Friday, October 26, 2012

All I want for Christmas is a new dishwasher...

The last few days I've had all sorts of inappropriate thoughts that while they were very amusing at the time, I'm sure they're going to cost me my dishwasher.  Here are the highlights...

It all started when Minion 1 was invited to a birthday/slumber party next week.  I don’t know this family, I’ve seen both mom and dad in passing but I’ve barely exchanged 5 words with them.  I told Minion 1 that she could go to the party but she can’t sleep over (I have a feeling we’re not done discussing this yet…but I digress).  So I pulled up a map to see exactly where these people live.  Turns out they live in the VERY nice section of town.  I was looking at these big, beautiful houses and I actually felt a twinge of jealousy “Damn! This is the house I could have had if I’d married someone good!”  Doh! But if I didn’t marry the demon I wouldn’t have Minion 1 and Minion 2 who are way, way better than a big, pretty, new house with a working dishwasher! 

Thursday was one of those days at work that prove it’s a good thing I keep so many pictures of my kids hanging around my office.  Every time I stood up to leave while shouting “take this job and shove it where the sun don't shine!” I'd see Minion 2’s little face “aww, he likes to eat” or Minion 1’s little face “aww, she likes Justice clothes”.  So I sat my ass back down and continued to suck it!  Of course, this was also the day of our quarterly staff meeting.  Which reminded me of all the comments I meant to put in the suggestion box…both constructive and obscene…Doh!!  To recap the 30 minutes of my life I’ll never get back:

We’re able to wear Halloween costumes next week.  While we were being told the rules of the Halloween costume to work event, I whispered to the poor soul who sat next to me:

Me: Are you dressing up for this?
Poor Soul: Yes!!
Me: as what?
PS: I’m a witch!
Me: No, I mean what is your costume going to be?


PS: well what are you going to be?
Me: an athlete
PS: that’s stupid!
Me: yeah well, while you’re wearing itchy witch tights and uncomfortable high heels, I’ll be in sweat pants and sneakers so nah! (and I stuck my tongue out at her)

Double DOH!

The meeting continues, now we are being told about our new parking passes which will be issued to us on Friday and our cars will be towed if we don’t display the passes.

PS: Good.  Maybe those jerks next door will stop parking in our garage.
Me: I’ve already rented my pass to one of those jerks for $50/month. 
PS: why would you do that?
Me: I need money for new Legos.


The meeting continues, now we are being warned that a hurricane is expected as early as Monday and we should all do our best to clear our dockets as soon as possible since we don’t know what the power supply will be like.

Me: umm, yeah! A hurricane is approaching that is being compared to the Perfect Storm of England and they think I’ll worry about my docket. Sure, right!
PS: it’s your job to worry about your docket!
Me: if they wanted me to worry about my docket during storms that are likened to the Perfect Storm of England, they should pay me more money (which was actually one of my suggestions that never made it to the box!!)

The meeting continues, now they are announcing the employee of the quarter and it turns out to be none other than my favorite big sister, Aunt Bes!!!  Aunt Bes is on leave for the next 5 weeks as she had shoulder surgery yesterday.  I grab my phone and begin texting:

Me: You’ve won employee of the quarter!!! Congratulations!!!! Can I have the parking spot until you return to work? Which reminds me, how'd the surgery go?

The crème de la crème of this week, Wednesday was my ex mother in law’s 85th birthday!! I emailed the demon hEX thinking he may want to celebrate with her and the kids. He responded that he wasn’t going to be able to drive the whole hour to see her on her birthday but I could take the kids by if I wanted to.  (Dishwasher gasped for breath as I thought “Backyard Grill won’t hold over the happy hour special for you so you can visit your mother on her 85th birthday? Maybe you should pledge allegiance to a new bar”) 

Since I firmly believe that no one should be alone on their birthday, particularly a milestone birthday like 85, and because it matters to my minions to celebrate with their grandmother on her birthday, and further because I’m not an ass (at least not over things like this) the minions and I brought over flowers and desserts and frankly, we had an awesome evening!! My mother in law was so happy and we just had a good time!

*proud as a peacock parent moment* Minion 1 suffered a HUGE disappointment at school on Wednesday.  She was in absolute tears all the way over to her grandmother’s house.  We arrived and she dried her face, took a deep breath, put on her prettiest smile and did everything she could to make sure that her grandmother had an awesome birthday!  She cried more that night as I put her to bed but to watch her make a big deal about her grandmother’s 85th birthday, even though her precious little heart was hurting and raw was just WOW! My cup runneth over!!

And when I shared this story with the demon hEX, he responded with “SO proud of her, and thank you thank you thank you again!!! It made mom’s day. :)” which for some reason pissed in my cornflakes and made me want to respond with “I’m sure your mother would have preferred to see her son on her 85th birthday instead of one of her ex-daughter in laws but if this is her last birthday on Earth at least she will die with the comfort of knowing that her grandchildren won't grow up to be assholes like their father”

All I want for Christmas is a new dishwasher.



  1. SO now I understand why I have lost a dishwasher AND a refrigerator since Memorial Day this year. ;D - lps

    1. You think all sorts of uncharitable things about my ex-husband too??? ;)