Sunday, August 23, 2015

This Weekend Was an Asshole!

Were this weekend an actual person, there would be a large bag of flaming dog poop left on their front step and a smashed up mailbox.

I started the weekend getting over a really bad head cold- and then it went downhill from there.

I ended up reaching out to someone who is in the Ex From Hell's life because I felt this person should know that they weren't alone in what they were going through.  Although my intentions were good, this backfired on me big time.  I always thought that knowing the details of his infidelity would give me some sort of closure (mainly because he got off on lying to my face about it) and would support the fact that I wasn't being paranoid, my intuition was spot on.

It's the same "need to know" feeling you get when you hear that someone has died and you feel like it's important to find out how they died.  The "how" doesn't matter- nor does it make it any less suck that the person is dead.  There is no logic in a betrayal or a loss that someone justifies it in any sense of the word.

So yes, it's devastating to hear that not only was your Ex cheating on you- they were cheating with as many people as they could buy (prostitutes are cheaper overseas), and they were also planning to write a book about it with their stripper-obsessed loser friend.  (I did break down and send said loser friend a FB message about how much of an asshole he is.)  This is someone I knew, spent time with and even spent time on business travel with.  I'm sure he got off on it as much as my Ex did. 
I remember my Ex getting pissy every time Loser friend started having serious feelings about the current girl he was financing.  Turns out, that made the Ex go out of his way to bang all of Loser friend's girlfriends as well.  
(How's it feel to be the one getting stabbed in the back Loser?)

So it goes without saying that anything involving the Ex takes me back to a dark ugly place that I don't belong in.  As much as it hurt to hear the truth and as much as I cried for the dumbass Me that was trapped in a shitty marriage for eight years, I needed this.  I needed to see things as they are, to accept them and to leave them in the past where they belong.

The most important lesson I pulled from this fuckery of a weekend is that none of this was about me. 
I can't say I was hurt by the man I loved because I didn't love him, I didn't even know the real him.  I loved the person he painted himself to be until he couldn't hold up the fa├žade anymore.  He loved the person he pretended to be when he was with me and he loved the fact that he could peel that face off the minute he stepped out of the door.  I can't be hurt by the fact that he never loved me because he is incapable of love.  I think his inability to feel love or empathy was one of the main reasons he was a genius at manipulating others.  If you had any fraction of an insecurity- he could spot it from a mile away and twist it however he saw fit.  He could weave layers of deception like a goddamn spider and even highly intelligent people were totally conned by him.  If he had chosen to help instead of hurt people, he really could have made a positive difference in the world. 

~The Evil Twin

Monday, August 17, 2015

Grateful

In a surprise twist to my normal weekend stuff - I got to see my Stepson!!!!! 
OMG- he looks awesome and is such an incredible young man.  I want to text him nonstop now. I am so crazy-proud of him!


What surprised me most was not having the Divorce PTSD anxiety.  Seeing him and his Mom, Step-Dad and friends that I used to hang out with when I was married to Satan- I was just happy to see them and enjoyed my time there.  What freedom to be able to live in the moment without the ghost of the Ex's fuckery clouding everything.  It was just a fun night with good people. 


~ The Evil Twin











Friday, July 10, 2015

An open letter to my Ex (I'm finishing my drafts from forever ago)

This has been a long time coming.  You would think your current medical situation would absolve you from your sins but it has not.

I loved you more than life itself- your devotion to your children and dealing with a psycho Ex- sadly,  I never trusted my first impression of you- I labeled you a player and toxic.  Your devotion to your kids broke me down, the dandelion "flower" that your daughter mailed to you?  It spoke volumes about the man I thought you were.

Our courtship was always shadowed by the constant drama in your life, you had your entire family under your roof, your car had been impounded due to your drunken accident- and yet my dumbass drove you to your court mandated classes - I was never secure in myself enough to understand how much of a ticking time bomb you were.

I believed every lie out of your mouth.  How horrible and psychotic your EX was and how you bent over backwards to keep the peace.  No one in this universe was a better salesman than you, and you can go to your grave knowing that your ability to keep a friendship with your Ex and yet sow enough discord between us to make sure you were the Savior keeping us from ripping each other apart.  Well played!

When I told you I was divorcing you, the first words out of your mouth were "So I guess you and (Ex wife) are going to be friends now."  All the drama that hurt everyone was just a game to you.  You painted your Ex in the worst light possible because you lived to be the martyr.  You had everyone you could completely riled up before she even set foot in VA- and then lived for the drama of everyone trying to interact with her.

I am so grateful that your lies and poison did not cost her a life with her kids.  Was she perfect?  Oh hell no, but she did the best that she could with the resources she had at the time.  She also goes above and beyond with her grandkids.  She, like all of your victims - has a great heart and didn't deserve how your family loved her to her face and then stabbed her in the back.

Why did we shrink in fear of Bill collectors when you made 6 digits?  Was hooking up and playing the bar scene really worth your son and I going without heat and power while you were away?  Why did you denounce your daughter completely when she was going through something that we couldn't understand?  You brag on paying for her schooling - yet you couldn't be bothered to write one letter to her- yes, she was a difficult teenager to deal with- but nothing that she did made her unworthy of your love.

My step-children are the only amazing part of my marriage to you.  Solely because they were real.  They always knew where my heart was at.  I was at your daughter's graduation from boot camp and I was there when your son went under the knife for his deviated septum (which I also paid for)  It pisses me off that you were never there when your kids needed you the most.  You could blame business travel for work (you know that company who offered to pay for you to go to alcohol treatment?)  Your need for everyone to see you in the light you were currently painting yourself in- over road your "love" for your kids and wife every time.  You lied and twisted people into monsters just to make you look like the hero in every story. 

This is my last official middle finger in your direction expression of hate.  I'm getting off the bitter train now even though the level that you suck could have fed it fuel for the next couple of decades.

You were a horrible, painful and traumatic chunk of my life.  I don't forgive you, but I'm done with letting that hatred color everything in the awesome that is now my life.  I'm renting out that space you take up in my head to something that's truly worth it.  Your ability to hurt and manipulate others will die when you do and thank Gods for that.

~ The Evil Twin





Please Judge Me

This blog post was inspired by my niece (Former niece?  Niece when I was married Niece?  She'll never be my Ex-Niece or my Ex's Niece- she's way too awesome for that.) who wrote a powerful FB Status on not judging others by their looks.
This was my comment on her post:  It's human nature to judge others - everyone does it whether they admit to it or not. It does matter how other people look- but if other people's looks stop you from getting past that initial feeling of uneasiness - then it's time to look into the mirror and find out what the real issue is.

"Don't Judge" sounds great.  I wish I was all Zen when faced with a stimulus that makes me uneasy.  No matter how open-minded and loving I hope to become, I will always be human. "Only God Can Judge Me" - also sounds good in theory.  

Truth is- we are all biased.  Everything I see with my Heather eyes, gets transmitted to my Heather brain- and filtered through my Heather thoughts and affects my Heather feelings.  When I give advice or form an opinion- it comes from my own Heather experience of living in this reality and how I chose to Heather communicate it.  You know how when you want someone to just listen to you complain about something and then they go and turn it into an "I've been through that too- only here's why it was worse for me than you" conversation?  Why does EVERY conversation have to be about them???
*le sigh*
So we are all inner assholes of some degree.  We project our insecurities on the world around us and don't even realize we are doing it.  The reason that God shouldn't just smite us all and start over is that we also judge for good.  If you see an elderly woman struggling to cross the street and you stop to help her?  That's the judging side of you.  You looked at her and judged that she was in need of your help and you judged the situation to be your responsibility to act on that. 

"Don't Judge" = stop noticing that others exist around you.  What we really need is "Don't let your inner asshole stop you from getting to know the best parts in others.  It's OK to feel uncomfortable by what you see, but you'll get more out of life when you can work through that feeling and stop it from holding you back"  Which is a pretty crappy motto and a bit long for a tattoo.

So Please Judge Me!  Acknowledge my existence.  You can even give me not so nice labels like "weird" and "da fuck is that girl on?"  I'll pretend I'm too secure in myself to let your opinion hurt me.  I do care what others think of me because I am not a robot.  I am a hopelessly flawed human being who has moments of awesome.  I am also hysterically Heather funny and Heather witty ;)

~ The Evil Twin




Wednesday, July 8, 2015

Thank you Jimmy Carter (A religious rant)


(Quote copied from The Blaze online)

"I believe he would. I believe Jesus would. I don’t have any verse in scripture…” Carter responded when asked by HuffPo Live host Mark Lamont Hill whether Christ would embrace same-sex nuptials. “I believe that Jesus would approve of gay marriage, but I’m not – that’s just my own personal belief.”
The one-term Democratic president also said that he believes Jesus “would encourage … any love affair that was honest and sincere."

I personally take issue with People who blindly follow the Bible as the "absolute word of God." 
Yes, the Bible is the Word of God.  It is also the Word of God as translated by human ears/thoughts/opinions/biases (we all have them whether or not we chose to acknowledge them) and has been further translated so we can read it in English.  I find it sad that Carter did not have a specific bible passage that gave Jesus' irrefutable viewpoint on Gay Marriage.  I find it amazing that Carter was able to use his faith in Jesus to apply "W.W.J.D?" to an unfamiliar situation, and I feel he pretty much nailed it.  So how do you know which portions of the Bible are the absolute truth?  Technically, they are all a part of someone(s) truth.  Religion can't be taught from a book.  Religion can't be taught by Google. Religion can only be experienced through learning, relearning, questioning, feeling, relating, not relating.  If you feel something is an absolute truth- awesome!  Now question yourself- why it is an absolute truth?  Put it under a microscope.  Bounce it off other people and get their viewpoints.  Go to that dark ugly part of you and look at it through those eyes.  Be inspired by the words and faith of others, but also trust your brain and your heart to tell you what is your version of the truth.  Religion isn't a "one size fits most" kind of deal.  You have to own your own truth and viewpoint.   

~ the Evil Twin



 

Monday, July 6, 2015

OMGs Kimmy WHAT DID YOU STEAL????

So I have this sister Kimmy (paternal test pending) and she's pretty awesome at being my sister.  She's super-smart, fun to be with and she brings me food when she visits the Mothership so she's pretty much the greatest sister in the history of sisters.

She's also Kimpossibly cute and small and Ginger.  And up until this picture was taken with my nephew at his High School Graduation- I was pretty sure she didn't live a secret life of crime. 




Honestly, I was so happy to have this pic of two of my favorite people- that I didn't notice Kimmy was sporting a purse that is way bigger than she is.  Also her impossibly big purse seems to be overstuffed. 
She's never been the "bring your whole arsenal wherever you go" kind of person- so what the heck does she have stuffed inside that massive purse? 
Current theories:
  1. Grandma  (I know that's gross but she's very thoughtful like that)
  2. Maddie (You're not allowed to bring your dog with you but maybe she found this tongue-in-cheek way of getting both of her children in the picture)
  3. Whatever is there to steal at a High School Graduation (and then she stole all of it as she's an overachiever even when it's for Evil.)
Nothing is off the plate weight-wise either as she's one of those people who work out and she's surprisingly strong for someone with really small arms.

~ The Evil Twin

Saturday, July 4, 2015

So I have this blog...

And much like everything I do - it has to be the level of OMG outside my head that it is inside my head.  So I started this blog with the Greatest Girl EVER (can't call her a woman as we're too young for that shit.) We started this blog for the Greatest Reasons EVER!  How to go through a hell marriage and divorce and then become overly awesome.  (Then I found us the perfect designer person to design our blog and I love it so much it's the permanent backdrop pic on my FB page.)

SO MUCH WIN!!!!

So what the heck happened???  I crashed and burned.  Instead of being overly awesome with an enviable waistline, I became the center of endless suck and self loathing.  If a dryer had a hate cycle on it, that would be me.  I rocked the Victim.  I wore my inside ugliness on my outside.  I had panic attacks in every social situation because I didn't want anyone to see my outside ugly.  I increased my girth as a fleshly force field to protect myself from everyone.  My world is a too small bedroom in a place I hate living in.  My bills keep going up and my paycheck does not.  I can't move because I can't afford to and it may be years before I can.  I pay for a home that I can't afford to live in.  Everything flows back to the fact that my Ex-Husband fucked me overly royally and I'm still struggling to pay my way out of it.

A wise Sam once told me about riding on the Bitter Train.  She must have sucked at it, because I still hopped on and stayed on.  Being the Victim spreads to every factor of your life- it's like you took a sharpie to your forehead and wrote "Please fuck me over."  It's this negative fugly stench that waits for you at the next opportunity. 
The last two years have been hideous.  They have been sprinkled with awesome at times too.  I'm that single girl with too many cats.  But my cats are little furry superheroes of awesome.  They have their damages- the kind that rescued pets carry- but no matter how far I have stumbled into the easy way out of this- I didn't because they would have to go somewhere else- with other families.  For whatever crazy reason- they validate me and I validate them.  We're a team, a slightly fucked up team but a team no less.  Sometimes their litter box is a hazards level of funky because depression and anxiety are like "Nope!"
I've changed my meds, upped my meds, tried new meds.  I wished they worked like aspirin but they don't.  Being the Victim does to you what that special time of the month does to you- everything gets blown way out of proportion. My depression and anxiety became Super-Depression and Ultra-Anxiety.  Sometimes the suck cloud would disappear for a day or two which made me scared I was Bi-Polar and having a manic episode.
My Shirk assures me I'm not Bi-Polar as I've been to at least 20 Shrinks in my life- and one of them would have caught it.  Plus I don't lose my shit being on meds that trigger mania in a bi-polar brain.  (Somehow that made me feel like I am Bi-Polar only I suck at that too.)

So now that I've written my most depressing post to date- what's changed? 
Hmmm... <starts to type what's the same and then pounds the delete key like it's going out of style>

Maybe it just takes me longer to get things.  Given my stubborn and slightly dramatic nature that would make sense.  Being on the Bitter Train meant that there wasn't a happy ending and ironically that's what I needed to hear.  I validated my existence by being awesome to someone else.  When I place other's center stage- I don't focus on the parts of me that need to change.  Is has always been my truth that I was put on this earth to be someone else's support system.  I rock at recognizing and celebrating the awesome in other people.  It's my super-power.  It's the best part of me. 
So denial then.  Denial is what has changed in the last two years.  Being the back-up dancer in my own existence doesn't work anymore. I no longer need to validate myself through others.  The next time I'm in a relationship- they will get the full me, damage and all.  I'm not going to turn into overly-nice girl/doormat.  Their happiness is not worth more than my happiness.  My next relationship (Pay attention Alex Turner!) will start with the sage advice from my Good Twin "Just because it means Something, doesn't mean that it means Everything."
You can have a physical/mental/emotional/psychic connection to another human being.  That means Something in capital letters.  That means every book and TV show and movie and poem ever!  You never love the same way twice.  You live that perfect song and it ends- either by breakup or death- it ends.  When you make it everything- you end too.  You create a hole inside of you that could never been seen or filled by anyone.  Your Everything is You.  You are whole, perfect, beautiful in yourself.  There's only one You for a reason.  Flaws and all- you so frigging rock.  You are your Everything.  No one else on this planet or any other can complete you or make you a better You.  You are your own glitter.  Other People are still a gift in your life.  Their lives amplify your awesomeness.  They rock the fuck outta being back-up dancers in your life and you should dance along with them.
So I gave up on everyone and rode the Bitter Train.  I still checked in with my Sacreds on unplanned stops- but then jumped back on and the train kept rolling.  My Sacreds were still my Sacreds when I stepped off the Bitter Train for the last time.  But this time I was able to embrace what they do for me.  I still have the cracks in my foundation.  My roof still leaks.  Wine still means more to me than it should.  I have people who truly love me for me outside of the Awesome that is my Scranton family.  I'm still a tad larger than I'm comfortable with and my roots are truly atrocious.  Who knows what tomorrow brings.  I may grab that box of haircolor and while I'm waiting for it to do it's magic- I may paint my left toenails so they actually match my right toenails.  I may breakout the Crest White Strips and start wearing make-up again.  Eventually I will jump back on the Healthrider and let my outside me truly reflect my inside me. 
I will continue to tell my guy best friend how amazingly awesome he is (and unabashedly hit on him) when I'm drunk and when I'm sober (he's safe to love like that).  He was the Something that became my Everything and now is my Something that sits center stage in my Everything.  No one can back up dance like that amazing man.  He was that Boyfriend that made your entire life into nerve endings.  Lust/Love/Friendship/Hope/Insecurities whispered and validated/14 year old boy humor always.  Now he's rocking his own reality but still checks in with me to compare notes.  He's as awesome as a friend as he was a boyfriend and although I miss every hormonally-validated experience with him- we still rock the 14 year old boy humor like no tomorrow :) 
There are countless of other Sacreds in my life who continue to be in my life even though my social skills beyond-suck.  I may not have had an out loud conversation with them in months/years and may have been AWOL through their major life changes- but when I reach out they are still happy to see me.  Even when I wasn't the full Me- I still attracted above-awesome spirits into my life and I adore them always.
As long as I'm singing praises, here's some for my Good Twin:
She's still that overly-cute that only short people can pull off.  She has the best melodic southern bell accent and she's not even from the south.  She's everything an Aries should be and then some.  She's a scary driver.  She's the best Mom ever.  She's the poster child for how to rock your existence after being married to/divorcing a Psycho.  She has debt because she's chasing her dream.  She's spawned the two most amazing kids in the Universe.  She married her childhood sweetheart who is paler than me and can be a total dick and then be a level of uncontrolled awesomeness that you see why he deserves the awesome that she is.  Her kids call him Dad and if I had to pick a Dad for the World's most awesome kids- I would pick him every time.  (I wouldn't pick his "Your Mom!" jokes though- what 40 year-old freak still finds those funny?)
She's my best friend in normal levels of contact and my best friend when I hermit crab.  I still don't like the Eagles- but I so adore her!!!!

- The Evil Twin