Is this thing on???
Ok, so I’m 50 now… just let that one sink in a bit.
To go forward, I gotta go back, back to when I was a small girl. It’s weird to think of me as ever being small, but it happened, I was there. I can confirm it.
I was wearing a knee length sundress in my backyard and I got bit by a bee or a wasp. It hurt, bad! I remember running back to the house, the beewasp clutched between my fingers and the dress, continuing to bite the ever loving shit outta of my belly it was squashed against because I was too scared to let go of it. Logic tells you that if something is just hurting you, you should probably let go, but fear tells you that letting go could be way worse. The repeated stings on my belly was an absolute guarantee of continuing pain. Letting go meant it could hurt me in ways I couldn’t predict, and what if they were worse?
Holding onto pain in an effort to control it is a default setting for Walter, my aptly named nervous system. He’s an old, grumpy, equally fearful and nostalgic man who just wants all the kids off his goddamn lawn immediately. He’s not buying into new situations, he’s been around the block a few times and can predict how everything’s gonna go. Good ole Walt is a cantankerous psychic.
So when Walt sounds the doomsday alarm, Godzilla, my brain, goes into Operation Save Walter mode. Walt’s saying a situation will end badly, and Godzilla is mapping out all the steps that will get us to this conclusion, complete with some impressive roaring and yeeting of a city or 12. The magic is how little information is needed. Walt screams, Godzilla fills in the blanks. And just to be safe, the timeline is packed with the deluxe fearful package. Only the best for dear Walter.
I realize Walter and Godzilla have shit beewasp handling skills. Their hearts are in the right place, my safety is always the priority. They will hold onto a beewasp until the End of Days, if that’s what it takes to keep me safe from it.
50 years is a long time to collect and keep sweaty fisted control of beewasps. Maybe I could open a museum? Start a historic society of Absolute Unpleasantry? (I could then make slogans for hoodies…)
My life is so much better. I’ve done a shit-ton of healing and shadow work on myself. I embrace my full, beautiful weirdness and that’s brought me so much joy. The Universe always takes care of me. Pretty sure I’m the favorite child of all my Spirit Guides, Angels and Galactics. There are many moments when love and clarity from them gets through all the buzzing in my hived up existence. And sometimes, it feels like they have their spiritual cellulars on silent when I reach out to them, and I’m terrified of what being alone in my bee wasp hives will do to me. They like to give me helpful, but not so helpful in the actual moment advice like “You’ve got this!” which has me shouting back “But I don’t want this!” Don’t encourage me when things are hard, change my reality to one with significantly less suckage please and now. They remind me that “This entire reality is just a made up school for your soul to grow and learn through experiences of agreed upon limitations”, and I fantasize about blocking their calls. Yes, my soul agreed to do this. My soul also has the full knowledge of how everything plays out, no Walter to speak of, and an interconnected network of love and light with all the other souls. From that vantage point, it’s easy to make agreements. Why stress about the cost of groceries when you can breathe universes into existence? Why be gutted that the boy isn’t texting you back when you are interwoven in a Divine Union that radiates perfect love across all frequencies?
My Higher Self tells me “not to worry” while I’m here, piloting a human experience in a Collective where fear is one of the main teachers. 😒 Luckily, everyone spiritually involved has a great sense of humor as my mouth does get defiant. I don’t care if soul me is excited for this “opportunity,” agreed upon human limitations me is shitting her not so divine pants. I haven’t quite mastered the “Go With the Flow of Your Universe GPS.” I’m more of a “Let the Flow Flow Me For All Of Two Minutes and Then Let Walter Doomsday the Rest of This” kinda gal. So, progress! There’s way more of me doing the scary thing, too. That’s opened a lot of positive experiences. Some days I make fear my bitch (mind the shaking hands). Some days, I pry open my fingers and the beewasp flies away. Some days, I remove an old hive from my reality. But on the best days, I have new experiences, ones where my past stays in my past, and I don’t have a prediction running in the background of how it’s going to turn out. Those are my favorite wins ❤️.
- The Evil Twin
.png)
