Tuesday, December 4, 2012


Remember Thelma and Louise?   Well, Thelma is getting married!!! Again!!  She just told me.  Quiet little courthouse deal, later this month, big party afterwards.  “Yeah, that’s how I’d do it if I were ever stupid enough to try that again” I thought.  She is excited and scared.  “I’ve been through so much bullshit but this guys’ different.  He’s a sweetie” she told me.  “For now he is” I thought.  Now, I don’t know her fiance from Adam (nor have I ever completely understood that expression – I get it’s a way of saying “I have no idea who this guy is” but what if you actually do know Adam?  Do you know Bob? Or Steve? But I digress…) I’m sure he is a great guy and I doubt she’d be walking down the aisle again if she didn’t really feel in her heart that he is a good man.  Not only do I commend her for the leap of faith she is taking in this hope filled step of walking down the aisle after surviving a shitstorm, I’m rather envious of her ability to leap.

You all must know that while you are conversing with me in any way, at any time, there is a running commentary going on in my head of our conversation. Gladys Knight had the Pips, I have an internal play by play…don’t judge me!  Normally, my mental commentary is filled with inappropriate jokes.  However, in discussing Thelma’s upcoming nuptials, my internal commentary went cynical and sarcastic.  Thank the Lord for my super strong filter!

So I am breaking down my thoughts and feelings about marriage, after going through divorce.  The last several years I’ve thought that marriage is a great thing…for other people, you know, people who aren't me.  I flashed to a conversation the hEX and I had while we were married and had just learned that a friend was getting re-married.

Demon hEX: If we don’t make it, would you ever get married again?
Me: oh Hells no! I will never do this again!
Demon hEX: lol, if I had feelings that might hurt.
Me: What about you?
Demon hEX: You know, when your first marriage fails, it’s 50/50 as to whose to blame. But when your second marriage fails, you just need to face the fact that you probably aren’t marriage material.

Now, once wife 3.0 splits, I’m so going to start calling him Ross! In the 5 years that we have been separated, SEPARATED (we’ve only been divorced for 3 years), he has been engaged 2 times and married once.  And I think this is part of my problem.  My attitude when we got married was “this is the person I want to spend the rest of my life with”.  His attitude was more “I’ll hang out with you until I get bored”.  Frankly, I don’t want to risk another run in with that type of attitude.

Hindsight being 20/20, I can see all the signs I ignored.  At the time, I thought I was going to live happily ever after with him.  And when happily ever after with him failed, I created my own happily ever after.  GoodTwinLand is a wondrous, whimsical place! And it’s mine! Which leads the question of “how will I ever let someone completely into my life again?”   In building my own “happily ever after” I really didn’t leave any room for someone else.  I’ve become acutely aware of that as CW and I have grown closer. 

I’d like to hear your thoughts on this.  After surviving divorce, how do you build “happily ever after” with someone new?  How do you take that leap of faith to walk down the aisle again?  Something more than “he’s such a sweetie, he’s the right one” or “she just blew me away”.  Let’s dig a little deeper here ladies and gents, because the divorce rate is actually higher with 2nd marriages then it is with 1st marriages.

How do you learn to trust your own judgment after it failed you so miserably? How can you trust that you aren't ignoring signs now?

First off, major frigging kudos to the Good Twin for writing this!  As we attempt to deflect some of our emotional growing pains using humor - and trust me, we seriously crack up ourselves and each other like no tomorrow!!!  This is a subject very near and dear to our hearts.  We both believe in the sanctity of marriage- when we spoke our vows, we meant every single word- and not just because we were in a great situation at the time (aka awesome or occasional times of fantastic mind-blowing sex!  *sorry Maria!*)
We truly felt that the person standing next to us and echoing the same vows as us was meant to be by our side no matter what.  That this was some Universal plan unfolding and we were grateful to have found our soul mates and were excited about a life of growing and experiencing life together as a married couple.
Were there red flags?  Absolutely!  But marriage is about buckling down and plowing through them.  Yes, it's incredibly easy to shout "Uncle!" when things take a downward spiral that you weren't prepared for- but you were of sound mind and body when you spoke your vows before God(s) family and friends- and that meant "I believed every word I vowed to you- and I will do everything in my nature to uphold those vows!"
No matter how driven you are to live your vows- everyone has a hard stop embedded in them.  Most of the time you are completely oblvious to these hard stops on a deeper level.  For some, adultery is a 100% hard stop.  For others, you have weathered many storms and are willing to work through an adultery or two to uphold your wedding vows and get through a horrible decision or two.  For me, one of my hard stops was the vow "through sickness and in health"  I took this to mean physical sickness - but I never weighed in the level of mental sickness or chemical addiction it would take for me to cry "Uncle."  Had he'd been willing to admit or take steps to work through these issues- I would have been there by his side no matter what.  The fact that these were thrown into my face on a daily basis to the point where I was terrified that he wouldn't wake up the next morning- this became an intense hard stop for me.  I worried myself sick to the point where my Dr. had me on an anti-anxiety medication level that was borderline abusing the medication- just to try to cope.  It was like going to bed every night- seeing my Husband with a loaded gun in his mouth and praying that he was still alive when I woke up. 
Again- when saying "I do" you are taking a serious gamble on what those two words mean. 
You can't forseeable know what your limitations are until you are knee deep in that life defining situation.   
(Can you see why either of us might be a tad "panicky" over the thought of going through a marriage again?)
That being said, life is not a given- tomorrow is not a given.  There is no perfect recipe for obtaining a healthy marriage.  There are a lot of great guidlines and words of wisdom to consider, both Good Twin and I are all in favor of the healing power of therapy!  But the end result is that this is still a huge, potentially life-altering gamble! 
You pray that you have grown through your past mistakes.  You pray that you truly understand your hard stops- but in the end it's still a gamble into the unknown.  Yes, a healthy thriving marriage is worth it.  What you grow through with your Spouse can move mountains.  Currently, I am on the sidelines cheering on every positive relationship I have the happiness to encounter in my life.  Maybe someday I will meet that special person who is worth a trip to the altar.  And maybe I'll have the courage to make that trip.



  1. Ladies,
    I love reading your blog! I have been friends with Evil Twin for many years and I have always felt huge amounts of guilt for not voicing my concerns regarding who she was marrying especially since I was her maid-of-honor at her ceremony. I think I was afraid that if I did not go along with it than the controlling monster she was marrying would keep her away from me. I thought if I was close to the situation, I could keep him from hurting her. I think we see signs and tell ourselves that they will go away, or if we work harder, they will get better. They don’t, things only get worse with time.
    I wanted to chime in here and remind you of some of the signs that indicate a deal breaker! I am going to tell you that if you are in a relationship with someone and there is infidelity, that’s a deal breaker! If the there is abuse in the way of alcohol, physical, mental or verbal, that is a deal breaker! These are signs that we try to push under the carpet so to speak and tell ourselves that we do not want to run at the first sign of problems. However, I am here to tell you that no relationship has a successful conclusion if you ignore any of the above-mentioned signs. You do not have to put up with being treated that way.
    I have never been divorced but I have had my share of toads! Thinking back on every relationship I had there were multiple signs that I told myself that I was over reacting about. In the end, the jerk ended the relationship and I was devastated! How could he leave me? I have stuck by him through all the signs. I was going to make him a better man! Here is what I have learned. Either he is good to begin with and we just polish him or he is trash and we have to send him out with the garbage. Often we say we are afraid to let someone in, but I think we are more afraid of letting that person who is wrong for us go. Don’t be afraid just be aware.
    Evil Twin, you are one of the best people I have ever met and I love you!

    1. I love you too M!!!! Thank you so much for writing this!
      I'm sorry you had to watch me in a slow mo car wreck- honestly there is nothing you could have said to me that would have made me see him in his true light. One of the many many many red flags should have been the fact that he proposed to me in a bowling alley :/ Looking back- I realize that it was the ideal setting for him as he could look like a hero to a room full of strangers. Had the proposal been about me at all- he would have chosen a private setting and *call me crazy* actually had the ring sized to fit me beforehand....

  2. Coming from someone who watches "Who the Bleep Did I Marry?" and "Snapped" on a regular basis - you can know someone 6 weeks or 60 years and never really "know" someone. People can change for the good and also for the bad. It really is a crap shoot out there, ladies!!

    Many years ago while struggling with my feelings about being a member of the "till death do us part" promise breakers club.....A very, very wise Catholic Priest told me: Sharon, there are 3 kinds of death: A spiritual death, a physical death and an emotional death. What you've experienced is an emotional death.

    Because of my experiences with men over the years that followed and the type of job I've had for the last 15 - my tolerance for "B.S" is very, very, very low. Once I had a firm grasp of what I would and wouldn't tolerate in a relationship (and made those crystal clear up front) I was able to move forward with my eyes wide open.

    Even tho I'm "widowed" twice - I'm a better person for it and it makes all the difference in the world in where I'm at today. For me, the 3rd time really has been a charm and I think it's because we're older and wiser from all the times both of us have fallen on our faces in the past.

    That being said - I'd be a big fat liar if I didn't mention that health/dental insurance and tax benefits played a very small part in the decision to finally make the leap of faith again. It's all part of the reality we live in today.

    1. Thank you Sharon!!! *virtual high five for both of us not being on Snapped!* - we definitely could have been contenders!
      And yes, the legal perks of marriage are important too! If you are going to spend the rest of your life with someone- you should have the benefits of health insurance and tax benefits- plus the legal right to assets/ life insurance payouts were one of you to pass away. My heart goes out to same sex couples who have spent their lives together- but since they couldn't be legally married- when one of them died- the other lost everything finacially as well. As the family did not need to legally recognize the domestic partner. (This is also true for commonlaw marriages)

  3. You girl's are just too darn hilarious! Always gets me laughing! Hugs!

    1. Thank you Heather!!!! (((((HUGS)))) We are still completely in love with the way our blog looks! You are the best!!!!

  4. Thank you ladies so much for reading our blog and for sharing your thoughts!!

    What a great way to phrase it, “emotional death”. In my own healing I have come to conclude that the man I married is dead (if he ever existed at all). To this day, I have no idea where the man is that I married, but the person that replaced him is not the type of person I want in my life.

    I do get mixed up is the question of “did the good man I thought I married ever truly exist?” True conversation between me and one of my very best friends when I told her the hEX and I were moving in together:

    AB: someday you will have to explain to me what it is about demon hEX.
    Me: what do you mean?
    AB: I have seen you break up with much better men for a lot less than some of the crap he has put you though and now you’re moving in with him. Someday I just want to understand what it is about demon hEX that you stay with him.

    Now, AB stood up for me on my wedding day, she threw me a baby shower with each kid and she held my hand all through my divorce proceedings. Literally, she took leave from work and held my hand. She is the epitome of “true friend”. And not even this conversation stopped me from “full steam ahead”. I commend her and I love her for her patience and her resolve to support me even if she didn’t agree with my decisions.

    We are all wiser for the wear. We know our hard stops. I guess when the planets align, jumping won't be so scary.