Friday, December 28, 2012

Happy Holidays!

And a Happy New Year!!

If this is your first or second Christmas after the split, it won't always feel like this.  You will once again love the holidays.  It does start with you though.  Focus on the things that you love about the holiday season.  I love cookies.  I started having Christmas cookie parties.  I suppose this advice is a little late...I apologize...I've been wrapping presents and making cookies!

In any event, Enjoy!! xoxoxo

Monday, December 17, 2012

What I will remember...

I'm at a loss of words right now.  My heart is aching.  I have spent the last 3 days bursting into tears for no apparent reason. I have had to have conversations with my children over the last few days that I shouldn't be having with them at their tender ages.  I have to teach my children that being brave is going forward when you are scared.  "It's not bravery if you're not scared".  I dropped my kids off at school this morning and cried all the way to work.  For the first time in my life, I'd rather be a coward.  I want to be a coward.  I want to hide my children in GoodTwinLand forever.  I know I owe them better than that. So I mustered every last ounce of courage I have and I sent my children to school today.

Again, I have no words.  Only prayers.  And my promise that this is what I will remember:

Charlotte Bacon, 2/22/06, female (age 6)
Daniel Barden, 9/25/05, male (age 7)
Olivia Engel, 7/18/06, female (age 6)
Josephine Gay, 12/11/05, female (age 7)
Ana M. Marquez-Greene, 04/04/06, female (age 6)
Dylan Hockley, 03/08/06, male (age 6)
Madeleine F. Hsu, 07/10/06, female (age 6)
Catherine V. Hubbard, 06/08/06, female (age 6)
Chase Kowalski, 10/31/05, male (age 7)
Jesse Lewis, 06/30/06, male (age 6)
James Mattioli, 03/22/06, male (age 6)
Grace McDonnell, 11/04/05, female (age 7)
Emilie Parker, 05/12/06, female (age 6)
Jack Pinto, 05/06/06, male (age 6)
Noah Pozner, 11/20/06, male (age 6)
Caroline Previdi, 09/07/06, female (age 6)
Jessica Rekos, 05/10/06, female (age 6)
Avielle Richman, 10/17/06, female (age 6)
Benjamin Wheeler, 9/12/06, male (age 6)
Allison N. Wyatt, 07/03/06, female (age 6)
Rachel Davino, 7/17/83, female (age 29)
Dawn Hochsprung, 06/28/65, female (age 47)
Anne Marie Murphy, 07/25/60, female (age 52)
Lauren Russeau, 1982, female (age 29)
Mary Sherlach, 02/11/56, female (age 56)
Victoria Soto, 11/04/85, female (age 27)

Just as I remember:

And I remember:

Thursday, December 13, 2012

2012 Has Been An @sshole Year!

Thank Gods it's almost in the rear view :/

That being said, I am so excited about 2013 and it needs to be here now!

2012 was a major growth spurt for me.  It was painful, humiliating, frustrating, un-fit in my jeans-friendly.  *DH* made way too many guest appearances and there were way too many next mornings of "Oh Dear Gods, what did she type now?"  And quite a few "Yes, I love you!  Now GO TO BED!!!" texts from the Good Twin.
I didn't visit the Good Twin and the Minions nearly enough.  I spent most of this year trying to find myself, trying to figure out what the heck happened in the last 12 years of my life, getting drunk enough to type about painful stuff, learning to forgive, learning how to be angry, learning how to say no to Doritos and McDonald's CBO Angus... (the last one is still a work in progress)

It was the ultimate suck-fest of a year.

Not to say it didn't have it's awesome moments too.  Even though we weren't in the same zip code for most of it- this year was an epic one in the Good Twin/Evil Twin friendship.  A great friend is by your side through the good and bad.  An awesome friend is someone who's willing to give you the space you need while being there to cheer you on in the rare moments you poke your head out of hiding.  Her patience, love and humor were a Gods' send!

This is the first time in the history of being Me, that I am happy and grateful to be single.  And not as that "broken Divorced Woman who's happy that she's smart enough not to get involved with anyone" it's because I have grown through so many of my relationship issues and I'm finally happy and whole as Me.  Am I still a work in progress?  Absolutely. But I am loving the fact that I'm able to put myself front and center in my life and really carve out who I am and who I want to be.  The People I love tell me that I'm awesome and I'm glad I took the time to find out what the fuss was all about ;)

Wednesday, December 12, 2012

The Perfect Christmas Tree: Part III

We had an artificial Christmas tree when I was growing up.  It was perfect! It was the perfect size at 7 ft tall. It was perfectly shaped like a beautiful green, upside down ice cream cone!  Every year my brother and I enjoyed every minute of decorating our perfect tree, right down to the angel on top! Oh, how we would squeal with delight, imagining all the presents that would soon cover the space beneath the tree!  We would bask in the memories that each ornament held as we placed them on our beloved tree!  I have such wonderful memories of decorating our perfect Christmas tree with my family!

You can imagine my excitement when I purchased the Christmas tree that my daughter would grow up with! She was 16 months old and I selected a beautifully shaped, 7 ft tall, pre-lit tree!  I was beyond excited as we set up the tree and began decorating.  My beautiful baby girl marveled at this tall tree with all the sparkly lights! It was a great evening! As I regaled my parents with the story of how I got such a great pre-lit tree for such a great price, my mother commented:

Ma:  That’s not a great deal, I got our tree for $20!!!!
Me: Yaw, back in like 1980! Plus, mine is pre-lit! I don’t have to deal with lights.
Ma: Ours is just as pretty and only cost us $20!!!!
Dad: that’s because the tree was hot!
Me: (whipping my head around to face Dad) WHAT??
Dad: yeah, you didn’t know that? Remember the day she came home all excited about how she got this great tree for $20? From some guy selling stuff out of his VW micro-bus in the parking lot of the Dart Drug?
Ma: It wasn’t hot, I paid for it!
Dad: yeah, and do you think THEY paid for the tree? Don’t think so!
Me: (total shock and disbelief) Christmas was hot!?!
Demon hEX: hey Maria, did they charge you sales tax on that?
Me: Christmas was hot!?!
Dad: not all of it Sweets, just the tree!

*can open, worms everywhere*

Now, without further adieu, I’d like to share with you the perfect Christmas Tree of 2012! A perfectly shaped, wonderfully smelling Frasier Fur, lovingly selected by CW, and beautifully decorated by Minions 1 and 2! 

The Perfect Christmas Tree 2012
*please note the farm owner received full proceeds for the exchange of this tree*


Sunday, December 9, 2012

*Bat Bat Run*

So usually after an all-nighter of true brilliance where I have no sleep- yet it's totally worth it as the ideas constantly pinging around in my head like gradeschoolers on Red Bull- are finally typed out- and I can sit back and have those five minutes of OMG FREEDOM!!!!
(before I resume filling my head with the new gradeschoolers on Red Bull- but I digress.)

Any who, sometimes those G on RB b@stards have play dates with my morning brain- which makes the drive into work all the more challenging.  First off, I can't type and drive.  Secondly, this is the bleakest part of my everyday existence as it's me before coffee.   *shudders*
Yes, I have a functioning coffee maker at home- but sadly I need a major incentive to get myself to go to work everyday.  I get up and make myself quasi function because the light at the end of that dark, dark tunnel promises coffee.  Lots and lots of free caffeinated bliss. 

So this morning's *Dances with G on RB b@stards* edition focused on my less than successful approach to conflict solving.  I can sum this up as *Bat Bat Run!*

OK Picture this- you're a cat that has stumbled upon a half-dead mouse which could possibly be the greatest thing ever!  Or it may just chew your face off.  Seriously, it could go either way.  You know it's there- you know it's supposed to be doing something- yet it's not.  It's.. just.. sitting.. there...  Since neither cats nor Evil Twins are blessed in the patience department- you realize that you actually have to touch said *might be the greatest-or it may efffing kill me dead* thing.  It ain't going anywhere without some kind of action on your part...

So, creeping up slowly- you extend your paw as far as it can physically go from your body, keeping the maximum distance between you and possible win or fail- and
(back up to a safer distance and wait for the magic to unfold!)
still waiting....
Oh eff!  WHY WON'T YOU MOVE????
Retry the creeping up slowly maneuver- again, extending your paw like you're frigging Gumby and
Only before you've had a moment to blink- IT FRIGGING MOVED!!!!!
*OMG RUN!!!*
I'm not a coward, I just enjoy having a face.
So in summary:

The greatest thing about this besides the fact that you get to keep your face is that once you've batted the thing whatever magical number of times required, it frigging dies! 
So yes, *bat bat run*  may not be the fastest way to resolve a conflict- but it's an eventual win, guaranteed. 
And as a wise author once reposted "Running from your fears is great for your hamstrings!"


Every so often the demon hEX does something that literally makes me drop to my knees, throw my arms in the air, and thank the good Lord above for the magic of "divorce"!! (please note - this is frowned upon in public places)  One of these moments of giving thanks came the other night.

Once I was finished saying my thanks...on my my driveway...(apparently this practice just alarms the neighbors but I digress) I was overwhelmed with anger.  Pure, unabridged, totally adulterated anger.  I thought of several completely rotten things that I was going put in motion just to humiliate that rotten son of a bitch.  Then I was reminded of something I learned in an Al-Anon meeting.


Simple, right?  Think.  Is my response to the  recent meanness of the demon hex


The first question I always ask myself "Is a response Necessary?" If I determine that a response is necessary, I begin formulating a response that is thoughtful, honest, intelligent, and kind.  At the end of the day, I am these qualities.  My actions should carry these qualities.  I'm not going to let HIS mean actions dictate how I behave. I'm going to THINK!

That's a really good point GT!!!!
While going Banshee on his evil @ss I'm sure would give instant satisfaction, sometimes you really have to look at "Is this even worth it to respond?"  Will your response wake his @ss up to reality and suddenly make him a worthy parent?  Probably not.  Will he take your reaction as a sign that you still care about him as he can still push your buttons and get an emotional response from you- probably.
I am calling this DGTFTS!  (Dont' Give That F*cker The Satisfaction)

Tuesday, December 4, 2012


Remember Thelma and Louise?   Well, Thelma is getting married!!! Again!!  She just told me.  Quiet little courthouse deal, later this month, big party afterwards.  “Yeah, that’s how I’d do it if I were ever stupid enough to try that again” I thought.  She is excited and scared.  “I’ve been through so much bullshit but this guys’ different.  He’s a sweetie” she told me.  “For now he is” I thought.  Now, I don’t know her fiance from Adam (nor have I ever completely understood that expression – I get it’s a way of saying “I have no idea who this guy is” but what if you actually do know Adam?  Do you know Bob? Or Steve? But I digress…) I’m sure he is a great guy and I doubt she’d be walking down the aisle again if she didn’t really feel in her heart that he is a good man.  Not only do I commend her for the leap of faith she is taking in this hope filled step of walking down the aisle after surviving a shitstorm, I’m rather envious of her ability to leap.

You all must know that while you are conversing with me in any way, at any time, there is a running commentary going on in my head of our conversation. Gladys Knight had the Pips, I have an internal play by play…don’t judge me!  Normally, my mental commentary is filled with inappropriate jokes.  However, in discussing Thelma’s upcoming nuptials, my internal commentary went cynical and sarcastic.  Thank the Lord for my super strong filter!

So I am breaking down my thoughts and feelings about marriage, after going through divorce.  The last several years I’ve thought that marriage is a great thing…for other people, you know, people who aren't me.  I flashed to a conversation the hEX and I had while we were married and had just learned that a friend was getting re-married.

Demon hEX: If we don’t make it, would you ever get married again?
Me: oh Hells no! I will never do this again!
Demon hEX: lol, if I had feelings that might hurt.
Me: What about you?
Demon hEX: You know, when your first marriage fails, it’s 50/50 as to whose to blame. But when your second marriage fails, you just need to face the fact that you probably aren’t marriage material.

Now, once wife 3.0 splits, I’m so going to start calling him Ross! In the 5 years that we have been separated, SEPARATED (we’ve only been divorced for 3 years), he has been engaged 2 times and married once.  And I think this is part of my problem.  My attitude when we got married was “this is the person I want to spend the rest of my life with”.  His attitude was more “I’ll hang out with you until I get bored”.  Frankly, I don’t want to risk another run in with that type of attitude.

Hindsight being 20/20, I can see all the signs I ignored.  At the time, I thought I was going to live happily ever after with him.  And when happily ever after with him failed, I created my own happily ever after.  GoodTwinLand is a wondrous, whimsical place! And it’s mine! Which leads the question of “how will I ever let someone completely into my life again?”   In building my own “happily ever after” I really didn’t leave any room for someone else.  I’ve become acutely aware of that as CW and I have grown closer. 

I’d like to hear your thoughts on this.  After surviving divorce, how do you build “happily ever after” with someone new?  How do you take that leap of faith to walk down the aisle again?  Something more than “he’s such a sweetie, he’s the right one” or “she just blew me away”.  Let’s dig a little deeper here ladies and gents, because the divorce rate is actually higher with 2nd marriages then it is with 1st marriages.

How do you learn to trust your own judgment after it failed you so miserably? How can you trust that you aren't ignoring signs now?

First off, major frigging kudos to the Good Twin for writing this!  As we attempt to deflect some of our emotional growing pains using humor - and trust me, we seriously crack up ourselves and each other like no tomorrow!!!  This is a subject very near and dear to our hearts.  We both believe in the sanctity of marriage- when we spoke our vows, we meant every single word- and not just because we were in a great situation at the time (aka awesome or occasional times of fantastic mind-blowing sex!  *sorry Maria!*)
We truly felt that the person standing next to us and echoing the same vows as us was meant to be by our side no matter what.  That this was some Universal plan unfolding and we were grateful to have found our soul mates and were excited about a life of growing and experiencing life together as a married couple.
Were there red flags?  Absolutely!  But marriage is about buckling down and plowing through them.  Yes, it's incredibly easy to shout "Uncle!" when things take a downward spiral that you weren't prepared for- but you were of sound mind and body when you spoke your vows before God(s) family and friends- and that meant "I believed every word I vowed to you- and I will do everything in my nature to uphold those vows!"
No matter how driven you are to live your vows- everyone has a hard stop embedded in them.  Most of the time you are completely oblvious to these hard stops on a deeper level.  For some, adultery is a 100% hard stop.  For others, you have weathered many storms and are willing to work through an adultery or two to uphold your wedding vows and get through a horrible decision or two.  For me, one of my hard stops was the vow "through sickness and in health"  I took this to mean physical sickness - but I never weighed in the level of mental sickness or chemical addiction it would take for me to cry "Uncle."  Had he'd been willing to admit or take steps to work through these issues- I would have been there by his side no matter what.  The fact that these were thrown into my face on a daily basis to the point where I was terrified that he wouldn't wake up the next morning- this became an intense hard stop for me.  I worried myself sick to the point where my Dr. had me on an anti-anxiety medication level that was borderline abusing the medication- just to try to cope.  It was like going to bed every night- seeing my Husband with a loaded gun in his mouth and praying that he was still alive when I woke up. 
Again- when saying "I do" you are taking a serious gamble on what those two words mean. 
You can't forseeable know what your limitations are until you are knee deep in that life defining situation.   
(Can you see why either of us might be a tad "panicky" over the thought of going through a marriage again?)
That being said, life is not a given- tomorrow is not a given.  There is no perfect recipe for obtaining a healthy marriage.  There are a lot of great guidlines and words of wisdom to consider, both Good Twin and I are all in favor of the healing power of therapy!  But the end result is that this is still a huge, potentially life-altering gamble! 
You pray that you have grown through your past mistakes.  You pray that you truly understand your hard stops- but in the end it's still a gamble into the unknown.  Yes, a healthy thriving marriage is worth it.  What you grow through with your Spouse can move mountains.  Currently, I am on the sidelines cheering on every positive relationship I have the happiness to encounter in my life.  Maybe someday I will meet that special person who is worth a trip to the altar.  And maybe I'll have the courage to make that trip.