Friday, October 26, 2012

All I want for Christmas is a new dishwasher...

The last few days I've had all sorts of inappropriate thoughts that while they were very amusing at the time, I'm sure they're going to cost me my dishwasher.  Here are the highlights...

It all started when Minion 1 was invited to a birthday/slumber party next week.  I don’t know this family, I’ve seen both mom and dad in passing but I’ve barely exchanged 5 words with them.  I told Minion 1 that she could go to the party but she can’t sleep over (I have a feeling we’re not done discussing this yet…but I digress).  So I pulled up a map to see exactly where these people live.  Turns out they live in the VERY nice section of town.  I was looking at these big, beautiful houses and I actually felt a twinge of jealousy “Damn! This is the house I could have had if I’d married someone good!”  Doh! But if I didn’t marry the demon I wouldn’t have Minion 1 and Minion 2 who are way, way better than a big, pretty, new house with a working dishwasher! 

Thursday was one of those days at work that prove it’s a good thing I keep so many pictures of my kids hanging around my office.  Every time I stood up to leave while shouting “take this job and shove it where the sun don't shine!” I'd see Minion 2’s little face “aww, he likes to eat” or Minion 1’s little face “aww, she likes Justice clothes”.  So I sat my ass back down and continued to suck it!  Of course, this was also the day of our quarterly staff meeting.  Which reminded me of all the comments I meant to put in the suggestion box…both constructive and obscene…Doh!!  To recap the 30 minutes of my life I’ll never get back:

We’re able to wear Halloween costumes next week.  While we were being told the rules of the Halloween costume to work event, I whispered to the poor soul who sat next to me:

Me: Are you dressing up for this?
Poor Soul: Yes!!
Me: as what?
PS: I’m a witch!
Me: No, I mean what is your costume going to be?


PS: well what are you going to be?
Me: an athlete
PS: that’s stupid!
Me: yeah well, while you’re wearing itchy witch tights and uncomfortable high heels, I’ll be in sweat pants and sneakers so nah! (and I stuck my tongue out at her)

Double DOH!

The meeting continues, now we are being told about our new parking passes which will be issued to us on Friday and our cars will be towed if we don’t display the passes.

PS: Good.  Maybe those jerks next door will stop parking in our garage.
Me: I’ve already rented my pass to one of those jerks for $50/month. 
PS: why would you do that?
Me: I need money for new Legos.


The meeting continues, now we are being warned that a hurricane is expected as early as Monday and we should all do our best to clear our dockets as soon as possible since we don’t know what the power supply will be like.

Me: umm, yeah! A hurricane is approaching that is being compared to the Perfect Storm of England and they think I’ll worry about my docket. Sure, right!
PS: it’s your job to worry about your docket!
Me: if they wanted me to worry about my docket during storms that are likened to the Perfect Storm of England, they should pay me more money (which was actually one of my suggestions that never made it to the box!!)

The meeting continues, now they are announcing the employee of the quarter and it turns out to be none other than my favorite big sister, Aunt Bes!!!  Aunt Bes is on leave for the next 5 weeks as she had shoulder surgery yesterday.  I grab my phone and begin texting:

Me: You’ve won employee of the quarter!!! Congratulations!!!! Can I have the parking spot until you return to work? Which reminds me, how'd the surgery go?

The crème de la crème of this week, Wednesday was my ex mother in law’s 85th birthday!! I emailed the demon hEX thinking he may want to celebrate with her and the kids. He responded that he wasn’t going to be able to drive the whole hour to see her on her birthday but I could take the kids by if I wanted to.  (Dishwasher gasped for breath as I thought “Backyard Grill won’t hold over the happy hour special for you so you can visit your mother on her 85th birthday? Maybe you should pledge allegiance to a new bar”) 

Since I firmly believe that no one should be alone on their birthday, particularly a milestone birthday like 85, and because it matters to my minions to celebrate with their grandmother on her birthday, and further because I’m not an ass (at least not over things like this) the minions and I brought over flowers and desserts and frankly, we had an awesome evening!! My mother in law was so happy and we just had a good time!

*proud as a peacock parent moment* Minion 1 suffered a HUGE disappointment at school on Wednesday.  She was in absolute tears all the way over to her grandmother’s house.  We arrived and she dried her face, took a deep breath, put on her prettiest smile and did everything she could to make sure that her grandmother had an awesome birthday!  She cried more that night as I put her to bed but to watch her make a big deal about her grandmother’s 85th birthday, even though her precious little heart was hurting and raw was just WOW! My cup runneth over!!

And when I shared this story with the demon hEX, he responded with “SO proud of her, and thank you thank you thank you again!!! It made mom’s day. :)” which for some reason pissed in my cornflakes and made me want to respond with “I’m sure your mother would have preferred to see her son on her 85th birthday instead of one of her ex-daughter in laws but if this is her last birthday on Earth at least she will die with the comfort of knowing that her grandchildren won't grow up to be assholes like their father”

All I want for Christmas is a new dishwasher.


Tuesday, October 23, 2012

Zombie Apocalypse

CW and the Evil Twin are both huge Walking Dead fans.  I have succumbed to the peer pressure and I’ve watched the last two episodes.  I admit that it is an entertaining show, it did give me something to do while putting together my Lego Vampyre Castle.  And while Murphy is amazing to look at no matter what, I liked it much better when he was killing mobsters, but I digress. 

I spent the better part of yesterday morning thinking about how horrible and unfair it is to be a zombie.  Can you imagine?  You die, like…you’re dead…which just sucks!  But instead of being able to rest, your body is turned into a dumb, brain eating, thing…which is ironic in and of itself.  You feed off of brains yet you’re stupid.  And your only relief from this plight is to be murdered, i.e., to die…AGAIN!  It just seems so grossly unfair!  *shaking head*  

So, last night I dreamt that I was in the vampire Matthew’s Lodge, but it looked like the inside of my Lego Vampyre Castle.  Except that I had to add a bathroom with a stand up shower and a soaking tub.  I gotta have a soaking tub.  And I was in the soaking tub, surrounded by lots of rosemary and mint smelling bubbles when CW bursts into the bathroom holding a bunch of long, metal, brown…sticks…and yelling for me to get out of the tub because the zombies are coming and I need to help him defeat them!!

Me:  You’re not allowed in here.  You don’t believe in Vampires and you don’t think castles are fun.  OUT!! Out of my vampire castle!
CW: They're going to eat our brains! We have to defend our castle.  For God sakes woman, get out of the tub!!
Me: This is my castle and there are no zombies coming.  Plus, I have a moat.
CW: Since when?
Me: Since now, I just imagined one around the castle.  That’s the beauty of GoodTwinLand dreams.  I can make them anything I want!
CW: Good Twin, the zombies are coming!! We have to kill them!! Isn’t this what you’ve been training for?
Me: To kill zombies? Ah, no.  *sigh* Just leave the zombies be.  They’re dead for crying out loud!

Then I woke up and had to immediately text CW.  Thank goodness he doesn’t seem to mind getting crazy text messages in the middle of the night!

I finally went back to sleep and had an uneventful rest of the night.  I got up this morning to exercise, as though nothing happened.  In the exercise video, Tony Horton every so often tells me to check my heart rate, which I do.  I don’t have a heart rate monitor though.  I can’t afford one since I bought the p90X and all the crap that goes with it.  But I do know how to check my own heart rate! (and my Dad said taking that aerobics class in college was a waste of credits!!)  So Tony Horton tells me to check my heart rate and when I try to, I can’t find my pulse!! I can’t find it anywhere! I begin to frantically search my wrist, my neck, and my chest for my heartbeat and suddenly I think “Oh, shit! Did the zombies actually get me last night? How am I going to explain this to the Evil Twin??”

Anywho, here's the Vampyre Castle, cool huh? If you look to the left you can see the dungeon I built for the Evil Twin, complete with a mummified Prince! You're welcome E.T.!
Good Twin's Lego Vampyre Castle

Wednesday, October 17, 2012

Why I should never be left to my own devices

So the Evil Twin is serving jury duty today.  CW is in meetings about some stupid server thingy.  I’ve been left to my own devices.

I ordered the new Nook HD the other day!! *whoohooo*  I haven’t liked any of the covers for the Nook HD.  The one I could live with, ET vetoed as it has a bird on it.

 Artist's Dreams Stand in Purple

Clearly, she was not impressed by the pretty purple and the castle on the front.  
Artist's Dreams Stand in Purple

I love her anyway!  

CW is upset.  Apparently the Nook HD was going to be my Christmas present and I accidentally beat him to the punch.

Having no one to play with today, I was on the B&N website looking for Nook HD covers when I found this one:
Lautner Cover in Chocolate

SCORE!!!!! I like it!! DOUBLE SCORE, I have a B&N 20% off coupon!  I had to order it quick, before the Evil Twin gets out of court and vetoes this!  When I got the confirmation for my purchase, I noticed this:

Suitable for NOOK HD+ only

Frack!! I bought the Nook HD, not the Nook HD+! Now I have to return this cover and continue the exhausting search.  I blame CW for my naked Nook HD.  He’s been too busy trying to find a Christmas present for me to be any help with the Nook HD cover quest. *note, how can I make the Nook HD cover quest into a video game ‘cause that would be cool*

Having decided that the planets are not in proper alignment for me to do any shopping today, there wasn't much left to do but work.  I was happily typing away at my desk when I heard a very low, rather sinister voice saying “Good Twin” hiss hiss “Good Twin”.  It kind of sounded like the voice in the Ghostbusters movie when the pencil neck geek shuts down the ghost capacitor and all the ghosts escaped into New York City.  So I’m frantically searching all over my area trying to find the source of the evil voice when my eyes fall on Gus

Gus is my little squirrel that my wonderful Beach Lady friend gave to me to help me get over my fear of squirrels.  She probably shouldn't have left him on my chair.  Imagine pulling your chair out to take a seat and finding something that terrifies you waiting...patiently.  I was chuckling over my first meeting with Gus when suddenly, his furry little mouth started moving “Good Twin, Good Twin”.  This is very weird as Gus has never spoken to me before.

Me: Gus, this is very weird.  You’ve never spoken to me before.
Gus: Good Twin
Me: That's my name, don't wear it out!
Gus: Gooooooood Twwwwwiiiiiiiinnnnnn
Me: Don’t you have anything else to say?
Gus: Good Twin
Me: Do you want a cookie?  It’s got peanuts in it!
Gus: Good Twin
Me: Well, if that’s all you are going to say then I’m not speaking to you anymore!
Mail guy from 3 (here to deliver my mail): Ummm...Good Twin…who are you talking to?
(I’m expecting a call from HR any minute)

I blame the Evil Twin.  If she wasn't off doing her civic duty, she would be entertaining me and I wouldn't notice any voices outside of my head. Besides, anything that involves furry creatures talking to me has to be her doing anyway.

And yes, that is a flying monkey back there.  His name is Chopper.  He likes to sik balls.