Sunday, October 7, 2012

Expiration of Protective Orders and that Mindset

My words were rather vicious to Captain Wonderful the other night.  Granted, he was being "a guy" and I had warned him that I was in a bad mood.  But my words went from normal irritation to vicious.  And I don't like that.  He didn't seem to like it either.

I've spent the rest of last week trying to figure out where that viciousness came from. I would get vicious like that with the hEX, but I had to.  It was part of how I survived being an obsession of the demon hEX, I had to learn how to be vicious. But CW? Our entire lives, has never been anything but wonderful to me.  He's always been a true friend, he's always shown me how much he cares, How could I ever use such vicious words to him? Now, I've been so focused on the remorse and WTF Good Twin? from this that my anxiety seems to have settled down. But I am not and will not be a vicious person.

In mulling all of this over in my head I had thought about life before the protective order and how I never knew which demon hEX I was going to get, the one who spewed venom or the one who sang prose.  In fact, rather than his name in my phone is says DSM-IV-TR 301.83, 312.30 [last name].  These are the codes for borderline personality disorder and impulse control.  I honestly believe he has these things.  I used to believe he was just your typical drunk who was abused and therefore felt the world owed him.  In all of my therapy trying to sort myself out after being married to him, I started thinking that maybe he has this borderline personality disorder thing. I researched and I brought it up to him once and asked that he look into.  He said it sounds a lot like him and he would look into it but that was also when he was trying to move back in with me, he is great at blowing smoke up people's arses!  When I got a smart phone last year, the phone contacts linked with my e-mail and it changed his name on e-mail, which I didn't notice...he did.  He sent me a message saying the he didn't appreciate "DSM-IV-TR 301.83, 312.30 [last name]".  After I got done LMAO (karma can't get me for this one, I was trying to keep my nickname for him private! The blender is safe!!!!!), I replied with something like "it's a good thing the pictures didn't link too, I'm guessing you wouldn't like the donkey's ass where your head should be". (DOH! The blender bit it!)

 "Good Twin how would you like it if I called you something other than your name" I suddenly flashed to one of the few times I tried to date before CW, there I was having dinner with my date and some friends when DSM-IV-TR 301.83 walks over and calls me a "whore"...moments like that are probably partly why I have actively avoided dating until CW came along...I also have a huge fear of romantic relationships...wonder why?....but I digress...

The point of that little side trip is that I never knew if I was dealing with the sane or the psycho DSM-IV-TR 301.83 and I always had to be ready to go from sugar to shit in a second if I was going to survive whatever he was throwing at me.   But CW isn't DSM-IV-TR 301.83, am I secretly trying to sabotage my budding relationship with CW? WTF Good Twin?

I was in my krav class the other day and the instructor stopped us mid-drill.  "Take a knee" he says.  "I am not seeing the 'I want to live' mindset in your faces.  Look, someone attacks you, they are in a mindset.  They don't care about you or your life (pointing to me) or the lives of your children.  That is the mindset they are in and you need to match that mindset quick if you are going to survive that attack".  Now, I love this instructor.  He is a police officer, he is happily married, has a daughter about my daughters age and he teaches krav (I believe he teaches because what he sees everyday wears on him and this makes him feel like he is doing that much more to stop bad things).  He had me running drills holding two tombstones (punching pads, they look like tombstones), he has me practice being attacked in the event that I will be holding my babies.  Trying to land an effective knee or kick while holding a tombstone in both my arms is not easy and my kids are a lot heavier, but one way or another the three of us are going home at the end of the day and he is training me for that!  Again, I digress....

In thinking of all these 3am...I think I got vicious the other day because I am dusting off the memories of life before the protective order.  I'm dreading the expiration of that piece of paper and if I have to go back to life without it, I need to get back into that "mindset".  More proof that I haven't done a good job of preparing my emotions for this transition.  Mentally, I know what to do if the harassment starts again.  Physically I'm in the best shape of my adult like and I train to make sure I know how to defend against a physical attack.  Emotionally, I need to figure out how to deal with this or I really will start to lose my calm, peaceful life.

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