Wednesday, February 6, 2013

Building Me

My marriage died on February 18, 2009.  The demon hEX would argue that I killed our marriage on that day.  I would argue that he killed our marriage years before… and then continued to shit all over the corpse.  In the end, “us” is dead.  Bygones.

This is the day that any legal ties we had to each other were severed.  It was the day that I was reborn.  And I’ve been trying to “find me” ever since.  I’ve been trying to forget the things that happened. I’ve been trying to forget who I became to survive that shitstorm.  I’ve been trying to rewrite my memory in my own mind.

The fact of the matter is, I stand before you, the strong woman that I am today BECAUSE of those dark times.  Because of the pain and the darkness, I had to be stronger than I ever imagined I could be.  I had to break free from a destructive cycle, I had to let go of my vows, my sense of commitment, my own sense of entitlement.  I had to barrel right through that storm and pray that on the other side of that storm was a place where I truly could build a better life on my own.  So I went into a court of law and said “no only do I no longer want to be married to this asshole, I don’t want his name either.  Take it back!  Take him back! Give me back ‘ME’” !!  And so it was.

Then came the quiet.  How do you rebuild a life? I wondered.  How do I start over now?  I was plagued with memories I couldn’t forget.  I focused on my children.  I changed jobs.  I painted walls. I kept waiting for my new life to begin.  I kept waiting to forget so I could move on.  I kept waiting for the hurt and anger and fear to drain from my heart.  Then I woke up one day and realized that my new life began on February 18, 2009.  That as I move forward I carry both the dark and the light memories…they shaped me into who I am.  I woke up and realized that time really does heal.  All of this has been part of the foundation that I used to build a great life!  While I was waiting, I was building. While I was praying I was building.  Each laugh, another brick. Each tear, the cement.  Each moment, one more breath I got to enjoy, to imagine, to grow.  And it all makes me ME.

I see so many people in that same spot after divorce, looking around trying to figure out where to start, waiting for something, anything to start.  To change.  Well, it’s already started.  It already began.  You're changing now, even as you read this.  It doesn’t matter which piece you start with, all that matters is that you pick one piece up.  Then pick up another one, and then another….    In time you will realize that this is the life you built.  So make it a great one!!!

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