Oh, Hey! How’s it been?

 Is this thing on???

Ok, so I’m 50 now… just let that one sink in a bit. 

To go forward, I gotta go back, back to when I was a small girl. It’s weird to think of me as ever being small, but it happened, I was there. I can confirm it. 

I was wearing a knee length sundress in my backyard and I got bit by a bee or a wasp. It hurt, bad! I remember running back to the house, the beewasp clutched between my fingers and the dress, continuing to bite the ever loving shit outta of my belly it was squashed against because I was too scared to let go of it. Logic tells you that if something is just hurting you, you should probably let go, but fear tells you that letting go could be way worse. The repeated stings on my belly was an absolute guarantee of continuing pain. Letting go meant it could hurt me in ways I couldn’t predict, and what if they were worse? 

Holding onto pain in an effort to control it is a default setting for Walter, my aptly named nervous system. He’s an old, grumpy, equally fearful and nostalgic man who just wants all the kids off his goddamn lawn immediately. He’s not buying into new situations, he’s been around the block a few times and can predict how everything’s gonna go. Good ole Walt is a cantankerous psychic. 

So when Walt sounds the doomsday alarm, Godzilla, my brain, goes into Operation Save Walter mode. Walt’s saying a situation will end badly, and Godzilla is mapping out all the steps that will get us to this conclusion, complete with some impressive roaring and yeeting of a city or 12. The magic is how little information is needed. Walt screams, Godzilla fills in the blanks. And just to be safe, the timeline is packed with the deluxe fearful package. Only the best for dear Walter. 

I realize Walter and Godzilla have shit beewasp handling skills. Their hearts are in the right place, my safety is always the priority. They will hold onto a beewasp until the End of Days, if that’s what it takes to keep me safe from it. 

50 years is a long time to collect and keep sweaty fisted control of beewasps. Maybe I could open a museum? Start a historic society of Absolute Unpleasantry? (I could then make slogans for hoodies…)

My life is so much better. I’ve done a shit-ton of healing and shadow work on myself. I embrace my full, beautiful weirdness and that’s brought me so much joy. The Universe always takes care of me. Pretty sure I’m the favorite child of all my Spirit Guides, Angels and Galactics. There are many moments when love and clarity from them gets through all the buzzing in my hived up existence. And sometimes, it feels like they have their spiritual cellulars on silent when I reach out to them, and I’m terrified of what being alone in my bee wasp hives will do to me. They like to give me helpful, but not so helpful in the actual moment advice like “You’ve got this!” which has me shouting back “But I don’t want this!” Don’t encourage me when things are hard, change my reality to one with significantly less suckage please and now. They remind me that “This entire reality is just a made up school for your soul to grow and learn through experiences of agreed upon limitations”, and I fantasize about blocking their calls. Yes, my soul agreed to do this. My soul also has the full knowledge of how everything plays out, no Walter to speak of, and an interconnected network of love and light with all the other souls. From that vantage point, it’s easy to make agreements. Why stress about the cost of groceries when you can breathe universes into existence? Why be gutted that the boy isn’t texting you back when you are interwoven in a Divine Union that radiates perfect love across all frequencies? 

My Higher Self tells me “not to worry” while I’m here, piloting a human experience in a Collective where fear is one of the main teachers. 😒 Luckily, everyone spiritually involved has a great sense of humor as my mouth does get defiant. I don’t care if soul me is excited for this “opportunity,” agreed upon human limitations me is shitting her not so divine pants. I haven’t quite mastered the “Go With the Flow of Your Universe GPS.” I’m more of a “Let the Flow Flow Me For All Of Two Minutes and Then Let Walter Doomsday the Rest of This” kinda gal. So, progress! There’s way more of me doing the scary thing, too. That’s opened a lot of positive experiences. Some days I make fear my bitch (mind the shaking hands). Some days, I pry open my fingers and the beewasp flies away. Some days, I remove an old hive from my reality. But on the best days, I have new experiences, ones where my past stays in my past, and I don’t have a prediction running in the background of how it’s going to turn out. Those are my favorite wins ❤️. 

- The Evil Twin 

An Excerpt From "The Elusive Miss Jean Louis: The Story of a Legend..."

Contrary to popular belief, it was not Miss Jean Louis who brought down the Roman Empire around 406 AD. Nay, with the heart of a lion (which was quite messy actually) Miss Jean set her eyes on larger prey. Some would call her insane, "It cannot be done!" cried the masses. But all of their warnings were in vain. After decades of training with the Colorado Gators Reptile Park in Mosca, Colorado, Miss Jean Louis was ready for what would make her a Goddess among mortals. She alone using her wiles, brute strength and what others have described as "a mean streak a mile wide" was ready to lay it all on the line for unattainable glory. For Miss Jean Louis knew she would be the first person in history to keep Misha Collins in line during a GISHWHES hunt.  

~ Heather the Evil Twin

An Awkward Place To Be In

My Ex-Husband’s remains were recently interred in a family burial in his home state.  Both my amazing Step-kids were there and I’m so proud of their grace, love and composure during a ceremony that should have been at least 40 more years in the future for them to endure.

I was not present for the ceremony and so much guilt, anger, frustration has surfaced that I feel maybe I need to voice it on here in the hopes that something finally works itself through my grey matter, or that my experience with this can in some way help someone else who may be battling with the same ghosts.

Where to start?

When my former Sister in law private messaged me asking if I was coming to the funeral, my response to her was "Hey there!!! No, I am not."

Now my former Sister in law is all shades of awesome, in fact she and her family were a huge blessing to me in my marriage and are the type of people who look you in the face and judge you for what is in your soul. It doesn't matter to them what your last name is, how many kids you have, how much money you make. You are a good person if your words and actions are good and what matters is how you treat the people around you.

I thought of a billion follow ups to my initial response to her- things like:

I love You People!!! (meaning she, her side of the family and her kids) But I can't be there because I can't handle being there. It has nothing to do with the people I consider my real extended family.

Then I wanted to type to her that I could not, in good faith be a positive presence when I still had so much anger and resentment toward my (and her) former In Laws. 

My Step-Kids know I have their backs no matter what.  Had they in fact needed me there in order for them to rock their awesome- nothing could have stopped me from being there and I would have been middle finger waving happy at any idiot in the room that dared to question the validity of my presence. But I never stopped for a second to think of how hard it was for my Sister in law to be there as a fellow "ex-wife and person non-grata."

During her marriage to my ex-asshole's equally assholic brother, she was an absolute Saint, married to a self-absorbed coward. She raised three amazing kids, two with special needs, and she looked bombshell fabulous doing so. The only reason I didn't hate her for being so ridiculously pretty- is that she is one of those "salt of the earth" people that you have no choice but to absolutely adore. She could make you laugh buggers out your nose (although watch your effing arm as she loved to accentuate "OMG guess what!" statements with an arm slap and those bitches hurt!) She is every inch loyal, passionate, and the world's best partner in crime :) I hit Sister in law gold with that beautiful, evil one :)

I should have, in my love of her, stopped the negative drama in my head long enough to ask "Are you going to be ok going?" or "Do you need me there for support?" Honestly, she's always been the strong one, so I assumed she would kick ass no matter what. I'm sorry that I left her hanging as a friend.

After it all was over, I got up enough nerve to type to Sharon (Ex-Husband's first wife and Mom of the greatest Step-Kids ever.)

She's another one of those strong as shit people, who was also the greatest "Arch Nemesis" that you could ever hope for!

I got the word from Amazing Step-Daughter that I would get to see her and the Amazing Step-Grand Kiddos- and I went digging into "the stuff I kept in case of.." in search of every photo that I had of my life with her Dad. I didn't get the opportunity to save every picture when I left John, but those I did get a hold of, I saved in the event (Amazing Step-Daughter was stationed overseas) that I got the chance to pass them over to her.

I came across one picture, my Ex, John with his parents' dog- that I pm'd to former Arch Nemesis turned awesome friend- Sharon- asking her to email it to our former Father in Law, and I broke down shortly after and typed her ear off over what I was feeling/going through/ how after these many years, after our Ex-Husband was cold and in the ground, I still haven't been able to forgive my former in laws for the hateful/hurtful things that they ingrained into me when I was desperate and clinging for ways to save my toxic marriage. Blink81 sums it up perfectly in their lyrics "Don't waste your time on me you're already the voice inside my head..."

Here's the thing. When you are in a toxic relationship with an addict (I include serial cheaters in this category as well.)

1. The only thing sacred to an addict is their next fix - everything and everyone else in their lives are obstacles to getting to their fix.

2. As the Spouse/Significant Other to an addict, don't assume you are their only enabler

3. Addiction can be a coping method of surviving a buried traumatic event. Your Significant Other may not be the only family member not being able to cope with the buried traumatic event.

4. If you care/feel enough, that makes you a threat to the status quo. Your Significant Other and his/her family members will find ways to destroy you if you are a perceived as a threat. Be suspicious if they single out previous threats (i.e. they need to build a graphic case against a former Ex that includes a "Springer worthy" detailed sexual history.)  If there is no true reason for you to be made aware of adverse information, beware of the family member "spilling their guts" with a slaughter campaign on a former family member. You may be a target of misinformation in the hopes that you will be against said former Ex should the family members enact their revenge.

5. Be wary of family members/friends that make insensitive comments to you out of the blue. Anyone who is passively-aggressively trying to feed your insecurities - is trying to extinguish any avenue for their addict to succeed in a relationship. Examples of what I have encountered:

"John dated so many gorgeous girls in High School. It kills me that he didn't marry one of them instead."

"I'm not ready for my son to be married again."

At a family thanksgiving dinner when a family member walked through the door: "Quick! Grab some food before Heather eats it all!"

"I never thought any of my sons would cheat on their wives, but I can see John cheating on you."

Advice to the newlyweds recorded on our wedding video: "We never thought this day would come to pass. We loved Heather, but we were concerned for her feelings..."

~ The Evil Twin

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

This Weekend Was an Asshole!

Were this weekend an actual person, there would be a large bag of flaming dog poop left on their front step and a smashed up mailbox.

I started the weekend getting over a really bad head cold- and then it went downhill from there.

I ended up reaching out to someone who is in the Ex From Hell's life because I felt this person should know that they weren't alone in what they were going through.  Although my intentions were good, this backfired on me big time.  I always thought that knowing the details of his infidelity would give me some sort of closure (mainly because he got off on lying to my face about it) and would support the fact that I wasn't being paranoid, my intuition was spot on.

It's the same "need to know" feeling you get when you hear that someone has died and you feel like it's important to find out how they died.  The "how" doesn't matter- nor does it make it any less suck that the person is dead.  There is no logic in a betrayal or a loss that someone justifies it in any sense of the word.

So yes, it's devastating to hear that not only was your Ex cheating on you- they were cheating with as many people as they could buy (prostitutes are cheaper overseas), and they were also planning to write a book about it with their stripper-obsessed loser friend.  (I did break down and send said loser friend a FB message about how much of an asshole he is.)  This is someone I knew, spent time with and even spent time on business travel with.  I'm sure he got off on it as much as my Ex did. 
I remember my Ex getting pissy every time Loser friend started having serious feelings about the current girl he was financing.  Turns out, that made the Ex go out of his way to bang all of Loser friend's girlfriends as well.  
(How's it feel to be the one getting stabbed in the back Loser?)

So it goes without saying that anything involving the Ex takes me back to a dark ugly place that I don't belong in.  As much as it hurt to hear the truth and as much as I cried for the dumbass Me that was trapped in a shitty marriage for eight years, I needed this.  I needed to see things as they are, to accept them and to leave them in the past where they belong.

The most important lesson I pulled from this fuckery of a weekend is that none of this was about me. 
I can't say I was hurt by the man I loved because I didn't love him, I didn't even know the real him.  I loved the person he painted himself to be until he couldn't hold up the façade anymore.  He loved the person he pretended to be when he was with me and he loved the fact that he could peel that face off the minute he stepped out of the door.  I can't be hurt by the fact that he never loved me because he is incapable of love.  I think his inability to feel love or empathy was one of the main reasons he was a genius at manipulating others.  If you had any fraction of an insecurity- he could spot it from a mile away and twist it however he saw fit.  He could weave layers of deception like a goddamn spider and even highly intelligent people were totally conned by him.  If he had chosen to help instead of hurt people, he really could have made a positive difference in the world. 

~The Evil Twin

Grateful

In a surprise twist to my normal weekend stuff - I got to see my Stepson!!!!! 
OMG- he looks awesome and is such an incredible young man.  I want to text him nonstop now. I am so crazy-proud of him!


What surprised me most was not having the Divorce PTSD anxiety.  Seeing him and his Mom, Step-Dad and friends that I used to hang out with when I was married to Satan- I was just happy to see them and enjoyed my time there.  What freedom to be able to live in the moment without the ghost of the Ex's fuckery clouding everything.  It was just a fun night with good people. 


~ The Evil Twin

An open letter to my Ex (I'm finishing my drafts from forever ago)

This has been a long time coming.  You would think your current medical situation would absolve you from your sins but it has not.

I loved you more than life itself- your devotion to your children and dealing with a psycho Ex- sadly,  I never trusted my first impression of you- I labeled you a player and toxic.  Your devotion to your kids broke me down, the dandelion "flower" that your daughter mailed to you?  It spoke volumes about the man I thought you were.

Our courtship was always shadowed by the constant drama in your life, you had your entire family under your roof, your car had been impounded due to your drunken accident- and yet my dumbass drove you to your court mandated classes - I was never secure in myself enough to understand how much of a ticking time bomb you were.

I believed every lie out of your mouth.  How horrible and psychotic your EX was and how you bent over backwards to keep the peace.  No one in this universe was a better salesman than you, and you can go to your grave knowing that your ability to keep a friendship with your Ex and yet sow enough discord between us to make sure you were the Savior keeping us from ripping each other apart.  Well played!

When I told you I was divorcing you, the first words out of your mouth were "So I guess you and (Ex wife) are going to be friends now."  All the drama that hurt everyone was just a game to you.  You painted your Ex in the worst light possible because you lived to be the martyr.  You had everyone you could completely riled up before she even set foot in VA- and then lived for the drama of everyone trying to interact with her.

I am so grateful that your lies and poison did not cost her a life with her kids.  Was she perfect?  Oh hell no, but she did the best that she could with the resources she had at the time.  She also goes above and beyond with her grandkids.  She, like all of your victims - has a great heart and didn't deserve how your family loved her to her face and then stabbed her in the back.

Why did we shrink in fear of Bill collectors when you made 6 digits?  Was hooking up and playing the bar scene really worth your son and I going without heat and power while you were away?  Why did you denounce your daughter completely when she was going through something that we couldn't understand?  You brag on paying for her schooling - yet you couldn't be bothered to write one letter to her- yes, she was a difficult teenager to deal with- but nothing that she did made her unworthy of your love.

My step-children are the only amazing part of my marriage to you.  Solely because they were real.  They always knew where my heart was at.  I was at your daughter's graduation from boot camp and I was there when your son went under the knife for his deviated septum (which I also paid for)  It pisses me off that you were never there when your kids needed you the most.  You could blame business travel for work (you know that company who offered to pay for you to go to alcohol treatment?)  Your need for everyone to see you in the light you were currently painting yourself in- over road your "love" for your kids and wife every time.  You lied and twisted people into monsters just to make you look like the hero in every story. 

This is my last official middle finger in your direction expression of hate.  I'm getting off the bitter train now even though the level that you suck could have fed it fuel for the next couple of decades.

You were a horrible, painful and traumatic chunk of my life.  I don't forgive you, but I'm done with letting that hatred color everything in the awesome that is now my life.  I'm renting out that space you take up in my head to something that's truly worth it.  Your ability to hurt and manipulate others will die when you do and thank Gods for that.

~ The Evil Twin

Please Judge Me

This blog post was inspired by my niece (Former niece?  Niece when I was married Niece?  She'll never be my Ex-Niece or my Ex's Niece- she's way too awesome for that.) who wrote a powerful FB Status on not judging others by their looks.
This was my comment on her post:  It's human nature to judge others - everyone does it whether they admit to it or not. It does matter how other people look- but if other people's looks stop you from getting past that initial feeling of uneasiness - then it's time to look into the mirror and find out what the real issue is.

"Don't Judge" sounds great.  I wish I was all Zen when faced with a stimulus that makes me uneasy.  No matter how open-minded and loving I hope to become, I will always be human. "Only God Can Judge Me" - also sounds good in theory.  

Truth is- we are all biased.  Everything I see with my Heather eyes, gets transmitted to my Heather brain- and filtered through my Heather thoughts and affects my Heather feelings.  When I give advice or form an opinion- it comes from my own Heather experience of living in this reality and how I chose to Heather communicate it.  You know how when you want someone to just listen to you complain about something and then they go and turn it into an "I've been through that too- only here's why it was worse for me than you" conversation?  Why does EVERY conversation have to be about them???
*le sigh*
So we are all inner assholes of some degree.  We project our insecurities on the world around us and don't even realize we are doing it.  The reason that God shouldn't just smite us all and start over is that we also judge for good.  If you see an elderly woman struggling to cross the street and you stop to help her?  That's the judging side of you.  You looked at her and judged that she was in need of your help and you judged the situation to be your responsibility to act on that. 

"Don't Judge" = stop noticing that others exist around you.  What we really need is "Don't let your inner asshole stop you from getting to know the best parts in others.  It's OK to feel uncomfortable by what you see, but you'll get more out of life when you can work through that feeling and stop it from holding you back"  Which is a pretty crappy motto and a bit long for a tattoo.

So Please Judge Me!  Acknowledge my existence.  You can even give me not so nice labels like "weird" and "da fuck is that girl on?"  I'll pretend I'm too secure in myself to let your opinion hurt me.  I do care what others think of me because I am not a robot.  I am a hopelessly flawed human being who has moments of awesome.  I am also hysterically Heather funny and Heather witty ;)

~ The Evil Twin