Thursday, April 11, 2013

A to Z Blogging Challenge: J is for Jethro the Backwoods Spider



Everyone has had at least one disturbing encounter with Jethro the Backwoods Spider.   He's the little 8-legged a-hole who sets up camp in your bathroom at night while you sleep. 
At some point you find yourself contemplating your naval while sitting on the John, and then the background music starts *Da la ling ling ding ding ding....* For those not in the know, that's the intro to "Dueling Banjos" in Heatherspeak- I tried to translate it into normal people- but Google let me down big time this morning:

*sigh*  They gave me answers for how to "play" dueling banjos.  I don't want to play "dueling banjos" I just want to type how it sounds!

BTW- if you need a good laugh, try typing this:



Or if search suggestion #2 scared you as much as it scared me:

And... back to the actual "story"

So like I said, Jethro the Backwoods Spider is the 8-legged a-hole who sets up shop in your shower to surprise you at a most inopportune time.  (Hence the "a-hole")  Unlike his brainer cousins, he frowns on the whole "I should spin a web and put it somewhere that I can catch things my own size to eat."
So, just who is he trying to catch anyway?  There's only one thing that bleeds that's walking through that door and that would be me.  If you think you're going to do a whole "Mission Impossible sneak quietly down the rope while the victim is sudsing up her hair thing" you're in for a world of hurt. 
Sneaking into my shower wins you a burial at sea, end of story.

I did however have one encounter with his slightly more bad-arse cousin Chuck Norris of the Backwoods Spider.  Same scenario, I was sitting there contemplating my belly button, only there was no sneaking for this fearless warrior.  Nope, he was front and center on the sink beside me and I swore I could here a tiny "Bring it!" 
So I freaked, grabbed a wad of toilet paper to smite him, but when I looked for my confirmed kill, all that was under the TP was a leg....
(????)

Two days later, I was in the same position, as was he, sitting on my sink sans one leg and out for his blood worthy revenge.
(I believe I screamed and ran this time and just avoided using that bathroom for a month or so.)

 Please feel free to leave your own Jethro encounters in the comments - I kinda believe that being this twitchy will some how burn calories for me ;)



Ironically- "Misunderstood Spider" is one of my favorire Meme's and I couldn't resist sharing some of my favorites:












28 comments:

  1. OMG... this post seriously had me giggling out loud! It reminded me of my cousin who recently went to run a bath for her young daughter. A very large spider sat looking at her, so she 'rinsed' it down the plughole. With the bath then run, her daughter got in the bath and my cousin left her to it. Moments later, my cousin's daughter was screaming blue murder. My cousin ran into the bathroom to find her daughter pointing to said spider which had promptly climbed out of the bath overflow!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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    1. Oh EFFFFF!!!! I thought that only happened in movies? They can crawl back from a burial at sea? Please tell me that was just a random Chuck Norris Backwoods Spider!

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  2. Running from the Chuck Norris Backwoods Spider is the only option. Otherwise, he'll eat you. Whole.

    I have a treaty with spiders that is as follows: Live outside and do your thing. Entering my abode indicates to me that you are seeking assistance with suicide. Allow me to assist as swiftly as possible.

    :-)
    Lyre at Lyre's Musings

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    1. *nods*

      LOL- I think your treaty is awesome! I'll have to change my "you're obvious out to kill me" view to "Yes, life does suck, please let me help you end yours."

      Thank you Amy! :D

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  3. Spiders are massive here in South Africa and they are pretty scary and freaky.

    Happy J Day!

    Just visiting from a fellow A to Z Challenger.

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    1. Thank you ADSL!
      I heard that Africa (not sure if this is in S. Africa as well) has massive spiders that will snip of a piece of your hair to make their nest....

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  4. LOL!! They live in England so it was just your everyday random spider I think. Poor girl though... I bet she's put off baths for life!

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    1. I think I'm put off as well- 2nd hand trauma!!! :(

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  5. Hilarious! I'm so glad I found you through the A-Z challenge!! x

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    1. Thank you Triple B!!
      I'm glad I found you (and your entertaining son as well!)
      Yes, I'm still singing to Sweet Brown in my head...

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    2. I guess we all have spider stories - thanks for sharing yours! And the Misunderstood Spider.
      However, I'm thinking I don't want to relive mine in words this morning.
      Cheers!

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    3. LOL! You are officially off the hook! ;)

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  6. Very funny! Great posts. I'll be back (spoken with an Austrian accent).

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    1. Eggcellent! (spoken with a Mr. Burn's accent)

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  7. "or squish my wife, that's cool too" hahaha legend! Actually, this week I found several dead spiders in different sinks around the house...I meant what?? How did that happen? So do spiders drink wine?

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    1. OMG! Maybe they had a Backwoods Cult Spider and they all drank the kool-aid?

      Thank goodness they don't drink wine. I was terrified that I would have another reason to hate the little effers.

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  8. There are some big spiders around here in India too. Anyway, no matter how big or small spiders are, I am still terrified of them.

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  9. Ack, spiders! I actually had a run-in with two spiders today so far. I'm surprised I haven't had a heart attack yet from the stress! One was, thankfully, dead on the floor... but enormous! It made me wonder what mutant offspring he has just waiting to hatch somewhere. The second wasn't quite as dead... until I got done with him!

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    1. Watch out for Miracle Max the Backwoods spider! It's name could have been Wesley :(

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  10. I have to admit that I just found out this past summer that there actually are poisonous spiders in our neck of the woods! This information was presented to me when I made fun of my father for being concerned about the spider I was messing around with. >y step-mother googled it and it was a poisonous one indeed! Now I feel compelled to be afraid of them...one bad egg spoiled the bunch!

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    1. Sorry you lost a form of entertainment! But yes, they are all evil and must be destroyed!

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  11. Once upon a time the Evil Twin was over to my house eating pizza. We are happily enjoying dinner when all of the sudden she starts screaming "NO! NO!" at my kitchen ceiling. At first I thought it was a 'Nam flashback, then I remembered we weren't around for that. I look up and see this giant black spider on the ceiling running (seriously it was running) towards her. "Oh stop, it's just a spider" and I stand up and grab a napkin. Heather stands up too, still holding her pizza and wine, and runs to the door of the kitchen. Damn if that spider didn't make a hard right turn to chase her. So, Heather is running around my house yelling "No". The spider is running around my ceiling chasing her. I'm chasing the spider yelling "Will you stop so I can kill it". It was beyond hi-lar-ious!!!!!

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    1. ^ Yes, that really happened and no, the Good Twin and I were not smoking the funny cigarettes. We even had a sober witness with us at the time!

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  12. What is it with spiders and bathrooms? Maybe they like soap and shampoo? Thanks for another great LOL post.

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    1. That's a good question! If I see one with beautiful silky hair, I'm killing it twice!

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  13. Well, that spider could have set up shop in my bathroom, trapped all the g-d ants that got in and then I could have sucked him up and them in my vacuum this morning!

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    1. I like the way you think! Have it do the gross stuff and then reward it with death by vacuum...

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Thoughts?