Tuesday, November 27, 2012

I Hate New Year's With a MF Passion!!!!

Yes, this is only October- but that means it's only 2- months away from the end of December.  :/
While I try to embrace all of the positive in my life- New Year's Eve embodies the fact that I have failed in every relationship that I have had with a boy in my life.  I can't help but approach New Year's Eve- daunting on the horizon- with a heavy heart.  I have spent many a New Year's alone and frustrated.  I've dreamed of sharing that perfect Hollywood moment with someone who is the universal answer to my heart.  He will be by my side during the countdown- and we will have the *sparks flying everywhere* kiss that promises every dream is possible in the year to come. 
The main focus in my life currently is to become a whole "me" and to acknowledge and appreciate all of the blessings in my life.  At one year + after my divorce, I am frustrated by how far I still need to go.  I still have nightmares about my Ex.  I still shake my angry fists at the Divine for not giving me a life where I am both a Wife and a Mom - Fat, not so fat, dumb and happy.  My need to have someone "complete" me is the same reason that I am avoiding any possible current relationship like the MF plague!!!!!

Yes, I may be a therapist's wet dream come true- but given enough wine, this my soul typed out on this page with no regrets...

First off, I applaud anyone who has been through the sheer hell that is divorce and has had enough hope to try again.  Maybe you are on your second, third, fourth marriage- where as society might shun you- I absolutely applaud you- you held on to the dream no matter what.  This has no reflection on how holy you deem the sacrament of marriage as being- only to the fact that you've agreed to the terms repeatedly- whole-heartedly- and if it be for an hour, a week, a lifetime- you were 100% on board with honoring your vows- pending that your life partner was willing to do the same. 

We grow and change from every relationship in our lives.  I feel that it's what they are there for.  Whether that spark is true love or true lust- only time will tell.  I have since "survived" Samhain (Halloween) and Thanksgiving this year without going ever-loving-Banshee on my family.  Honestly, this is a huge frigging step!

Maybe someday I will think about me in a future relationship without cringing.  For right now, I am all shades of grateful for the Good Twin- and how she completes me emotionally- and for the love and support from my family and friends. 

These current holidays have been so much easier- and I have high hopes of creating positive future ones with my own traditions!

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