Saturday, February 16, 2013

Drew Carey lied, Cleveland so DOES NOT ROCK!!!

I don't like sitting on 16 tons of a flammable substance.  I don't like being 16 thousand feet in the air, especially since I've learned that I don't actually have wings.  I don't like when my ears pop.  Needless to say, I get a little anxious when I have to fly.  It's gotten worse since CW left me in airport security last year. Yes, you read that right, HE LEFT ME AT SECURITY!!!  When he booked our flight he left a letter out of my name. He goes through security without incident.  I hand the guard my drivers license and he's checking it against my ticket and suddenly he's all "where's the N"? Like I sold the N to terrorists or something and now he's not going to let me on the plane.  I'm trying to explain to him that there really should be an "N" and that my boyfriend doesn't know how to spell my name when I look up and see CW walking down the corridor.  Seriously, he's past the metal detectors and gone.  WTF CW??....but I digress...

So we needed to be in Michigan this weekend...this February February *gulp*. CW and I set out on the 10 minute drive to the airport which ended an hour and a half later because of an accident in DC. Thank the travels gods I always allow enough time to get drunk at the airport bar before getting on a plane, otherwise we would have totally missed our flight!  We had to park in the daily lot (which is $20 more a day then the long term parking) but we made our flight...barely...

At the security gate,

Me: CW, switch places with me.
CW: what, why?
Me: remember the last time when you left me here?
(I totally cut in front of him and hand the guard my ticket/drivers license. She looks at me all strange like as she hesitantly takes my documents)
Me: (to the guard) I know cutting in line is rude but last time we flew somewhere he left me here at security.
Guard: (to CW) you left her?
Me: he booked my ticket with a typo in my name and when your coworkers had to verify that I wasn't a psychopath HE TOTALLY LEFT ME HERE!!
Guard: (half laughing) You're  kidding!?!
Me: Not even! I found him half an hour later at the Gordon Bierch having a beer.  And do you know he didn't even order me a drink!!!!
Guard: and you're still with him?
Me: (shaking my head) I know
CW: OMG, can we go?
Me: He's being kind of rude, you should keep him here
Guard laughingly pushes us through the metal detectors.

(I have to interject here that I'm still not happy about parking, it would be so cool if one of my DC friends could go get my car out of the daily lot and move it to the long term lot because $28/day to park my car is fucking nuts!!!)

So first we flew to Cleveland.  The turbulence were really bad.  For some reason, as anxious as I get when flying, I'm suddenly ok when there are turbulence.  CW isn't.  So instead of him helping me breath into a bag, I had to help him breath into a bag and an hour later we successfully land in Cleveland (well, technically it was the pilot's success but I'd like to think my good karma helped).

When I get off the plane I realize that we are in concourse C. We need to get to our connecting flight, which leaves at 9:30 (and it's 8:30 now) in concourse D.  Suddenly my phone tells me I have a voice message, it's the airline telling me that our 9:30 flight has been pushed to 10pm.  Perfect! I think, that gives me enough time to have some food and get drunk here.  We head over to concourse D and I check the departure monitor because the guy on the VM told me to to make sure my gate hasn't changed and that is when I discover that our flight is now leaving at 10:25 (same gate though). "Crap" I think "I don't want to be that drunk, I really just want to sleep on the...." and that is when I see it.  The beautiful and lovely sight of a Gordon Bierch right next to our gate!!  I silently thank the travel gods and I rush into the bar and order a basket of garlic fries.

Bitchy waitress: "kitchen's closed"
Me: What do you mean the kitchen's closed? It's still dinner time
BW: The kitchen closes at 830. Can I get you a drink?
Me: It's 845, I'm sure the fryer is still hot, please can I just have one little order of garlic fries? I tip really well!!
BW: No.

So I broken heartedly leave the restaurant and CW says "where are you going, don't you want a beer"?
Me: they won't give me any garlic fries, a beer hardly seems worth it.

So we travel up and down the terminal looking for any place that will serve food.  That's when I get another VM.  Our flight has now been pushed back to 10:40!!! As I break the news to CW he says "but look what I got us" and he holds up two snickers bars.  I hate snickers bars.  So I go over to the United Customer service guy

Me: Is there any place in the airport that is still serving food? It doesn't even have to be in this terminal since you all have delayed our flight over an hour!!

He makes a few phone calls to see if he can get me on a different flight...I think he thought I was a little unstable and he didn't want me in his airport anymore, but I digress...

Non-helpful United customer service guy "there is a 24 hour dunkin donuts at the end of this corridor.
Me: "of course there is" (I don't like dunkin donuts either)

Both CW and I walked the length of that terminal twice...there is no dunkin donuts!!  But I did find some vending machines and at that point I was so hungry I didn't even care what I ate.  I excitedly run over to the vending machines and realize that one vending machine only sold sodas and the other was a Best Buy Express! That's right people, I could totally buy a Kindle Fire while I was starving to death in the airport.

I check the monitor again to make sure our gate hasn't changed and that when I see it says "delayed" instead of a departure time.

Me: our flight is so late they aren't even bothering to lie about a departure time anymore.
CW: I know what will cheer you up.

We sit down in the gate waiting area and he pulls out his ipad on which he has just downloaded a movie I've been wanting to see.  Then he produces two headsets to fit into the ipad.

Me: (unraveling my new headset) These are so cool, when did you get them?
CW: a few minutes ago...from that machine over there (and he points to the best buy machine)
I glared at the best buy machine thinking "headsets? really? You sell headsets and I can't get a peanut butter cup? I hate you best buy!!"

In an effort to make the best of an unpleasant situation (hush CW) I settle in next to CW and we begin watching the movie.  We are 3/4 of the way through and it's getting really good when everyone starts clapping.  We pause the movie and take off our headsets to see what all the clapping is about...our plane has just arrived.  I'm a little irritated now as I want to finish the movie.  But I got on the plane anyway.

I need to hurry this up now as I have a meeting in an hour and I still smell like yesterday.  We get to Grand Rapids.  We get our rental car. We start the 45 minute drive to Saugatauk.  It's snowing!! It was really beautiful!!  But it was snowing like a blizzard level snow.  Well, the MI people said that this is nothing but we're from DC, they would have totally shut the city down for snow like this.  On the way here we pass by two 24 hour McD's and one 24 hour Subway but CW won't stop because of the blizzard.

Me: I will totally drive the rest of the way, please, I need food!!
CW: yes, that's what I want, you driving in a blizzard
Me: this isn't a blizzard
CW: that's because you're not driving.
Me: pull over at that 24 hour subway and I'll drive
CW: I'm not getting into a car with you driving in a blizzard!
Me: Fine! You can stay at the Subway.  Just pull over and leave me the nav.

He didn't stop.  I didn't get any food until the next morning when the lovely lady who owns the bed and breakfast served breakfast.  It was amazingly yummy! I ate CW's breakfast too.  It was even yummier the second time!!


  1. Oh Dear Gods!
    So you get to Cleveland and their isn't a huge flashmob dancing to "Cleveland Rocks" and building up to where you get to yell "OHIO!" What a frigging rip off!!! And then they had to get all food Nazi on you. *sigh* Aren't they supposed to encourage people to eat when they drink? *double sigh and head shake* So when are you posting the angry letter to Drew Carey? I think you may be able to sue him for mental duress as well! (BTW- the fact that you don't like Snickers I find deeply disturbing- who doesn't effing love a snickers bar?) *Shakes head and blames it on the cruel airport conditions*

  2. No flash mob, no dancing, no giant "OHIO!" yell, it was very disappointing. :( Some woman I worked with years and years ago told me a story about Snickers bars which I'm sure cannot possibly be true, but it grossed me out so bad that I haven't cared for Snickers since. Don't be sad, we always have Merlot!

  3. Please share the story about snickers, I don't care for them either!
    So, I'm part of that whole blogging a-z challenge thingie and I was working *ahem forcing ahem* my way down the list like suggested when I got bored. I had seen your blog title earlier today and wanted to skip ahead because it was incredibly amusing. I finally gave in and here I am. I was also (forcing again because some of the blogs are incredibly boring, like mine) commenting on each a-z post like a good little blogger. But then I saw this posts title. I had to read it. And I laughed, a bit uncontrollably I admit.

    Thanks for making me laugh :D

    Amanda from

    1. Hi Amanda, thanks for your sweet comments!! We pride ourselves on our ability to laugh and it's always great to have someone join in!!

      So the Snickers story is actually quite ridiculous. Peanuts grow outdoors so they are susceptible to little bugs and mites which get stuck to the peanuts when you poor chocolate over them. And sometimes the little bugs and mites lay eggs. And sometimes the warmth of the chocolate will cause the eggs to hatch in your candy bar.

      Ridiculous, I know. I mean the heat of the chocolate would kill anything living on the peanut but for arguments sake, let's say something did hatch. It would suffocate in the wrapper! (can you tell I've thought this through?) Still, Snickers gross me out now :( Although, I have learned that when I'm starving in an airport with no food and no departure time, I will risk disease over famine!!

    2. It's something to think about, isn't it? While I'm not a fan of Snickers, I do eat Babe Ruths on occasion. Which just leads me to wonder what happens when all those little peanuty bugs aren't covered in scalding hot chocolate....

    3. Lol, they suffocate in the the airtight candy wrapper. Although, I am wondering what happens to the peanuts that aren't used in candy bars. Hopefully the peanut factory has de-lousing procedures?