Tuesday, September 25, 2012

Divorce – Who gets the friends?

One of the sensitive subjects of divorce, who gets the friends?  Obviously, he’s leaving with whatever friends he brought and she is keeping her pre-marriage friends.  But what happens with the friends you’ve made as a couple?  Even the most amicable of divorces are still confronted by this issue.

I think of my friend Sue.  Overall, she and her husband had a pretty amicable split…probably the most amicable that I’ve seen.  Everything was divided nice and neatly and they went their separate ways.  As a couple, they were good friends with another couple.  Mr. Friend wanted to stay friends with ex-husband.  Mrs. Friend wanted to stay friends with ex-wife.  The fact that they remained friends with ex-husband put a strain on the friendship of the ladies.  Even though there was no major drama here, it’s the little things like “who gets invited to the bbq”?  What happens when each party starts dating someone new? What if you share details (accidentally or otherwise) of the other parties’ personal, post-divorce life?  The mutual friends feel caught in the middle.  It’s a touchy subject with tons of hurt feelings. 

The demon hEX and I had the bar fly buddies from our pre-kids life and our daycare families from post-kids.  For the most part I think everyone did a good job trying to stay neutral and supportive of both of us.  But when he did the Peter Pan off the edge of sanity, it was time to pick a side.  He occasionally makes mention of the bar fly buddies who he keeps in touch with.  Whether that’s because they are really “on his side” or because he’s still a bar fly, I don’t know.  My view on that is “they’re all yours dude”.

The sore spot is a family who I have considered to be family to me.  As much as they have tried to remain neutral, I have tried to not impose a “pick a side” sentiment on them.  But I live with the trauma the demon hEX caused, and to continue to give him the benefit of the doubt minimizes the trauma that he put me and my children though.  In my snarky moments I want to say “it’s not like the protective order fairy decided to grace my pillow one night, these orders were granted for a reason”.  I decided after storm demon hEX that I only wanted true friends in my life.  And this bites at the heart of the definition of “true friend”. 

I have no answers at this moment in time, this is more of a “food for thought” moment and something to consider if you are pondering divorce.  Both well-meaning and drama seeking “friends” can be very hurtful and will cause more confusion and problems.  On the Good Twin silver lining side, going through a divorce, particularly a nasty divorce, will also show you who your true friends are.  My Good Twin advice is to hang on to your true friends, however you personally define "true friend".  In the end, they are the friends who matter.


  1. These are all good points to consider. Breaking up is never easy, but when you have to "break up" with friends, too, that makes it even more of a challenge.

    You are right, though, when you say that you find out who your true friends are.

    Hang in there!! :)

  2. Thank you Master Marani!! Bottom line is they aren't the friends I thought they were. I'm reminded of Fleetwood Mac: "Here is where the story ends, this is goodbye! Knowing me, knowing you, there is nothing we can do. Knowing me, knowing you, we just have to face it this time we're through. Breaking up is never easy but I have to go..."

    (Yes E.T., I quoted Fleetwood Mac! Have at it you closet Rick Springfield lover!!)