And much like everything I do - it has to be the level of OMG outside my head that it is inside my head. So I started this blog with the Greatest Girl EVER (can't call her a woman as we're too young for that shit.) We started this blog for the Greatest Reasons EVER! How to go through a hell marriage and divorce and then become overly awesome. (Then I found us the perfect designer person to design our blog and I love it so much it's the permanent backdrop pic on my FB page.)
SO MUCH WIN!!!!
So what the heck happened??? I crashed and burned. Instead of being overly awesome with an enviable waistline, I became the center of endless suck and self loathing. If a dryer had a hate cycle on it, that would be me. I rocked the Victim. I wore my inside ugliness on my outside. I had panic attacks in every social situation because I didn't want anyone to see my outside ugly. I increased my girth as a fleshly force field to protect myself from everyone. My world is a too small bedroom in a place I hate living in. My bills keep going up and my paycheck does not. I can't move because I can't afford to and it may be years before I can. I pay for a home that I can't afford to live in. Everything flows back to the fact that my Ex-Husband fucked me overly royally and I'm still struggling to pay my way out of it.
A wise Sam once told me about riding on the Bitter Train. She must have sucked at it, because I still hopped on and stayed on. Being the Victim spreads to every factor of your life- it's like you took a sharpie to your forehead and wrote "Please fuck me over." It's this negative fugly stench that waits for you at the next opportunity.
The last two years have been hideous. They have been sprinkled with awesome at times too. I'm that single girl with too many cats. But my cats are little furry superheroes of awesome. They have their damages- the kind that rescued pets carry- but no matter how far I have stumbled into the easy way out of this- I didn't because they would have to go somewhere else- with other families. For whatever crazy reason- they validate me and I validate them. We're a team, a slightly fucked up team but a team no less. Sometimes their litter box is a hazards level of funky because depression and anxiety are like "Nope!"
I've changed my meds, upped my meds, tried new meds. I wished they worked like aspirin but they don't. Being the Victim does to you what that special time of the month does to you- everything gets blown way out of proportion. My depression and anxiety became Super-Depression and Ultra-Anxiety. Sometimes the suck cloud would disappear for a day or two which made me scared I was Bi-Polar and having a manic episode.
My Shirk assures me I'm not Bi-Polar as I've been to at least 20 Shrinks in my life- and one of them would have caught it. Plus I don't lose my shit being on meds that trigger mania in a bi-polar brain. (Somehow that made me feel like I am Bi-Polar only I suck at that too.)
So now that I've written my most depressing post to date- what's changed?
Hmmm... <starts to type what's the same and then pounds the delete key like it's going out of style>
Maybe it just takes me longer to get things. Given my stubborn and slightly dramatic nature that would make sense. Being on the Bitter Train meant that there wasn't a happy ending and ironically that's what I needed to hear. I validated my existence by being awesome to someone else. When I place other's center stage- I don't focus on the parts of me that need to change. Is has always been my truth that I was put on this earth to be someone else's support system. I rock at recognizing and celebrating the awesome in other people. It's my super-power. It's the best part of me.
So denial then. Denial is what has changed in the last two years. Being the back-up dancer in my own existence doesn't work anymore. I no longer need to validate myself through others. The next time I'm in a relationship- they will get the full me, damage and all. I'm not going to turn into overly-nice girl/doormat. Their happiness is not worth more than my happiness. My next relationship (Pay attention Alex Turner!) will start with the sage advice from my Good Twin "Just because it means Something, doesn't mean that it means Everything."
You can have a physical/mental/emotional/psychic connection to another human being. That means Something in capital letters. That means every book and TV show and movie and poem ever! You never love the same way twice. You live that perfect song and it ends- either by breakup or death- it ends. When you make it everything- you end too. You create a hole inside of you that could never been seen or filled by anyone. Your Everything is You. You are whole, perfect, beautiful in yourself. There's only one You for a reason. Flaws and all- you so frigging rock. You are your Everything. No one else on this planet or any other can complete you or make you a better You. You are your own glitter. Other People are still a gift in your life. Their lives amplify your awesomeness. They rock the fuck outta being back-up dancers in your life and you should dance along with them.
So I gave up on everyone and rode the Bitter Train. I still checked in with my Sacreds on unplanned stops- but then jumped back on and the train kept rolling. My Sacreds were still my Sacreds when I stepped off the Bitter Train for the last time. But this time I was able to embrace what they do for me. I still have the cracks in my foundation. My roof still leaks. Wine still means more to me than it should. I have people who truly love me for me outside of the Awesome that is my Scranton family. I'm still a tad larger than I'm comfortable with and my roots are truly atrocious. Who knows what tomorrow brings. I may grab that box of haircolor and while I'm waiting for it to do it's magic- I may paint my left toenails so they actually match my right toenails. I may breakout the Crest White Strips and start wearing make-up again. Eventually I will jump back on the Healthrider and let my outside me truly reflect my inside me.
I will continue to tell my guy best friend how amazingly awesome he is (and unabashedly hit on him) when I'm drunk and when I'm sober (he's safe to love like that). He was the Something that became my Everything and now is my Something that sits center stage in my Everything. No one can back up dance like that amazing man. He was that Boyfriend that made your entire life into nerve endings. Lust/Love/Friendship/Hope/Insecurities whispered and validated/14 year old boy humor always. Now he's rocking his own reality but still checks in with me to compare notes. He's as awesome as a friend as he was a boyfriend and although I miss every hormonally-validated experience with him- we still rock the 14 year old boy humor like no tomorrow :)
There are countless of other Sacreds in my life who continue to be in my life even though my social skills beyond-suck. I may not have had an out loud conversation with them in months/years and may have been AWOL through their major life changes- but when I reach out they are still happy to see me. Even when I wasn't the full Me- I still attracted above-awesome spirits into my life and I adore them always.
As long as I'm singing praises, here's some for my Good Twin:
She's still that overly-cute that only short people can pull off. She has the best melodic southern bell accent and she's not even from the south. She's everything an Aries should be and then some. She's a scary driver. She's the best Mom ever. She's the poster child for how to rock your existence after being married to/divorcing a Psycho. She has debt because she's chasing her dream. She's spawned the two most amazing kids in the Universe. She married her childhood sweetheart who is paler than me and can be a total dick and then be a level of uncontrolled awesomeness that you see why he deserves the awesome that she is. Her kids call him Dad and if I had to pick a Dad for the World's most awesome kids- I would pick him every time. (I wouldn't pick his "Your Mom!" jokes though- what 40 year-old freak still finds those funny?)
She's my best friend in normal levels of contact and my best friend when I hermit crab. I still don't like the Eagles- but I so adore her!!!!
- The Evil Twin