It’s no secret that my ex-husband is a nightmare and I don’t like him. Aside from the fact that I heard “forsake all others” and he heard “partake of all others”, he was abusive in every way one person can abuse another person. The things that he did to me invoked a great deal of anger that I wrestled with for years. I actively felt that the world did not owe him a single kindness and he should spend the rest of his life feeling as miserable as he made me feel.
These days I feel that I don’t owe him a single kindness. The rest of the world can make its own decisions. If his life is going great, fantastic for him! If his life is a train wreck, fantastic for him! I mean, his train wrecks are a source of entertainment for me much the same way Jerry Springer is for other people. Overall, I really don’t believe I could care less one way or another.
So, when his first wife, wife 1.0, messaged me about needing to forgive him, I was taken aback. I was wife 2.0 but sometimes I get confused because there was still a lot of anger there with 1.0. Part of a workshop she is taking is about letting go of past hurts. Fun stuff!:D I gave her the requested information and went about my merry way. But now my wheels are turning. Looking back through some of my messages with her, neither one of us has any love for the guy. Her dislike for him has been more passionate than mine but she is also a much more passionate person than I am. Still, I had to start asking myself “do I still hate him?” “am I sabotaging my future because of my past” “is there lingering bitterness that is poisoning my present”? And so on.
What I can say, for all of the hell that man put me through, “bygones”. Seriously, “Bygones”! I’ve stopped asking “why me”. I’ve recognized that the demon nightmare forced me to be a stronger person than I ever imagined I could be. I'll even thank him for that. I don’t wish him any ill will, like I said “bygones”. However, he is not the type of person I want for a “friend” or the type of person I want in my life. And I see no reason to pretend otherwise. I truly do not owe that man a single kindness. As long as he stays out of my life and keeps his hands to himself, bygones.
Now, here is where my emotions get complex. When I think about the trauma that man put my children through, I want to spit on him for the rest of his life. I want the world to spit on him for the rest of his rotten life. I’ve mulled it over and over in my head, I’ve twisted and turned it, I’ve tried to look at it from his perspective and I simply can not do it. There is just no way I will ever forgive that man for the trauma he caused my children. The images of my children’s tear stained faces the morning of October 1, 2010, are forever burned in my mind and on my heart.
*long pause while I compose myself*
Even in writing this post. Those first four paragraphs above, I felt nothing as I wrote them. I chuckled over a few inappropriate jokes that passed through my mind, but I felt nothing. In writing that fifth paragraph, my body got hot, my heart started racing, my emotions quickened.
He traumatized my children. And he traumatized them simply because his life was not going the way he wanted. I will never stop hating him for that. I don’t let that feeling get in the way of my life now. But I hate him, for the trauma he caused my babies I truly hate him. And before everyone gets up on the “forgiveness” soap box, think about these few things:
1) part of what stemmed from that day was his court ordered enrollment in an 18 week Anger Management course. At the end of which he wrote me an apology letter. What I pointed out to his anger management coach is that in his “heartfelt apology letter” he eloquently apologized for a bunch of crap that he did while we were married. The events that led to him being in that class, the trauma he caused my children, were not even alluded to in his “look at me, I’m sorry” letter; and
2) how would you feel about the person who caused unimaginable and irrevocable trauma to your child? Think about it, can you feel the anger? Now explain to me why I should feel differently just because that person is their “dad”.
I don't hate my ex-husband. I do hate the father of my children. Like so many other things that have grown from my experiences these past several years, that feeling is a part of me. It doesn't define me. And frankly, I’m good with it.
This amazing entry was chilling in our "Drafts" file. I could not let it linger there as it proves what a strong, beyond awesome woman the Good Twin is! She writes what I'm too chicken shit to say. She's been a source of strength and laughter throughout my separation and divorce and even came to my divorce hearing and held my hand as I was shaking out of my skin. Not only that, she's my best friend, emotional soul mate and wine sister extraordinaire!
I so frigging love you!!!!
I so frigging love you!!!!