Wednesday, November 14, 2012

My Arch Nemesis, My Friend?

So, during my marriage, I had the ultimate Arch Nemesis.  Not only was she evil, she was E-V-I-L!!!!  So much to the point where her disregard for her kids and her pining away for my Husband colored my life for 12 years +.....
Looking back, my relationship with my Ex was colored by all sorts of drama.  The fact that his parents' didn't love him, the fact that his Ex bled him dry every chance that she could, the fact that he didn't have a college degree and couldn't get the salary that he deserved from work and that fact that the world was stifled against him- made me believe he was the ultimate Knight in Shining Armor- but due to the fact that his Ex was Bi-polar, not on meds and crazy, meant that our lives would be stained by trauma, repeatedly...
I had the most amazing step-children ever!  And although we butted heads repeatedly, it was only because their biological Mother could not give them the love and attention they deserved (She was too busy getting drunk at the bar every night and bringing strange men home to the house and the next morning asking her kids to lie about them.)  and since her daughter was the spiting image of her, it meant that I must endure the crazy bi-polar ways of her Mom in her...
Ignoring the Age Old Wisdom of "If it sounds too good to be true, it probably is...."  Which I've adapted to "If it sounds to Evil to be true, it probably isn't"
John's Ex embodied everything that was wrong with this world. 
So naturally, I was bitter beyond belief and saw her as the ultimate evil that needed to be expunged from our lives so that we could live the happy fairy tale that we had always dreamed about.
I never questioned why we had to open our hearts and home whenever the E-V-I-L Ex was in town to visit.
I never questioned why my Husband and his family were so frigging up her Ass when she visited to the point where I had to be drunk just to get through it.  These were the same people who spoke unabashed in front of her kids of what a sex-crazed, mentally unbalanced, cheating nightmare she was!!!!

It's actually taking me forever to finish this post as I never want to revisit that point in my life again- not even as a healing life lesson... 

So the one advantage to having the Anti-Christ as the Ex Wife is that you can focus all that hate, animosity and insecurity on her and it doesn't cost you a thing!  You can get so wrapped up in the drama-cycle that you never have to take a closer look at anything in your life.  Sadly, it was also an advantage as when my Ex or his family were on an E-V-I-L Ex bashing kick- those were the times they weren't bashing me.  I was almost a part of the family so to speak.

Yes, there were a lot of things that just didn't add up.  My Ex would be talking with her on the phone (trying to pacify her evil ways for the kids' sake of course.)  And he would actually sound happy to talk to her.  Sometimes he would say something to set her off and then put her on speakerphone so I could hear how out of control she was.  I really admired my Ex for being able to put himself second and the kids first.

So basically it was all a big lie (much like my marriage).  Not only was my Ex actively ensuring drama between  the E-V-I-L Ex Wife and I, he lived for the cat fights that he frigging caused!  He basically led a double-life of deceit where he could be the hero/friend to both of us without the other being any the wiser. 

One of the "Wake up and smell reality" moments for me was when I first told my Husband I was divorcing him and he replied "Now you and E-V-I-L Ex Wife can be friends!"  WTH???
He was dead serious knowing that if I no longer believed his BS, the game was officially up.

I also had several run ins with the E-V-I-L Ex during the separation and divorce as she was now living in VA and we saw each other at family gatherings- and we started talking.  All shades of awkward at first- but then we were able to compare notes in a way that got us both swearing and gulping down wine, chain-smoking, crying... pretty much running the whole gambit of emotions.  Part of me still wanted to believe that she was the E-V-I-L Ex, but the fact that she knew personal details that she could only have heard from the Ex himself,  I had to wise up and face reality.  We bonded over the fact that neither of us was the evil monster that we were portrayed as- although we both felt stupid for being played like that.  We became FB friends and it got to the point where I didn't have an anxiety attack every time I was to see her in person.  Ironically not so E-V-I-L Ex Wife also bonded with almost Wife #3!  (although we're both kinda jealous of her for being smart enough to say "I don't!")

1 comment:

  1. I've read this post probably 5 times and I still come away with feelings of major pissed'off'd-ness - AT MYSELF. (*repeatedly bangs head against wall*) STUPID! STUPID!! STUPID!!!

    I forgave him a long time ago - I had to. Orange isn't my color and I like to have a martini or a glass of wine whenever I want. I'm still working on forgiving myself but I'm making progress everyday.

    Here are some positives we can take away from this: you gave up 12 years - I gave up the 8 years of marriage and then 13 additional years in a fake "friendship". (see!! right there is kudos to you - you're smarter than me!!) The good news is - it's over! The jig is up. I give "almost wife 3.0" a major high five for dodging the bullet. However, it was her past bad experiences that helped her see the red flags and not brush them under the carpet. That right there, is the key to moving forward and not giving up.

    I will give him this - he's got AWESOME taste in women!! ;)

    We got this!!