by the kids,
not the ex…although look out for the ex too).
It’s normal to want to over compensate for Dad being gone. It’s normal to want to be the fun
parent. It’s normal to want to feel
loved after such a big blow as losing your marriage. But you won’t do your kids any favors by giving
in. If they are going to survive as
adults, they need to learn to survive on their own strengths. Besides
exhausting yourself, they won’t grow their own wings if you are running around
doing damage control for everything that goes wrong in their world. Just sayin’
Regardless, at least know that these little motivators can work
both ways. Seriously, I haven’t swiffered
the floor in months!
