CW and I went out to the country to cut down our own Christmas tree, much to the chagrin of the Evil Twin.
ET: Why are you committing arborcide?
Me: So I can decorate the corpse with meaningless baubles to the joy and squee of my minions.
Me: Now you sound like CW. I'm troubled.
ET: Now I am too! Seriously, I like my trees like I like my men, fake and collapsible for easy storage.
Me: I like my trees like my men too. Real and something I can kick to the curb when it no longer pleases me.
ET: Run CW, RUN!!!
But I digress...let me take you to the farm. It was beautiful!! Fields of every pine tree you could imagine, quaint little farm buildings, fresh country air. Anyone who knows me, knows this is where I'm truly home! And besides growing their own Christmas trees, they make their own honey!!! I spent a joyous few minutes tasting honeys infused with vanilla, maple, lemon thyme, mint, and winter spice. All the while I tried to imagine what they would taste like in my Paris crack tea...
The farm is in the mountains. It's very cold and windy in the mountains in late November. Even with my love of fresh, brisk air, I'll admit it, it was cold! This farm has a lot of already cut trees and then the fields of "do it yourself" not cut trees. I should interject here that CW is CDO about all of the things I'm not CDO about. E.g., he doesn't understand why I say "CDO" instead of "OCD". He doesn't care that "OCD" is not in alphabetical order. On the flip side, he has to have the perfect Christmas tree. It has to look perfect, smell perfect, be the perfect height, etc... I just want one that gives me a warm fuzzy as I walk past it. Again, I digress...
So, we're in the Christmas tree "cut it your damn self" field, in the mountains, where it's cold and windy and there is something wrong with every last tree that gives me a warm fuzzy
CW: there's too many branches on the left side. That one's too tall, that one's too short, that one's too green...this one's the wrong green...
Then we passed by one and something in it was squeaking
Me: Oh, CW, we have to get this one!! It comes with it's own critter!!
CW: what are you talking about?
Whether he heard the squeaking or not, I don't know. He just shook his head and walked away. It was so cold on the mountain, and since my desire to keep my hands in my pockets was stronger than my desire to search the tree, I have no idea what critter was making that squeak.
A few minutes later I found the close to perfect Christmas tree (I say close to perfect because it didn't have critters living in it)
Me: CW, this is it!! This is our tree!!
CW: it's kind of short *looking skeptical* what makes you say that?
Me: look at the mini pine cones!! This one comes with mini pine cones!! I know it's not a furry little critter but mini pine cones!!!
At this point, CW decided he no longer wanted to cut down our Christmas tree. We returned to the pre-cut area where he selected a very tall, very fragrant, very sensible Frasier fur.
This isn't it. We are still welcoming our tree to it's very last home. This is our tree's twin sister, Fortunate Fir
OK- obvious *clouds parting on the glorious beauty that is the OMG the most perfect tree EVER!!!!- *cough cough* or equally as all shades of awesome tree's equally as awesome twin brother?
Where is the picture of said perfect Harmony of branches to the left and the right to the point where CW actually approves????? *Evil Twin head shake on the fact that he was willing to forfeit on the unknown OMG FREE CRITTERS TREE!!!*
(Please note that the Evil Twin is there by your side through creatures known and unknown, through the random rabies shots bestowed upon the Awesome that is the Minions!!!)
Pictures needed ASAP- as you know- because I can't keep a secret from you to save my soul- I bought you the most glorious Jenny Lawson: Knock Knock MOFO! ornament ever!!!! Which was meant to grace the most glorious of all that is awesome fake tree-
But since you are dead set on your aborciding ways, I must settle for a pic of equal branches to the left and to the right said wonder tree of yours- before I deem it worthy of said Jenny Lawson- I would almost get a rooster tattoo but that's why I'm also on meds said glory!!!!