Monday, November 26, 2012

A True Friend Loves You Through *Crickets*

You may be thinking "What the heck is *crickets* ????

*crickets* my friend is the bane of all existence....   Seriously!

They used to say "The opposite of love is hate" but now they know that the opposite of love isn't hate, it's apathy.  Whether you love with your entire being or hate with the passion of a thousand burning suns- either is a pretty intense emotion.  It's possible to love someone that you like no so much- and maybe the like not so much part can border on some serious hate.  So, in conclusion- we are all some incredibly intense yet messed up beings.  And besides all of that, the opposite of intense emotion is the complete absence of emotion.  (No, I'm not a doctor, or even a college grad- but please feel free to pay me anyway and I will so listen to you talk about your Mom!!!)
*Cough cough* 

(BTW- these therapy sessions apply in no way, shape or form to Maria- in fact, this is my chance to give a special shout out to the Good Twin's Mom!!!  I love you, my Almost Serrogant Mother!!! 
Yes, you did not birth, raise, or influence my growing up time in any way, shape or form but the fact that you would not shed a tear if the Universe decided to smite my Ex for being on the same, WTH?  A-hole level of your own ex-son-in-law, that speaks volumes of the ultimate love and dedication!  That and your picnic table squirrel feeder are two reasons why I love you intensely!  Not to mention you are an amazing Grandma to the Minions, and the fact that the Good Twin kicks a** on so many levels :)   *BTW- if the Good Twin slights you in any way- my affection can also be bought with sparkling water*

And for anyone reading this who just said *kiss a$$!!!*  Maria is not only the Birth Mom of my Emotional Soul Mate/Better Half, she's also a survivor of divorce!  So yes!  Cower in the corner, you judgmental person you!  And BTW, no sparkling water for you!  Or coupons, or magnetic bag clips!!!!

So getting back to *crickets* - humor is an unstable beast.  Sometimes you strike gold to the point where even Jerry Seinfield himself is ready to finance a line of greeting cards in your honor...
And sometimes you get *crickets*
*crickets* means that your awesomeness just bombed on every level imaginable.  You're not enlisting hate my friend, you are on the express train to full on apathy.  Either it was the odd night, where every single person affected by your brilliance was busy washing their hair at the exact same time- and therefore could not type the accolades to your obvious brilliance of a decade- or you are standing up on the stage alone, and listening to the crickets serenading your demise... in stereo....
(BTW- I hate *crickets* with the intensity of a thousand burning suns...)

So, in summery, unless you are Jenny Lawson , I'm assuming you will experience *crickets* at least once during your existence.  This in no way, shape or form deems you a failure in making others laugh.  Sometimes our absolute brilliance does not translate well to others.  If you fear you are misinterpreted by others- give Good Twin or I a shout- we promise honest feedback or that well needed cyber shoulder rub that tells you that yes, you are hysterical- and to keep on typing!!!!

I love that you wrote this!  I regret that I was sleeping when you posted it but lmao, I completely concur! *crickets* suck, especially when you write an awesome blog entry about the zombie apocalypse and your best friend never says a word.  Nor does she acknowledge the suffering and pain she caused  you because she wanted to do her civic duty!! But I digress...I, like the Evil Twin, am always happy to listen and brainstorm with other writers (please be warned that if you ask me a question, I'll give you an honest answer)

My new book is going to be called "My Mom, My Sparkling Water Dealer"!!  And that squirrel feeder thingy was effed up and just plain evil!! I'll be laughing my ass off some more when she gives you a pet spider!

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